A little back story is that after baby was born he wanted to stop sleeping with her. He asked me for counseling and for weeks I got a list of things he needed me to change and work on, including sex. Well I did, feeling like my marriage was at risk (I surmised he was having an EA but didn't think it was a PA yet, I was wrong). Well he kept telling me how great things were, he was happy, we were having great sex yada yada. Well my kid went into the hospital for a week. He spent time with OW and I came unglued. Told him he was playing with fire and I was afraid he was going to sleep with her. Well after coming unglued, being upset, all that..he did sleep with her, twice, even in my brand new bed! The asshole. This changes everything, including my desire to reconcile. We were at a good place in our marriage and he still did it. I can see it happening last fall. We were both in a vulnurable place then. But in May? When things were good? WTH?
It changes it all. Who is to say he won't do it again when things are good? Ugh my anger is so huge right now. Really I don't fucking wanna stay. He says I have the full truth now. I don't know this man. Truly how can he love me but fuck someone else, in my bed, while I'm in the hospital with my kid? When things are good no less? Now I can't get a new bed cause this one is new.
Damn I am so mad. So yeah for me it's D-Day 2 cause although its the same woman, the circumstances are totally different.
Can't offer you any advice, can only say that I feel your pain, be strong for your kids, tomorrow you will feel a little less pain.
I have to say, I got stuck on the part in your OP where you say you were given a list of things you needed to change and work on. It is never the WS' place to set conditions for R. You have had the wool pulled over your eyes. Big time.
Some Ms are worth the effort of R some are not. Is yours?
The only reason I can accept to R with my fWH is because he is remorseful. He has come to fully recognize how fucked up it was to think that cheating was ok. He admits that he lied to himself to justify his actions. He sees where his FOO issues came into play with his decision to cheat. He also attends IC, we are in MC, have regular date nights and regular M-building nights where we read A-related books together and talk about our M and the A. He has shown that he has a better perspective on our M and himself. I couldn't be with him otherwise.
Every M and R takes its own form, but one thing is universal, the WS has to work on themselves like never before, not the the opposite.
We are in R.
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown
I agree with the Knowing, your WH should not be formulating a list of changes he expects to see in you. He needs to change, you need to formulate a list.
Unless you see genuine remorse then I would ask him to leave. Now is the time to be very strong and do not set the stage to allow cake eating.
I told my WH on Dday that if he did not like it, he could get the F*^k out- and he knew I meant it. He never left.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
[This message edited by overandone at 3:02 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]