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Huge Set Back - D-Day 2

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MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 03:10 AM

Ugh so beyond pissed. So a month ago I got D-Day via drunken text from OW. Many people knew about WH A with her. She felt guilty and decided to tell me. Well the affair was going while I was in my high risk pregnancy with my third daughter. I was told that the last time they slept together was when I was in the hospital after having given child birth. There so much that is fucked up with the whole thing. So for a month now I have gotten a really great picture as to what happened. I asked him many times if there was anything else. He said no. I was even considering moving him back in my room as I thought we were making fantastic progress. Well I got a second D-Day today

A little back story is that after baby was born he wanted to stop sleeping with her. He asked me for counseling and for weeks I got a list of things he needed me to change and work on, including sex. Well I did, feeling like my marriage was at risk (I surmised he was having an EA but didn't think it was a PA yet, I was wrong). Well he kept telling me how great things were, he was happy, we were having great sex yada yada. Well my kid went into the hospital for a week. He spent time with OW and I came unglued. Told him he was playing with fire and I was afraid he was going to sleep with her. Well after coming unglued, being upset, all that..he did sleep with her, twice, even in my brand new bed! The asshole. This changes everything, including my desire to reconcile. We were at a good place in our marriage and he still did it. I can see it happening last fall. We were both in a vulnurable place then. But in May? When things were good? WTH?
It changes it all. Who is to say he won't do it again when things are good? Ugh my anger is so huge right now. Really I don't fucking wanna stay. He says I have the full truth now. I don't know this man. Truly how can he love me but fuck someone else, in my bed, while I'm in the hospital with my kid? When things are good no less? Now I can't get a new bed cause this one is new.
Damn I am so mad. So yeah for me it's D-Day 2 cause although its the same woman, the circumstances are totally different.

livebythesea posted 9/2/2013 06:57 AM

My prays and heart goes out to you. That is unreal!

Can't offer you any advice, can only say that I feel your pain, be strong for your kids, tomorrow you will feel a little less pain.

devasted30 posted 9/2/2013 07:27 AM

Looks to me likes this is all on your WS and why can't you get a new bed? I sure would - sorry Bub, it's the cost of screwing someone else in our marriage bed...tough!!!!!
Hang in there - we are thinking about you and sending hugs and compassion.

MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 08:42 AM

Thanks guys for the support. I so want to be done ((sigh)). My heart is so beyond shattered. Honestly if he did this when things were good between us, whose to say he won't again. I have no frame of reference. I don't know who I am married to ((sigh)) he also said he's been addicted to porn our entire marriage and has lied about that too. Feeling so done right now.

Knowing posted 9/2/2013 10:37 AM

I'm sorry for your 2nd DDay. I don't blame you for feeling like you can't R at this point. His behaviour seems completely shameless. He's obviously self-centered if he can turn your child's hospital stay into an opportunity to be with the OW.

I have to say, I got stuck on the part in your OP where you say you were given a list of things you needed to change and work on. It is never the WS' place to set conditions for R. You have had the wool pulled over your eyes. Big time.

Some Ms are worth the effort of R some are not. Is yours?

The only reason I can accept to R with my fWH is because he is remorseful. He has come to fully recognize how fucked up it was to think that cheating was ok. He admits that he lied to himself to justify his actions. He sees where his FOO issues came into play with his decision to cheat. He also attends IC, we are in MC, have regular date nights and regular M-building nights where we read A-related books together and talk about our M and the A. He has shown that he has a better perspective on our M and himself. I couldn't be with him otherwise.

Every M and R takes its own form, but one thing is universal, the WS has to work on themselves like never before, not the the opposite.

nowiknow23 posted 9/2/2013 10:44 AM


RidingHealingRd posted 9/2/2013 11:02 AM

Yes, you can get a new bed.
I made my WH turn in his new vehicle, which was 1 month old, since I know she was with him when he picked it out.

I agree with the Knowing, your WH should not be formulating a list of changes he expects to see in you. He needs to change, you need to formulate a list.

Unless you see genuine remorse then I would ask him to leave. Now is the time to be very strong and do not set the stage to allow cake eating.
I told my WH on Dday that if he did not like it, he could get the F*^k out- and he knew I meant it. He never left.


MsRukia posted 9/2/2013 11:20 AM

I do want to clarify that those changes were asked of my before D-Day. He asked for counseling and such after the A but before I found out. And yes it was a low thing to do ((sigh)) not sure at this point whether our M is worth saving. I don't know who I've been married to all this time.

overandone posted 9/2/2013 11:32 AM

Yes,definitly get a new bed - ugh,I couldn't sleep in ours if I knew OW had been anywhere near it - no excuses from your WH about the cost. He owes you that at least. And as for giving you a list of things you need to change - WTF??? None of us are perfect in our relationship with our spouses,but that one really takes the biscuit. How about an adult two-way discussion about how you both need things changing in your relationship. We did this,as well as giving it out, I also took note of what WH said to me (not always what I wanted to hear,but a lot of it justified),realised where we had both gone wrong. Usual story,breakdown of real communication which led to both of us being dissatisfied in our marriage-so bad that eventually I filed for divorce because neither of us was making the other happy and I saw no point in continuing, and that was 7 months before I had a clue about his LTA (which he had put a stop to 4 months before that I asked for D). No way though should your WH be giving YOU a list of changes needed on your part. He needs to look at his own behaviour and start there.

[This message edited by overandone at 3:02 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

overandone posted 9/2/2013 11:36 AM

By the way , we decided to give the marriage one more chance,huge efforts on both sides to communicate better and try to meet each others' needs.Then d-day out of the blue, MC was invaluable,no excuses accepted, 16 1/2 months later it's not all roses but we're still both tryiung really hard and moving forward. It has to be a two sided effort or there's no point.

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