"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ebmovingon posted 9/2/2013 07:43 AM

So my ex wife walks around my kids with this complete unhappiness while we are together. I'm sure she has conversations with other adults that my kids overhear as to how unhappy she is. Who does she tell? Her acunpturists, a friend she know of 6 years --- these are the ones who I know about because they testified in court.
But does the unhappy wife tell her husband of 22 years? Nah
Does the husband approach her numerous times throughout the marriage stating you seem unhappy in our marriage what's going on? Wife never responds. Instead gives answers like its a figment of my imagination.
Then I discover the truth. She's been unfaithful while I support her as a stay at home mom. I even gave more space but all that did was give her more opportunity to become more unfaithful.
So I say enough. I can't continue to financially support you while you are having these flings. Let's call it quits and do what's right.
Well she doesn't like that. She wants to keep it like it is. Me support her financially while she lives in 5 bedroom house with my kids and be free to do her thing.
Politely I note come on I've been faithful to you for 22+ years. I always provided for you. Never been abusive. You can't possibly think we end it like so.
So now the domineering angry wife tries to make it difficult for me.
Now the kids are walking around saying WE have to be happy!!!
In essence they want me out of house so THEY (my kids and ex) can be happy.
But wait. The kids never had a problem with daddy. Daddy was always there. Daddy always provided. Daddy was never abusive.
Now the kids are walking around saying WE are in the process of divorcing him!!!

Now the kids are 2 early teens and a 9 year old. They are confused. The teens are angered. And the 9 year old is scared and confused.

The teens consider me a monster and want nothing to do with me. The 9 year old cant figure why can't I have more time w dad?

The advice I get is that the kids will come around. When they get older they will see their mother for who she is. Yeah I get it. But she's extremely clever. I see her working on my children hard to the point when they do understand the truth it won't matter. I will be a stranger to them.

Yes I know I must have faith and never give up which I won't. But it's so amazing that a man having sex with my ex wife and my ex wife inviting this can just tear at a family.

Man, I'm the bad guy to my kids because my ex wife commits adultery and I don't condone it

Ciao_Bella posted 9/2/2013 08:34 AM

Sounds like you are dealing with Parental Alienation, which is a very serious situation. My Ex did it to me, so I know what you're going through. Start reading some books and on the internet to figure out how to handle it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Ciao

Mem465 posted 9/2/2013 08:44 AM

Sorry you are going through this. Do the teens know about her adultery?

If not, tell them, but not with detail or anger. For many reasons they deserve to know the truth.

[This message edited by Mem465 at 9:04 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]

invictus posted 9/2/2013 09:26 AM

My heart hurts for you -- I can't begin to imagine the pain it must cause that your children are angry with you.

I hope you will be able to work through and spend some time with them, individually and all together. Each one of them needs to know that you love them and that your "unhappiness" is not their fault but that it was caused by your Ex's choices which hurt you AND them.

They need to know that no matter how much someone hurts you/them, doing wrong to "feel better" is never the right thing to do. They can still always love their mother and you hope they will understand and still always love you -- but also understand that TRUST is one of the foundation pillars for marriage and yours was compromised.

My own children (adults) are still angry at my Ex -- they don't want to see him or speak to him. Two are married and did not want the Ex at their weddings and the third may never even GET married because of the example and consequences of infidelity we all lived through.

I hope you can connect with your kids completely aside from the "happy family" scenario. There can be happy families without a cheating spouse. It takes time and healing. Healing can only take place when the cause of the wound is found, removed and treated.

Look for family counseling. And above all, just do what you can to make sure the kids know you love them and you aren't mad at them.

... and ... they will NEVER "get over it"... they'll learn to live with it, but they are permanently scarred -- it just sounds like your Ex keeps opening the wound.

All the best to all of you.

Nature_Girl posted 9/2/2013 10:30 AM

Get the book Divorce Poison today and start reading. I hate how some waywards actively work to ruin their children's relationship with the betrayed parent!

dmari posted 9/2/2013 12:42 PM

NG beat me to it. Purchase, download, borrow "Divorce Poison" TODAY!

Kajem posted 9/3/2013 05:27 AM

Talk to your lawyer about parental alienation. Depending on your state, there may be options for your lawyer to utilize in court.

Strongmama posted 9/3/2013 06:18 AM

I'm so sorry. Yes parental alienation is horrible!
My ex has done it, and still talk bad about me to the kids.
They came home one night crying that dad said we're getting a divorce bc I had a bf! That's the night my kids learned their father left us bc he had a married gf. Something I would never wanted to tell them. Selfish assholes!
I agree to talk to your attorney about addressing it to her attorney and maybe that will shut her pathetic cheating butt up.
Your kids will figure it out someday; it might be a while, but they will.
I'm sorry. It's horrible what they do to these kids on top of everything else.

PowerGlo posted 9/3/2013 12:18 PM

Hey EB I feel for you. I am in the same position. She has alienated my boys against me using every trick in the book including I am not forgiving. The day I filed for divorce I had to call the police on my oldest son because he threatened me physically. A few months later he came after me and assaulted me. It just amazes me that anybody could side with her after all she has done to destroy our family. My in laws, friends and children do not speak to me. I live in a rented place while she lives in my $400,000 home with the boys. I can't believe I am going thru this nightmare without having any say so in the matter. Infidelity sucks...

ebmovingon posted 9/3/2013 12:42 PM

When I wrote my post I was sad of course. And to hear your responses and words of encouragement helps a great deal. But I want to share an emotion I felt when I read someone post "...my son assaulted me...had to call police..."

It made me want to cry. Because my daughter also assaulted me and I had to call the police.
I wanted to cry because I know that pain. I wanted to cry for the person who wrote it because I don't want anyone to feel that same pain I went through.
And this is coming from someone who rarely cries - who tries to hide it.

Man it hurts!!!

TrustGone posted 9/3/2013 13:11 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing with my kids when I filed for D from XWH#1. My DS was only 8 at the time I filed. My XWH#1 spent the next 10yrs making my son hate me and then hate my WH#2. Everyone (ex, attorney's, councelors, psychologist)said not to tell my DS why I was D his dad, so I didn't. They all said not to include him in the adult issues. Now I regret I didn't tell him at least some of it at the time it was happening. If I had maybe he wouldn't hate me today. I was going to tell him this past week when he was on leave before being deployed, but XWH#1 stepped in again to stop me from telling him. Maybe he would believe me now, maybe he wouldn't, but I felt I had nothing to lose. Please tell your kids NOW, so you don't wind up broken hearted like I am that my kids now hate me and don't know the whole story. (((HUGS)))

homewrecked2011 posted 9/3/2013 14:27 PM

Be sure to also check out the forum on this site that is called I Can Relate and you will find a topic called Betrayed Men. You'll find a great group of guys there going thru what you are going thru.

I suggest you get visitation and when you have them go to counseling. That is what I did. It really helped the kids/I relationship, as my youngest (13) was flipping out about the whole nightmare. Weekly we went to C and sorted thru all the BS of the week.
They didn't want to go, but we did. XWH went a couple of times, but he wanted to stay in the fog, and quit. But the kids and I kept going. It is the only reason we have any type of relationship. The counselor told me to calmly give my side of the story when necessary.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:29 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 9/4/2013 06:18 AM

I'm so sorry to any of you going through this. My girls are only little but I can already foresee some of this in my future. My 5 year old has told me several times that I hurt her daddy so he is already planting the seeds.

On the one hand it makes me weep for my confused little girl and on the other it makes me want to rip his face off.

Its one thing to betray someone - it is a special kind of cruelty to fuck up your kids by turning them against the other parent.

I've ordered Divorce Poison from my bookshop. I think its high time.

Bobbi_sue posted 9/4/2013 06:47 AM

The advice I get is that the kids will come around. When they get older they will see their mother for who she is. Yeah I get it.

I kind of hate it when people just say this. Maybe some kids come around...but look at the dysfunctional world around us and all the issues that seemed to contribute to the dysfunction. We are supposed to just automatically assume that confused, sometimes even brainwashed kids are going to just somehow one day wake up as adults not affected by it all, and will fully see through the mother's manipulations and selfishness. Not necessarily. And how many years will be lost while they are coming to these realizations?

But I don't ever want to be a negative person who suggests we throw our hands up and just accept something like this. I agree with those who are suggesting you get a lawyer on your side who will push the idea she is alienating your children against you. Because she is.