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Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 08:53 AM

Three years ago today my husband left us. My daughter was 4 1/2 and my son was just a newborn. We've been to hell and back. The past 3 years have been the best & the worst. WH was having an affair and went to live with the OW for about a year. In 2011 he came back to our state and has lived with his dad ever since. Broke it off with the OW this past summer, and has said he wanted to reconcile. I found out yesterday he had sex on impulse with another woman this past Thursday once he returned from working out of town. He fully admitted it. I was furious. I told him last night I was done. I said I thought we had made some strides in the right direction with him learning to communicate more, but he was mad because I was still withholding sex. I know I had been but I didn't fully trust him and I didn't always "feel" like I was ready for sex. He had a strange sense (very black and white) if he filed my need by him talking to me then I would fill his need for intimacy.

We had went on a date recently (he said it felt more like friends than partners), and to a local fair w/ the kids (but he was 1/2 into it).

He is furious with me for not reconciling and choosing divorce. IDK if I made the right decision. I'm really really really doubting myself. I've been on my own for 3 years. It's tough financially but w/ the child support he gives me freely (which we calculated) I'm okay. Not living high on the hill but that's okay. I've dated some too.

But I've always had this weird sense I can't live without this man.

Even though friends say why? I do still love him. I've known him 20 years and he's always been my friend. That's 1/2 my life I've been with him.

IDK if I've lost my mind and if any of this makes any sense, but I don't know if I can go thru w/ the divorce. WE worked on it earlier in the year andthen put a hold on it.

In his anger last night he said I would only get one chance and that was it. Never again. He was mad that some other man may live in his house and be near his kids. I have the same fears if he gets a girlfriend.

There are not enough antidepressants and Xanax for me today.......Please help. I'm feeling so lost. Thank you all for your continued support thru this mess. I didn't ask for any of this and have remained strong. I can't do it anymore though. I just want to hide in bed, but I've got 2 kids to raise.

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 09:27 AM

He wanted to schedule date nights for the two of us because we have no time (since he works out of town a lot during the week). Maybe we could have gotten there in time. He said I always put the kids 1st and forgot about him. Maybe I did.

I've been listening to others a lot and have lost what my inner feelings say. I'm just really lost.

hitbyatruck posted 9/2/2013 09:56 AM

Your WH has been around the block a few times since you separated. How does he feel about STD testing? You should both be tested. Don't make it all about him.

Even if you would practive safer sex are you emotionally ready to have sex with him. He just slept with someone else while claiming to want to R. DOes that make sense to you?

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 10:01 AM

Yes he said he will do STD testing. He did a year ago. But he would need to do so again. I have done so.

He's open to that.

No it doesn't make sense. Emotionally it's a lot to handle. To me sex is so much more than sex. It's a connection with someone. He says he looked elsewhere last week because he was so frustrated with me and didn't think R was happening.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/2/2013 10:05 AM

Wow 3 years. I am in a similar situation that you started with. My husband left me and my 2 kids 2 1/2 months ago. I found out later that he had been texting another woman while he was here. He says that has stopped but still won't come home and instead wants a D. I want to R so much. I love this man but hate what he is doing.

You are strong to not have D in the last 3 years. Do what will ultimately make you happy. But he was the one in the wrong, he should be doing what needs to be done to make you happy.

Housefulloflove posted 9/2/2013 10:20 AM

There seems to be a heck of a lot missing in his attempts to R. He is still doing incredibly hurtful things and blaming you.

You get that if he is doing these things now he's not going to change just because you "officially" declare yourselves in R, right? Being married didn't keep him faithful, wanting to R isn't even keeping him faithful. There is something wrong with HIM that is causing him to make these horrible decisions but he's still blaming you. His anger and ultimatums say a whole lot and none of it is good.

Is that really who *YOU* want to be with? Your love isn't enough to make a functional relationship. What is he going to bring to the table to make things better than before he left?

Based on what you wrote he seems impulsive, angry, blames others for his actions, controlling, self-centered...all the things that would lead to the decision to abandon his family 3 years ago to pursue what he thought he wanted. He may have many wonderful qualities that you miss but if he hasn't improved in the areas that led you all down this horrible path, why would the outcome be any different this time?

Strongmama posted 9/2/2013 10:43 AM

You sure have been through hell and back. You're also not alone...

My, now ex wh left me and our three kids a little over two years ago for his married affair partner. He then said after a few months that he wanted to R; and I thought I did too. Well, it was false R and he was still in his affair. Sick. Sick. Sick bastard.

The stuff they do is the most hurtful; cruel; scary, and evil thing I believe one person can do to another human being; besides murder of course, but it's a close second in my eyes. Then to do this to the mother of their children is sickening.

Okay, the fact that he just did this again, and is trying to put the blame back to you just makes me ill:(. Do you think this man (term used loosely) will ever own anything? Do you think you'll live the rest of your life wondering if you don't give him sex today that he won't go out and find it somewhere else that night? I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like living to me. Just my opinion.

Whatever you chose you need to make sure it's not just giving in because you think "you can't live without him". Well, you have for years now. He sounds completely immature, and selfish like my ex. Actually, I've learned it's really pretty easy to live without being cheated on and lied to constantly. It's very easy.

Is it scary at times; YES. Is it lonely sometimes; YES. Is it terrifying at moments trying to figure out the future; YES. But...when I figured out that things usually work out, and it's okay to not have control of everything and sometimes all you can do is make it day to day.

It does get better, and easier everyday. There are set back days, resentment days, bone tired exhausted days, but then there are great days with my kids, friends, and family~people in my life who would never hurt me or expose my life to STD's, and hurt and trick me and these days make it so worth the long road of this horrible nightmare called infidelity and divorce.

You do what you need to find your happiness. You are a strong and amazing mother and woman. Please don't let some broken selfish person make you feel like you deserve this type of treatment. Stay strong!

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 11:23 AM

Thank you everyone.

When the idea of divorce earlier this year was his idea he was more than accomodating and agreeable to terms. When it came down to it we both held back and couldn't move forward this summer and sign the papers.

This morning he is texting me saying he wants the 4 wheeler, and other various items fromt he home that he didnt want before........nice.

He blames me for it all. He said he knows he's made mistakes, but the rest falls upon me. He is sorry he left us, but remorseful I don't think so.

I don't feel strong at all. I feel so weak. 3 weekends ago we went to dinner and even stayed in a hotel and talked. It was so nice. Now, because he wasn't getting his intimacy needs meet like he should he sleeps with yet another woman? I shouldn't have let my heart open to this.

Strongmama posted 9/2/2013 13:26 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Just be gentle with yourself for now.
He's shown you what it's all about; his needs; his wants. Someone who cares about you doesn't lie; hurt; expose; and abandon you.
It's scary and exhausting. No real good advice, but I want you to know you are strong, and great! You will make it through this. You will figure this out. Trust yourself, and know he has shown you his true self.
Actions speak so much louder than words as we all know. Take care.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/2/2013 13:48 PM

You can't R with a man who won't be faithful. He just slept with another woman. If you stay with him you can expect more of the same.

I say cut your losses and RUN. I spent way too long in false R with a man who just couldn't stop going to other women. It didn't matter whether I loved him or he loved me, he was a cheater.

Your WH is still a wayward. Let him go and move on with your life. There are other men out there who can treat you better than this, and trust me, being without the blameshifting bullshit that the wayward throws at you to make himself feel better at your expense is a huge relief. Being single is better than putting up with that.


Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 13:54 PM

He told me 2 months ago whatever I chose, even if that meant divorce, then he wanted happiness for me. And he would have to understand.

I am wondering right now if he is SO mad by admitting he had sex with yet another woman (there's been three that i know in the past 3 years) and feeling horrible with himself for screwing up but it's easier to pick on me/blame me..........Blameshifting is the term correct?

I felt lost and depressed today. Thank god for my kids. They give me hugs and kisses. I'm sure I won't hear from him til the weekend because he is out of town working as of tonight.

As I sat there and cried he just watched me. He said nothing. As if......he didnt care......maybe he didn't.

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 13:58 PM

After the weeks of I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I can't believe I did what I nothing. Except "I want the 4 wheeler" Screw that. He knows we live in the country and the kids and I enjoy it. He said that he hoped I'd be happy with the new man in my life. I admitted I had dating some. Not much. And I sure as hell didn't live with anyone. But I don't want anyone in my life right now. One little man, age 3, is enough for me.

He can be very mean and harsh. He will be this way with me until something starts going his way. Right now he's defeated. He didn't get his way with me.

But my counselor said yesterday do you want to accept a man who cheated on you once again. He will then know if you take him back that he can do it again.........and it's okay. I won't be walked all over. He said he slept with the OW last Thursday because I had no interest in him and never called. Again my fault.

He has had unprotected sex with 3 women. I've been tested and I'm fine. But he's either going to get AIDS with his reckless behavior or get someone pregannt. Oh my.

Where is the man I love?

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 14:01 PM

So you really all think if I had tried R this would have happened again at some point. Maybe not in a month but 6 months or a year? I want to believe people can/want to change.

maybe I was a bad wife?

cayc posted 9/2/2013 14:12 PM

maybe I was a bad wife?

I don't care if you were routinely throwing cast iron frying pans at his head, the penalty for being a bad wife is to divorce you, not to fuck around on you and lie about it. So NO his cheating and being unremorseful and being a dick when he doesn't get his way is ALL him ALL the time.

Your WH sounds like he's afraid to be alone. Really came a courtin' you once he was done with OW but when you didn't pretend everything was peachy, he went elsewhere to be fawned on and admired.

You can tell him what the requirements for R are. If he starts doing them, well, maybe there's a shot. But if he balks, or blameshifts, or retorts with "well what are YOU going to do to change" then fuck him and fucking divorce him, pronto. The latter attitude means yeah, he'll cheat again as soon as he feels he's owed it.


Strongmama posted 9/2/2013 14:20 PM

Oh Melody:(. You were not a bad wife! No matter what was going on in the marriage; or not going on, he made the choice to cheat and lie and abandon you and you children. It hurts, and it's horrible. You did not deserve this. You don't deserve this.
The best advice I've seen here was RUN! It's scary, and he will be horrible...these cheaters can't stand that you wouldn't want their wonderful cheating asses. Barf. It's unbelievable the shit they'll do to hurt you, and he will have no problem using the kids and hurting them to hurt you. Case in point the 4 wheeler.
My douchetard ex tried to take our teenaged son's They are so clueless, and down right hateful and ruthless.
He will not change. You will have to change if you stay with him; just to survive.
I wish I could help you!! I've been there, and it's really so much better to just detach. I hate him for you, and for hurting you over and over. Don't let him continue to do this.

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 14:47 PM

What steps do I take to detach? I am used to talking to this man daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. It's so familiar to talk to him even if it was good or bad.

cayc posted 9/2/2013 15:42 PM

Well there's limiting contact with your WH and then there's detaching. Those are two different things.

Re-read the 180 in the healing library. That'll be a good start to wrap your head around what you need to do to start protecting yourself emotionally.

Melody3 posted 9/2/2013 15:48 PM

Thank you. I'll start reading today.

Melody3 posted 9/3/2013 07:43 AM

I made it thru the day and did not contact him.

I did contact him this morning. Why? Because it's natural ad we always say good morning........Ugh I know I need to let him be.

Here is what I said to him that set him off into a rant in person and by phone that I was taken aback by. He was so mean and cruel. Cursiing and calling me things he never has before. Did I deserve that? NO, but again I've been in this relationship so long it's familiar and I'm used to it. How disturbed is that..........

WH, (I wrote this and said it in person)

I think it's become clear to me things are not working with our marriage even though we've tried.

I think we should end it and I can talk to the attorney again soon.

I love you and always will. You are my first and last love.

I take so long because it's not just a random decision (he was on me everyday the past 2 weeks--what do you want--tell me In some ways I think he set me up because he was talking and hooking up with someone else and needed an excuse to get out of our relationship).
It's us. It's 20 years. I'm sorry i aggravate and always frustrate you.

Love, Me

hitbyatruck posted 9/3/2013 12:04 PM

Call me, text me, write me a letter anytime you feel like contacting this jackass.

You are way too good to him and he doesn't deserve you. LET HIM GO.

I know the concerns about your children spending time with him but I really think you will be doing your children a favor by splitting from him for good. They need to know that it isn't OK to let someone treat you like he does.

You are way too kind hearted. Get mad. Get mad at him. Stop contacting him. Don't answer when he calls. If it is important he will leave a message. Or simply tell him to end his FITS you will only talk to him about kids and money when needed.

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