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1 Month Post D-Day

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MsRukia posted 9/1/2013 22:44 PM

Wow! It's only been a month, it feels so much longer. So here is where we sit one month into our process.
1. Both of us have been attending IC. MC will start this month.
2. He has signed up for an Every Man's Battle Conference. It's an intensive conference designed to help men deal with their sexual integrity and brokenness. It does come from a Christian perspective.
3. We have gotten rid of a bunch of unneeded items and have a stock pile of packing items in case we determine we need to move (still on the fence due to logistics).
4. We decided to work on reconciliation, though we know the process will be long.
5. Lots of conversation about the affair and our marriage prior to it.
6. He has taken full responsibility, has apologized, and is working to rebuild trust. (We both get this will take a good while).
7. Because of the nature of the affair, I know I can only forgive in bits and pieces. I was able to forgive a piece and know that I can move forward with that piece. There are lots more but I have taken my first large step in healing.
8. We have ordered and are reading several books on affairs and healing from them.

All in all, I think we have a very good foundation started for our healing. We have a long way to go, but I grow more hopeful week by week that we can get there.

Jrazz posted 9/2/2013 00:03 AM

That sounds like a wonderful foundation. Putting in a lot of work like this is a great sign of his committment to you and Reconciliation.

Remember that there will be dips in the rollercoaster even when things feel like they're going great. That doesn't mean it's all for nothing - it's just a part of the process.

I have great hope for you two!

MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 02:49 AM

Bah...well after I posted this I pretty much got D-Day two. He cheated with same OW at a time my oldest was is the hospital. This was at a very good point in our marriage. Great sex, good communication etc. I still had not had D-Day. So for me today was D-Day two because May was a completely different set of circumstances. And yes this changes everything and just made reconciliation harder.

Jrazz posted 9/2/2013 13:01 PM

Did you uncover this information yourself or did he offer it to you?

Of course this makes things harder right now, but I also want you to know that at just a month out, I can't think of a single case here where TT/new DDay's weren't still rolling out.

I only had a few days between him saying "We never touched" then "ok, we kissed" then "Yeah, we had sex one time."

Thankfully (?) there came a point where FWH realized that witholding any information was just going to keep tearing the wound open again and again and again, and we spent several sleepless nights jogging through his memory for any "missed" items.

Finding out he had talked to some of his friends about this felt like a new DDay and a dealbreaker. Finding out he thought about her while having sex with me was another. Him telling me that he fantasized about moving in with her broke my heart all over.

The thing about being three years out from this that actually helps me process all the pieces is that they feel like one, ungly, disgraceful package instead of bomb after bomb.

Remember that you are under no obligation to make any decisions right now. There are likely more details hiding, but you can survive this. Breathe, process, take care of yourself... and watch him. Is he telling you new information in an effort to heal or is he only confessing after being busted? His attitude and willingness to work will hopefully carry you through the new details and mind movies.


MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 13:51 PM

Thanks for that J. No he told me last night because he didn't want any more lies. He said it was the last piece of information he was withholding. It was just so unbelievably huge and aweful. I would have had no problem having sex with him once me and DD got home from the hospital. It just sucks all around. I am going out with two good friends tonight. It will be my first break since DDay last month.

sri624 posted 9/2/2013 15:47 PM

hugs to you. i am sorry this has happend. you are on the right track. trust your gut. have you checked out the healing library...a lot of great advice there...take it. it will NEvER steer you wrong. at times, we may not be ready to receive it because it might make us take a look at our own attempt at r...and see what is and what is not happening the right way.

one thing i didnt see in you list....transparency. do you have full and complete access to all of his methods of communications.

and most important....and should be non negotiable....access to his phone records. you can have access to the physical phone...that is fine. but you always want access to the phone bill that will list out all of the phone numbers, text messages, dates times....all of it.

their is typically a lot of horrible things in the phone records...the ugly truth is right in front of you. but him willing to release them to you will tell you that no matter how embarrassed or ashamed he is of his behavior, he wants to come clean.

if he doesnt, then you will know that he is full of shit.

MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 16:59 PM

I know they were messaging, a lot. I tried to see if I could get the transcripts from Verizon. Apparently, I need a court order. I think he may be fully transparent. I dunno though, I have 0 trust.

sri624 posted 9/2/2013 18:05 PM

well, you are right...verizon and most of the cell phone companies will not give you access to what was actually said on the texts. that is correct.

but the phone records will reveal when, and to whom the text were sent. it will also show you a detailed account of all of the incoming and outgoing calls...the length the calls, and when they were made. it is very revealing. and a close to dday, must be required to provide access to those phone records to ensure complete transparency. if all of the communications with the ow are will not be surprised...but let it all be out in the open.

no secrets. if everything he is saying is 100% legit, then he will not mind at all providing you with access to those phone bills, or online password to the call detail.

i am saying this because so many people on SI told me this...and i didnt make it a require to r. i didnt see the need. i made a lot of excuses on why it was okay not to get them. it was sad. i wasnt ready to be strong.

9 months later i found out i was in false r. he was still cheating. if i had those records, i would have discovered the truth. and him not giving them to me when i asked for them should have been a red flag. but it wasnt. i was too afraid of losing him.

big mistake. what i realized from SI is that i had to risk losing him by being firm on my r requirements if i had any chance of a healthy, transparent m.

have you asked him pointblank for the phone records?

his answer will be either he will grant YOU access to the phone call detail, or he wont. and if he doesnt for any reason...and i mean any reason...then you know he is not sincere.

unfortunately, it really is that simple when it comes to transparency.

a wise SIer once told me..."either he will or he wont. and do you really want to r with someone who wont?"

[This message edited by sri624 at 6:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

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