Been a long time since I posted on here. Funny how a resource can call you out of your darkened corners.
A little backstory to the 6 year old R and issues we've had:
2003 - Rekindle friendship/date
2004 - Married + adopt D
2006 - First child together S
2007 - A with coworker/boss
2008-2009 - Severe Alcoholism issues
2010-present started own biz
2009 to present Calmer seas but withdrawn
2010-2011 - W worked in biz, then got job in same office which was better setup for us, and working together was not great for us.
I think a lot of the A and drinking was in large part post partum and her underlying anxiety issues which seem to have improved. I do still see some self-medicating with drinking but not to the degree it was and not in a dangerous manner. I see some signs of escapism from her, spending hours reading or playing games on her phone alone, and sitting in the garage smoking and doing the same. I occasionally ask her to watch some shows we used to watch together and she's not interested. I ask to set up a date night and it just comes apart and we don't go. I play a role in it sometimes, but I just feel like we are living side by side, respectfully and even happily, but not really intimately.
We rarely make love, we peck, hug some, and I give her massages constantly. I feel like that's the only contact she really enjoys from me, and I do it because I do enjoy it, even just that connection, and I want to make her feel good in any way I can. The rest of the time I feel so far from her.
Part of me says we live the busy lives of full time jobs, a self owned business, a 7 year old second grader who is a beautiful boy, and a 13 year old eighth grader who is blossoming into a wonderous young lady. I am a blessed father and love every minute I get of it. I understand the need for space, alone time, and recharging and I seek/get that myself. I still see plenty of time and opportunity to work the things my heart calls me in to do and yet it never seems to happen.
Don't take me wrong... My spouse is a wonderful person. She is stunningly beautiful to me (even though she doesn't feel she is) I enjoy spending time with her when we do things together, often centered around the children. We laugh together and work well together in many ways. I trust her with my life, our children's lives, and we have many good times. She seems to have leveled out in many ways from the biggest chunk of issues we had. I'm proud we stuck it out and gutted it out together and I love her more for it and I'm so glad my children have the lives they have right now as compared with if I'd left her when this all came down.
So what's the problem? I'm still scared and I still don't know how to feel about the boundaries I feel I have to set and live with.
I see this cycle coming up in smaller ways sometimes. It is in part a reflection of my own issues.
As you can tell, I don't even know where to begin. First I am putting it all out there and going to see counselor alone before pursuing couples counseling of some kind.
My basic issues:
1. Lack of affection/physical intimacy
2. Lack of activities/stuff together
3. Lack of ability to talk through stuff
4. That a lot of the above has to do with how she feels about herself which I have very little to no influence on
5. Losing attraction... I feel unwanted so much from her that it makes me not want to approach or try.
I've worked on lowering expectations, forgiveness, and really trying to see it from all sides. I don't know whether she and I have the right stuff to make the long haul or whether I'm forcing something that isn't meant to be.
Meant to be is a loaded term I know. I just mean more that if I have to live with some physical distance to respect that is who she is, and some kind of emotional distance in order to protect myself from the mental harm/struggle that comes with being intimate with someone who has hurt and disrupted my life and my children's lives. Anything that endangered us is years removed so that's good.
Part of me wants my partner to be that person I can be physically comfortable with, that I can feel more free sharing with, that I can do more things with, and who I don't see a recurring tendency of struggle in myself to just be happy with.
I've thought about divorce and I'm not there yet, I know I still have work to do and that my children deserve the stability of this household we have built together after a rocky start.
So I wait... and focus on my other roles, but these questions gnaw in the back of my mind... is it possible I'm not supposed to be with her, that I would never undo what we went through and did but that I don't know that I want a lifetime of struggles like this first decade we had together.
Maybe it gets better soon but how long, how long of something being off despite your best efforts is enough to honor yourself and the other person and to let each other go?
You can tell I'm all over the map, I am looking for my compass though and I guess that's why I'm typing here again.
Thanks for listening.