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Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 07:44 AM

This depression is awful. I don't want to get out of bed. It takes me an extra hour after the kids wake up to drag myself out. The house isn't clean, laundry gets clean but never folded, toys are everywhere. I just cannot do anything. Everyone around me expects me to "just do it". I am not sure where to go from here. I am on meds but they aren't working yet. But how do you turn off the questions and thoughts in your head? Last night I had the most vivid dream. My H came home and into our room in the middle if the night and woke me up to tell me he was sorry and he lived me. He laid there while I cried. Then I woke up.

My H says our relationship made him unhappy so he left. He cheated with a 19 year old but says its over. He keeps saying we went too far. In my mind, our M worked. We weren't happy all the time but we were best friends, great lovers, and awesome parents. But he says after we had a fight he "snapped".

We talked the other night and he said he was going to speak with his dad this weekend (his dad is a divorce atty). I think I pushed the subject of divorce but I don't want it. What if he does go through with this filing for divorce? I feel like even if he ends up not wanting it, his pride will stand in the way because that would be one more hurdle to get over to R.

I don't want D I want to R. Anyone have any suggestions or stories?? Help! I am losing my H.

devasted30 posted 9/2/2013 08:04 AM

EyeoftheTiger
Hang in there. Possibly your WS is trying to shake you out of this depression and doesn't understand that you have to "ride the storm" to heal. You haven't really told us if he is sorry or remorseful? Your dream seems to be telling us that he hasn't expressed these things to you? Is that right? As far as the lethargy is concerned, not being able to function, don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you've heard that when we go through this it is a form of PTSD and it really is something that is going to takes years? to get better. I don't know how I am going to feel from minute to minute let alone how I will feel tomorrow. I think you need to sit your husband down and have a real "heart to heart" conversation with him and let him know exactly how your feel and ask him if he wants this marriage or not. If he does, tell him what YOU NEED to get better - what he needs to do to help you heal. If he doesn't, then perhaps the best thing is the 180 and let him start with the proceedings if that is what he seems to want right now. He is, obviously, still in "the fog" and things might just become clearer to him as time marches on. Good Luck and remember you are not alone. (((Hugs)))

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 08:11 AM

He has said sorry with genuine emotion. But obv didn't DO anything to make it better. He stabbed the knife harder and said he wants a divorce. He regrets what he did but I don't think he sees it as what caused him to leave or want a divorce so I don't seem him as remorseful. He sees it as he was unhappy which is why he wants out. The affair just showed him how unhappy he was. He cries when we talk about How i love him and would try and how we cant be just friends. and even about the divorce or when i bring up how hurtful it is to know that while i was sitting right next to him he was falling out of love with me and wanting to talk with someone else. So I am just so confused as I why he actually wants a divorce. I just cannot believe that he was so unhappy that his only option was leaving his family high and dry and not looking back. He left the same day he was telling me he was unhappy.

My guess, his guilt and unwillingness to put in effort is what is making him want a D.

[This message edited by Eyeofthetiger at 8:13 AM, September 2nd (Monday)]

Pippy posted 9/2/2013 12:07 PM

His immaturity made him seek the excitement of his youth. That's why he cheated with a 19 year old. They get stressed out when they have to deal with the real life issues like bills etc. and they never think that this new relationship will end up with exactly the same stresses (but it does).

I'm concerned that his father is a D lawyer. How much influence has he had in your WH's decisions? I know you 2 have talked things out but he seems set on D. Will he even consider MC/IC?

My advice, because you need strength to cope, is to do the 180 (Healing Library under BS FAQs #11) It works!

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 15:11 PM

His dad is devastated. He has told him from the beginning to go home work things out etc. But his parents have little clout when it comes to my H. My WH has always been stubborn and gone with what he wants at the time.

I just asked WH if he spoke with his dad, he said no not yet. I bet he is scared to even ask his dad anything.

I was 180 last week. Then emotions took over. Detaching is my only option. But it hurts so damn much.

Girlietoo posted 9/2/2013 16:03 PM

I am very new here and really haven't figured my own shit out, but I wanted to say just one thing. If you don't want a divorce, it's ok to tell your husband so. He may reject you ((another ouch)) or he may change his mind or maybe you could table it, just for now.

But I don't think you can let him proceed with the divorce if that isn't truly in your heart. I realize this opens you up to more hurt but I am learning via therapy to say what I feel rather than expecting my husband to guess.

I am not sure when your Dday was but I stayed in bed for about 3.5 mths, doing only what needed to be done to survive. You will come out of this depression and you will be ok. I promise. ((Hugs))

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 16:09 PM

Thanks!

Dday was 2 weeks ago. He left 10 weeks ago though.

I told him ( begged cried) to work on things. He just says he wasnt happy. We grew apart. We are different people.

Saturday night I thought divorce was best. No need to chase a man who cheated and doesn't want to be with me. But it really isn't what I want. My dad helped me to put a divorce into perspective. He said a divorce a this point is only a piece of paper, it won't change your heart.

I sent my WH an email asking him to wait to file for a little while. No need to rush things since we are both so emotional. He hasn't responded.

Thefly559 posted 9/2/2013 16:44 PM

I feel your pain and I am so sorry for you . From what it sounds like to me is that he had an exit affair . I am no therapist and believe me I have my own problems but it sounds so similar to what my wife did ! She said the same to me and I did the same as you ! Exactly the same probably worse , as a grown man I was leveled to the point of begging her while hysterical on the floor and crying asking why? And please don't do this . It was the worst moment of my entire life ! I too couldn't eat , sleep , barely breathe.so I know all too well your pain . My suggestion is to do the opposite of what I did ( I know it's hard ) but you cannot control him or love and beg him back he will get more power like that . Do the 180 thing and if divorce is what he wants then one time explain how you feel and that you do not want it and wish to save the marraige that's it . Then get a lawyer and cut off contact . I know it isn't what you want ! As you read through these stories nobody WANTS this but it is here so know how you react will make the difference . Also think about you for a minute and don't let your emotions answer but don't you deserve better? I don't know you or your relationship but I do know we are not perfect . Nobody is and he had other choices besides infidelity. Do you agree? Think about if you can live the rest of your life with a man who gave what was supposed to be yours to another woman and said the things he has said to you with no remorse ( not an apology , remorse ) . Do this and hopefully he wakes up and realizes his mistake and gives you the remorse you need to heal. I hope he does ! I also hope my advice helped , I wish you all the best and hope you are taking care of you first ,like staying hydrated and eating healthy you will need to be strong mentally and physically in times to come.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 17:39 PM

Sometimes when I talk to him he seems sad and confused. Other times he is cold, short, and knows what he wants.

Everyone around me tells me he is confused and thinks he knows what he wants but is being irrational and selfish. He may never fully understand the weight of his decision.

I wish he would be self reflective. But he isn't. I don't see how a marriage can be so bad for someone and to the other person it was fine.

We have literally been through everything together. We had our first child at 20 he worked while I finished school and didnt have to worry about working. Then once I was done I supported him in starting his business. We were always best friends enjoyed each others company. For the most part I thought we got along, agreed on almost everything. His business took off and he became very busy and never really seemed here even when he was. But yet we still made time this past winter an spring to do things together.

I am having trouble finding things that make me happy. Everything I did for the last 10 years involved him. I look back to 3 months ago and I can feel his love and warmth toward me. Which makes this even harder to handle. Where did it all go wrong?

He seems so stuck in his ways. Stuck with the fact that he wasnt happy. We grew apart etc. he didnt even attempt to tell me any of this so we could work on it. I don't see how he will ever realize WTF he is doing. He was just telling me 4 months ago he would have the same fight every day if it meant being with me. And then just holding me and telling me how much he loved me. Where did that all go? And how can I get it back? URGH

Thefly559 posted 9/2/2013 19:45 PM

My wife did the same exact thing ! Up till the day I caught her at 2am in a hotel when she was supposed to be out with her friends! It does not sound like he is giving you the truth. I hope I am wrong but if you can read " not just friends " by Shirley glass it will help you understand . My wife also told me she loved me and had sex with me like we were 18 again a week before I caught her , she was also giving mixed signals as your husband is. I am sorry for your pain I know how you feel and it is horrible ! Why ? I used to search for why ? All day and night . I also did not think our marraige was that bad but she told me she was gone for years! I was devastated ! As you are too. You will move past this to anger soon and that will help you. Read that book if you can please . And I hope I am 10000 percent wrong All the best !

kansas1968 posted 9/2/2013 19:52 PM

Well, I would have a talk with him and try to be as unemotional as possible. (I know, that is hard) Ask if he seriously wants a divorce or if there is a possiblity of reconcilliation. If he says yes to the divorce, then get yourself an attorney and go 180. Weakness and begging are the quickest way to send a wayward out the door.
So sorry you are going through this. He chose the wrong path to deal with his unahappiness. He chose the path that would hurt you the most. Very selfish.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 20:23 PM

What the hell is wrong with these people? There has to be something mentally wrong. No sane person walks away from their family. My WH seems to blame it all on me. At least that's what it feels like. He cheated he walked away so it must be something I did or didn't do to make him that unhappy. And that hurts because all I ever tried to do was take care of my family.

Thefly559 posted 9/2/2013 21:14 PM

Just breathe and focus on you, like I said you are in the beginning of a severely traumatic experience probably the most in your life you will get through this , keep posting and try journaling it will help you release your feelings. You will be at anger soon ,as I did . I am still there and I am 5 months since d day with no remorse at all not even One text ! She has a full time boyfriend and is in love with him. She cheated on me for two years I found out after . I tell you this to let you know I feel your pain and I know you will get through this no matter which path you walk.

Pippy posted 9/3/2013 12:41 PM

You are now experiencing the stage "Re-writing of marital history". They do it out of guilt and begin believing that the marriage was never happy. They blame you for everything, so they can justify their actions. Google it - there's lots about it on the net.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/3/2013 14:10 PM

Is there a way to get them to see what really happened? Or do they think that forever? Or do they eventually realize it on their own?

PhantomLimb posted 9/3/2013 14:22 PM

I'm not sure. In my case, when he would start to do that (re-write) I'd say to him "I want you to know that I hear you and I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings... but I disagree with the way you are characterizing X. I think you know that it's not the case and I refuse to engage this." Or I would simply let him know that telling me about some of the stuff he was bringing up (e.g., about finances) was waaaaay too late now and should have been addressed before he had a freaking A.

Basically, I'd shut him down and he never really had a comeback to anything. And I thought it was important not to allow myself to be the focus of his anger/frustration... particularly given that I was so wounded by what he did I wasn't really thinking straight and didn't have a lot of strength. I feared that I might "lose" any argument I got in with him not because I was wrong and he was right, but because I was so thrown by his claims. If I had argued with him or tried to prove him wrong, it might have allowed him to say to himself "see, I'm right-- she has no defense" or something along those lines. I thought, for the sake of our M, it was important not to go there.

So I 180/NCed. The problem there is that you have no control. It's now up to them to realize they are re-writing and being assholes. but, if they don't realize it, I think that's important info. It tells you whether they can even handle R. At least, that's how I approached it.

And then there was the factor that, by focusing on myself, I was leaving him to go to OW for advice.... or, more rightly in this case, validation. Of course I'm the wicked witch and our marriage stunk. It has to for her to get what she wants. He kept throwing in my face that she "says I deserve to be happy" and that she had apologized if she played any role in our breakup. Oh give me a break.

So if you do what you're supposed to do and take care of yourself and let him go... it sucks because it can result in losing him. And it's unjust and unfair to find yourself being actively demonized.

But, again, I'd rather he figure out for himself that he was happy and doesn't want to lose me than to have to "fight" for him. Because if I have to fight to prove to him that we loved each other now-- when would it stop in the future?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 2:27 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/3/2013 19:02 PM

Just googled info on rewriting marriage history. That all fit my life to a tee.

I want to share it with my WH but it would prob just make him mad or he would deny it. But could it help?

Thefly559 posted 9/3/2013 19:06 PM

No contact will help. From someone who has been there my advice is no . But I know how you feel and if you are at all like me I had to learn everything through trial and error . All the best

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/3/2013 19:11 PM

I don't plan to send it. It only makes sense to rational thinking people and he clearly is anytbing but rational these days.

Feelsmall posted 9/3/2013 22:27 PM

I'm so sorry, but I can feel your pain.

No one ever asked for this, not one, but when it comes to us, we have to deal with it with one faith, I am who I am not because of anyone else.

Life is too short for that bullshit of "Can't not live without that S.O.B".

If D is all he wished, Nothing you can do to make a difference, let it be. My WW wanted exactly the same thing, did the same action as your husband, I told her that take whatever I have that you want, and all I can do is wish you good luck.

Guess what, she changed her mind of getting divorce just the day before we were going to get the paper finalized.

let him know you do can have a well-lived life without him, it's much better than beg him back. You know, human is like "it's all worthless until you are about to lose it."

There is nothing to afraid of, we would be there for you at anytime.