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Happeningtome posted 9/2/2013 10:16 AM

Take responsibility for their actions, or just Waywards? A or non-A related make a difference?

These question have been in the back of my mind quite a bit lately (i am hypersensitive to "owning my choices") and I thought I would toss it out there for comments.

Here are a couple of scenarios for examples.

1) (A-related) My BH's livelihood was threatened by someone who was not in any way impacted by my A. She didn't like me because I had an A (fine, a consequence I deserve) so she turns around and tries to destroy my BH's business. Is this person's behavior (reaction?) my responsibility to own, as it is related to my A, or are the actions she took her responsibility?

2) (not A-related) A person makes a choice to do something that ends up being very time consuming. Person becomes very dissatisfied with amount of time this activity requires, but instead of making changes within their control to mitigate the time requirements, person just complains, doesn't make changes, doesn't ask for help. Person insists they have "no choice" in the situation and just has to wait it out for it to get better.

I don't understand this. Person is making the choice every day to live with the current situation, even though it is completely within their control to change. Is it wrong to feel like this person needs to own their choices at this point?

Thanks for your thoughts/comments.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/2/2013 18:56 PM

You cannot make someone own their actions. You can request and you can decide whether you can live with someone who believes he is stuck and will not take your advice.

Own your own crap. Don't own someone else's. And don't resent someone else for not owning theirs.

This is not tit for tat. You are not owning your choices just to stay married, right? It's for your own health.

ccw82 posted 9/2/2013 19:19 PM

I agree with UnexpectedSong. You can't make some take responsibility for their own actions, nor can you resent them if they don't. All you can do is take responsibility for YOUR actions, and let life play out as it may.

Good luck to you!

heforgotme posted 9/3/2013 12:34 PM

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A-related) My BH's livelihood was threatened by someone who was not in any way impacted by my A. She didn't like me because I had an A (fine, a consequence I deserve) so she turns around and tries to destroy my BH's business. Is this person's behavior (reaction?) my responsibility to own, as it is related to my A, or are the actions she took her responsibility?

Hers. Those actions were vindictive and quite frankly, nonsensical. What point could possibly made by harming your BH bc she didn't like what YOU did???

However, if this is making you feel bad, make sure you talk this out with your BH or IC. If you are feeling guilt or worry over this, you don't want it nibbling away at you for the rest of your life.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/3/2013 16:34 PM

When it comes to A related scenarios there is a double edged sword.

I agree that you can not take responsibility for other people's actions, however if those actions are fueled by your actions you should take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation where those actions were even a possibility. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the fact that you allowed others into your private life and provided ammunition against you and yours that could potentially cause harm.

There are ripple effects that we WSs don't anticipate. We are so wrapped up in ourselves that we just can't see how far the damage can spread.

uncertainone posted 9/3/2013 16:53 PM

I agree that you can not take responsibility for other people's actions, however if those actions are fueled by your actions you should take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation where those actions were even a possibility

Those actions are fueled by your actions. That is problematic thinking, to me. Actually, kind of wayward thinking.

If someone doesn't like you because of your choices how is directing that retaliation against your husband part of the equation at all? Guilt by association? If she's going to do that she'd do it with any reason that pisses her off. Might be your religious views or party affiliation.

You didn't invite her into your marriage. We can potentially live our lives providing other's ammunition. If they use that ammunition against an innocent party that isn't about you or your choices. It's about them.

In answer to your question, no one HAS to take responsibility for their actions. Hell, people become masters at deflecting and assigning blame regardless of how much should be owned by them.

That's everywhere and can become a huge chicken and egg circle jerk. Well, if you hadn't had done xyz I wouldn't have done abc. Oh yeah, well I did xyz because you did def so now I see your xyz and raise you abc AND def. Voila, now the WHOLE cluster fuck is your fault. Bravo. You are now an enfante terrible and need a huge time out.

If anyone wants a priceless demonstration read any Eloise books by Kay Thompson and illustrated by Hillory Knight. Epic...when you're 6. Not so much as an adult.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/3/2013 19:31 PM

Those actions are fueled by your actions. That is problematic thinking, to me. Actually, kind of wayward thinking.

Perhaps I did not make myself clear so I will try to explain further.

If its true that this woman is trying to ruin Happeningtome's BH's business solely due to the fact that she had an A, the problem would not exist had she chose another route. Sure this woman could be pissed about religious views but that's not the situation that was presented. The information given is specifically about her A. The question was what do you take responsibility for. So, as I stated before, you can not take responsibility for someone else's actions. What you can do is take responsibility for putting yourself in a situation that can cause pain to yourself and the ones you love.

If an interaction were occurring between her and her husband it could go a couple of different ways. One, saying to him that his struggling business is not on her but this crazy person. That said crazy person is responsible for her own actions, so sorry. Or two, she can sincerely apologize for her own actions and putting them in a situation where others can take advantage of their pain.


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