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In need of serious support

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Smrowley posted 9/2/2013 09:15 AM

Thanks for reading in advance, this will be long. A bit of background, I am an American citizen, my husband from the United Kingdom. We've only been married since January of this year and we just had a baby in March. After tons of money and effort my husband has a green card for the US allowing him to live and work there. We've come to England to visit his family. I have no legal right to live here as of yet. My husband went in tour with his band just last week and I found Facebook messages from a married woman with 4 kids in her mid 30s. I'm only 24 and my husband 26. It was clear from the messages they slept together after a skinny dip in the sea. The married woman seemed to be the aggressor from the messages and was also asking for it to happen again and while husband replied and told her how much fun he had and no regrets, I also found out the married woman had a condoms on her. The night it happened my husband told me this type of thing wouldn't happen, and then spent the next several days telling me he loved me and missed me and even tried sexting me after the fact. He's coming back tonight so I haven't confronted him to his face but we've spoken n the phone about this. We believe my husband is bipolar and the issues with out son if I were to leave, would mean that my husband couldn't live in the US with his son. So I'm losing a husband and a father to my son. I think this would kill him. He's very unstable and I believe he would kill himself. I am so hurt and anger and I've never felt this depth of pain before. I have no idea how I would ever trust or want to touch him again. I am looking for some hope really, as now I have none. It's hard to accept the remorse, is it remorse because you were caught or because you genuinely feel awful? It's been about a week today since he did this and I'm just devastated and I don't know where to go from here.

Smrowley posted 9/2/2013 09:30 AM

Also, when asking him if he enjoyed it he said yes and I know I shouldn't have asked but I just can't get it out of my head.

annb posted 9/2/2013 09:43 AM

Hi, Smrowley, welcome to SI. I am so sorry for the reason you are here but you will find a great deal of support from men/women who have walked in your shoes.

Have you checked out the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? A great place to start to help you understand and process the devastation.

You do not have to make any decisions yet, give yourself space to breathe and grieve the loss of what you thought you had in this marriage.

Remorse will be demonstrated by actions over a long period of time...years, not months.

It really doesn't matter whether or not the married woman was the aggressor, cheating is a choice, your husband chose to cheat.

If your husband is bi-polar, he needs to get proper medical treatment, but it still is not a justification for cheating.


jjct posted 9/2/2013 09:53 AM

Regret is sorrow for the consequences to yourself.
Remorse is sorrow for the consequences to others.

You can feel the difference.
Mainly, because you've felt remorse yourself.

Sending strength.

Smrowley posted 9/2/2013 09:55 AM

Yes I know he's just as much to blame. No doubt. We think he is bipolar, but he goes through phases of thinking there is something wrong and then he thinks he's fine. The only problem is we're only able to stay in the UK for 6 months in a year and we're meant to be leaving in November and without medical insurance in the states he can't get any treatment as we have no money. So I feel like I have to make a decision soon, and we are staying with his parents so it makes this even more difficult. As I'm alone really. No family or friends here.

brkn_heartd posted 9/2/2013 10:11 AM

So sorry you are here. Typically, one has time to make decisions, you may not have the same amount of time as normal. Regret is not remorse. Remorse to me is the life long effort to demonstrate commitment to the relationship and healing. Regret is only from being caught. While bipolar is a diagnosis, don't use is as a scapegoat. He made his choice and will continue to make choices whether correct or incorrect.

While you have only been married since January, you may be looking at a very long road in your future. Your decision will be if you can tolerate that. You are the only one that can decide it. No one else can. Strength to you as you make your decisions. Have you laid out your deal-breakers for him? Have you demanded transparency to find out what he is up to? Polygraph? Some of these can help you make a quicker decision.

Smrowley posted 9/2/2013 10:22 AM

He's not had an affair per se more of a one night stand. My main concern is my 6 month old child. If I leave he won't see his father. He won't know him. And no bipolar isn't a scapegoat but more just pointing out the mental instability here. He's been away until thus evening so I've spoken to him on the phone but I'm still hurting too much to see him.

Pippy posted 9/2/2013 11:32 AM

I may be completely off base here, but if I were you, I'd be worrying about him not letting you take your son back with you. I'd be on the next plane.You need to be with your family.

Maybe it doesn't work this way, but I've heard of it before. Then you can be more relaxed to think about what you want to do and take your time.

You are very young with a long life ahead of you. If things don't work out with your WS, you WILL meet someone else some day and they will love your son too.

The idea of living in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your son just doesn't work. Kids imprint from their parents how a happy loving couple acts, so they also will learn the wrong way too if raised that way.

I'm concerned that your WH is so casual about the cheating. Sounds like he's stuck at 16. Not a good sign.

kernel posted 9/2/2013 11:36 AM

((Smrowley)) Why can't you go back to your family? He can always come back later - nothing says it's forever. I think it makes sense for you to return to your family so that you have support and some time to decide your future. I agree with Pippy that it might be the safe thing to do as far as custody of your son.

Skan posted 9/2/2013 12:57 PM

Please consider that he needs medical attention, if he is bipolar. If he isn't, he still needs to get to the bottom of whatever his mental condition is BEFORE he goes back to the USA. He can do that in the UK. He evidently can't in the US due to your finances. He should stay where he can get the help he needs for whatever medical condition he has. And start working on WHY he made the decision that he did.

Trust me. The worse case scenario for you is not "losing" a husband and father to your child. It really isn't. The worse case scenario is for you to live in fear of the next time that he decides to have rollicking sex with some groupie and then have it posted all over social media. And then waiting for the next time, and the next time. Ad nauseum.

Please try to detach a bit, hard as that is, and think through what your life is likely to look like. Also, I am so very sorry to say this, but your WH needs to get to a doctor immediately and have a full STD/HIV panel drawn and make appts to have the follow-up tests. You need to not have sex with him until the doctor shows you the negative results. Groupies are not known for their healthy sexual habits and just because she posted that she had condoms doesn't mean that they used them. And if they did use them, that still won't protect you if they kissed or if they had oral sex with each other. I am so very sorry to have to type this. But every one of us has had to face this. Were I you, I would also be tested Just In Case. (((hus)))

Ashland13 posted 9/2/2013 13:17 PM

I'm sorry, smrowley.

I am older than you but have children too and now their father does not live in their home, after cheating on me.

It was along the lines of what you are thinking about your child having his father in his daily life that kept me hanging on to a marriage that was basically one sided (me) and Nearly Exh had no courage to tell me.

I am also a child of divorce and in some ways the situation as similar-no cheating that was found but abandonment was much the same that my mother did to my father.

I share this part of my story because it was hell to grow up hearing the chaos between my parents and hearing my mother cry when she thought we couldn't hear her, or meals ruined when she ran out of the room instead of argued and so on.

As an adult, she actually told me one day, "I stayed for my children, until you were all of legal age to care for yourself." Well, that knowledge didn't help me, it made me cry and made me miserable for a long, long time. I will probably always wish she didn't tell me that information and I will wish that she left earlier, but in a different and above-board/honest way.

Your situation isn't easy all around, with different countries involved and I understand how much care you likely have for your WH, but I'm sorry, it seems like you are giving you life and all to him but he is not reciprocating. It doesn't sound like he's remorseful or respectful to you and the child you have and I'm sorry, but you deserve more.

It's hard when we first discover our spouse or SOs have turned on us and I worry that if he did this once, he could do it again-especially if he is bipolar and not getting help for it.

I had to ask myself many questions, but one of the big ones was, to find out what my threshold was for his behavior and lack of respect...and how many times could I chance the pain again or disrespect to our family, myself and our daughter?

Don't this young child grows, this man could be his role model and I know for my children even though they now live daily without a father in our home, their lives are more steady and they can trust who is coming and going in their home.

Especially coming from the life I grew up in, that means a lot for me. But it's not easy to process.

cayc posted 9/2/2013 14:31 PM

Your husband has a CR1 visa, correct? And you are currently living in the UK on a 6 month tourist visa, correct? Just so you know, you are the one breaking the law at the moment in terms of misrepresenting your intent when you entered the UK. If someone wanted to make an issue of it, you could be prevented from entering the UK again.

Until you divorce, your WH can keep his CR1 visa and can come to the US. Go home. This is his fault. If he wants you, his M and to be a daily part of his son's life, then he has to go back to the US, the place he committed to live in with you. If you divorce? Then he can come visit, easily on the same type of tourist visa to the US that you're on now in the UK.

Smrowley posted 9/2/2013 18:24 PM

Thank you for all your replies. I have a lot to think about. It he sti screening has already crossed my mind. And about the visa situation that is incorrect. My husband has a green card. The terms if this green card require him to not be out of the US for more than 6 months in a year. I am breaking no laws as I'm allowed to have a tourist visa for the UK for up to 6 months in one year. We are visiting family and our intention was to return home before the 6 month time is up. He must go back to the states or his green card is void.

Gemini71 posted 9/2/2013 21:29 PM

You did not create this situation, and you cannot fix it. Only he can.

For your own good, I really think you should return to the states with your son. That way you will have the support of your family, and will not be violating the terms of your visa. Whether or not your husband decides to join you in the US, will be up to him. If he loses his Green Card, it will just be another consequence of his poor decision making.

It is quite common for people with bi-polar to go off their meds when they are 'feeling good' and deny that there is a problem until the pendulum swings. He really needs to get help, but he's an adult, and you cannot make him do it. Only your WH can choose to get help and change. If that means he has to stay in the UK to get treatment, then so be it. Perhaps he can return to the US until the new year, then go back to the UK for treatment. But it is a decision he has to make for himself.

You said that you are concerned about your son not knowing his father. If I were you, I would be more concerned about the type of father he would be getting to know. A person with untreated bi-polar will have difficulty being a good parent, just as your WH has been unable to be a good spouse under these conditions. Your son in young, and a prolonged separation from his father would be worth it if your WH can be a stable loving parent to him in the future.

As far as deciding whether or not to D, take all the time you need. It can wait. You have had an emotional trauma discovering your WH's cheating. Do what is best for you and your son at this time. What your WH may or may not do is out of your control. Let him know that you love him and wish him well, but that he really has to deal with his bi-polar before you can even think of working on your marriage. How long you give him to do this is completely up to you. Reconciliation is a gift that you can give your WH, it is not an obligation.

Good luck and ((hugs)).

Lionne posted 9/2/2013 21:37 PM

I just have one thing to add to the good advice you are getting. DO NOT live your life with a non-medicated bipolar. DO NOT raise a child with a non-medicated bipolar. Read my profile.

cayc posted 9/2/2013 21:55 PM

And about the visa situation that is incorrect.

I work for the agency that gave your husband a "green card" so I do know what I'm talking about.

He has an LPR card, but he was given a CR1 visa that he has to convert into an IR1 visa in two years. Those are two different things. The "C" stands for conditional and that means you have to be married for 2 years before it can be adjusted to a permanent IR1. If you D now, yes, he'll lose his LPR card and will not be able to adjust status or naturalize.

And if you are living in the UK on the 6 month entry they grant you at port? That's a tourist visa, not a live in the UK visa, so yes, you are breaking the law if you misrepresented your intent upon entry. And you do need to think about these things b/c if you mess up, it'll come back to haunt you when he tries to adjust status. I"m not trying to scare you, I just think you need to be aware given all the decisions you have in front of you.

Smrowley posted 9/3/2013 06:35 AM

He is seeking treatment and we have the appointments made. However, I'm not living in the UK we are staying with his parents visiting on a tourist visa, when I entered the UK I told the border officers my purpose for visiting and they had no issues. So I am not breaking the law as I have absolutely no intention of staying here past my 4 and a half month stay. And he's you a correct, his green card is conditional and can re adjust in 2 years and become a citizen in 3. But as you know he cannot stay out more than 6 months. So this is my dilemma. I cannot legally live in the UK and he cannot legally live in the United States after the green card is void. So this is my issue. Well one of them obviously.

purplejacket4 posted 9/3/2013 20:50 PM

I'm an FP (like a GP there) who treats A LOT of bipolar disorder.

Most people with bipolar need:

1) an antidepressant (to keep them from getting too depressed or low) and
2) a mood stabilizer (to keep them from getting manic or too high)

In the US most of our antidepressants are generic and almost all the SSRIs are on the Walmart 4 dollar list. Some of the older mood stabilizers (tegretol, depakoate, and lamictal) are also generic. The trick is for his UK GP to choose ones that are generic and cheap here. Once he's stabilized he shouldn't need many doctor visits. Also many larger towns have free clinics (I run one in west Texas) for those who cannot get insurance. The docs in the UK are perfectly capable of looking this up as I have also done this in reverse. Making sure something I prescribe here can be continued in Australia, the UK, etc.

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