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Newest Member: womanoverboard (61125)

User Topic: Bringing up the "subject" ...
♀ 38900
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 2 weeks since H and I talked about his ONS (s). And I'm positive it does not enter his mind, he goes about his usual work day, his life. Me, on the other hand, lately, I've been thinking about it more and more. I go from one women to the other, I go from one question to another. I am so sick and tired of occupying my mind with his fucking mess.

We went out last night for dinner, he was super. Did not say or do anything wrong. Did a "bit" of the eye thing with the waitress and that triggered me. That was it for me. Could not finish my dinner and I was silent on the way home. I realized that it was not him, it was me. But we did not talk about what caused the trigger, or my feelings. The evening simply continued.

It's been a little over 2 months now since H confessed to a ONS in 2011. The only person I talk to is my sister. I don't bring the subject up with my H cause I really really do not want to get into an argument, do not want to go there. So, I write here, I read and yes I am bottling it up.

I have searched and searched for a "good" MC, therapist. We live in a small city, the choice is not out there. And I do not want to ask my co workers (cause they don't know what I am going through). I need to release my feelings, thoughts. Going to explode.

Is it possible to talk about the subject and not get into an argument. Just talk about why it happened, why he chose that route, how he feels about it now ... Cause every time we discuss the subject, we tend to, or, I tend to blow up!

Me - 59 - I often have to remind myself of my age!
Husband - 59
DD1 April 5 2013 (a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 266 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 39802
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bottling it up is never good and gets you no where. Yes its possible to talk calmly about it. i have. i have also had explosive arguments too. if you bottle it up too much that leads to screaming and shouting etc because you just have to get it out. I would talk about it. He won't know your feelings otherwise. he is not a mind reader.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are struggling. The more I tried to bottle it up the more explosive it came out. It is like putting your thumb over the end of a garden hose.

The more we talked the calmer the discussions were. The less we held back the less there was to hold back. Honesty in a relationship is a two way street. Holding back how I was feeling was a form of dishonesty. A lie of omission if you will. I chose to not keep any barriers between us. Let it flow.

And besides, I think the WS should have the opportunity to experience all of the pain and craziness that now goes on in our heads. If we are in R and trying to be a team we should both share the burden.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

live - Would you be open to online or phone based MC? Those are options for people who have limited local resources. Another thought is that if you are active in a religious community, you may be able to get faith-based counseling through your church.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40228 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 40475
Member # 40475
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 months after D-Day I do not bring it up often. At first it was every other day or so if I had questions, even though they were sometimes the same questions, until I finally realized I was never going to get the answer I could accept as to why he had 2 EAs in 18 months with the same OW. There really wasn't an answer other than "he was curious the 2nd time.

He finally finished Not Just friends, after 4 months, and now I asked him to read How to Help your Spouse heal from Infidelity. In read it in 2 days, it's not long, and it's fairly simple, maybe more like Affair Healing for Dummies, but it says all the right things.

It gives us some talking points when he reads these things, some insight into what I might be feeling, so I don't have to tell him again and again.

It's much easier to stay calm these days and not get caught up in the hurt and pain when we talk now. My H says "It will not happen again because I never want to hurt you like that again" but I am not always sure just HOW he got to the point where he thought what he was doing was OK, so I still would like him to explore that within himself without giving himself passes like when he blames his first wife from 40 years ago (they were young- we are...older)or that maybe his ADD (self-diagnosed) was the cause. I told him if he was going to use that excuse he would have to go back and give our son a pass on everything HE ever did, because he is truly ADD and never got a break for it.

Give it time, it will get better as long as he is doing all the right things.

[This message edited by PamJ at 6:11 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Me: BS 50+
Him: WH 60

3 EAs

2 grown sons, 1 grown step-son

Last DDay, March 19, 2013 after a few weeks of TT- trying to have a new marriage after almost 35 years.
No more chances.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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