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New guy has no time. Or does he?

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InTheRabbitHole posted 9/2/2013 12:36 PM

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. He is a single dad with 50% custody. Kids do a week with each parent.

He has lots of commitments outside of his kids and his work. It doesn't leave much room for me. I'm pretty sure that if he wanted to there could be room for me too. But that's the thing, he says its all these other commitments but I think if he wanted to see me he would find some time.

I think in writing this out I've answered my own question. It looks like its time to move on. But it sucks because I really do like him.

nowiknow23 posted 9/2/2013 12:38 PM

((((ITRH))))

completeshock posted 9/2/2013 12:39 PM

((InTheRabbitHole))

If someone is important to you, no matter how busy you are you make the time.

I'm sorry, it sucks.

justabrokendream posted 9/2/2013 13:39 PM

^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^

Thelastknight posted 9/2/2013 15:09 PM

He probably just doesn't have time. I am a very busy single father. It sucks but it doesn't leave a lot of extra time.

jo2love posted 9/2/2013 15:17 PM

(((InTheRabbitHole)))

persevere posted 9/2/2013 16:43 PM

I dated a guy who had the same custody schedule of his 3 kids - week on/week off. Seeing each other on his week without the kids was no problem, just occasional other commitments. His weeks with the kids we didn't see each other, and it got to the point where I didn't hear from him during those weeks because he compartmentalized his life with his kids and his life without his kids, and I was in the latter. And he had only been divorced five months when we met, so he was still healing and learning how to be a single man and father.

ITRH, I agree with you. If he wanted to spend the time with you, he would arrange to have the time. At least in the off kid weeks, it shouldn't be an issue.

BTW, I ended it with XBF four months ago because he wasn't ready for a relationship, and he started IC. He contacted me last week and we met this weekend to talk and he wants to start seeing each other again with greatly improved open communication, because he says he realizes what a great thing we had. I'm going to try it, slowly, and we'll see.

My point is you lose nothing by being honest about your expectations with this guy. It is completely reasonable that you'd rather date someone who has time for you in their life. If he can't meet that expectation you move on to find someone who can. If he says he can you have another decision to make, though I'd let his actions show you if he means it.
(((ITRH)))

Bluebird26 posted 9/3/2013 05:21 AM

Maybe he is really busy. I am a really busy single mum, but I know I have no time to commit to a relationship right now so I am not actively seeking one.

Maybe he shouldn't be looking for a relationship if he is truly that busy. Maybe a heart to heart chat is in order to work out if he is really committed in having a relationship right now? Does he know how you feel?

NaiveAgain posted 9/3/2013 06:40 AM

If someone is important to you, no matter how busy you are you make the time.
This is absolutely true. Right now, because of the circumstances, my new guy has no time for me at all. He is job hunting, full time student, taking care of and living with family 35 minutes away (with very bad phone reception) etc....

He goes without sleep to see me. He comes over at 5:30 in the morning to spend an hour and a half before he starts school. He puts boundaries with his family and lets them know they get this day or that day, but a few days are sacred for me.

No money and no time make our relationship very difficult, but if it is important to someone, they will figure out ways.

I've been told over and over that if a man wants something bad enough, he will figure out a way to get it. This has held true in every case I've ever seen

(((ITRH))) He doesn't sound ready for a real relationship commitment just yet. He may actually fear getting close to someone but whatever it is...he needs to work thru it on his own and you need to have someone that has already worked thru their issues and are ready for something real and strong.

InTheRabbitHole posted 9/3/2013 09:22 AM

Thanks everyone. We chatted yesterday it sounds like we will be moving on separately. I'm sad and disappointed. However, I agree that if he this busy he really needs to not be actively searching for a relationship.

I'm surprised by how much this sucks.

veelop5 posted 9/3/2013 10:36 AM

So sorry...I am going through somethign similar and I am about ready to pull the plug...it hurts...it sucks but think about what we have been through...we will make it ...sending you lots of hugs!!!!

completeshock posted 9/3/2013 19:17 PM

Sorry ITRH, it really sucks!

Bombshell posted 9/4/2013 23:26 PM

I am in a similar situation. New relationship, "friends" and he's got a job that takes him out of state A LOT and kids.
He was just here in town for four days and we were going to try to get together...but it didn't happen. He felt bad, I was upset and here I am.
I don't want a permanent relationship (it's too soon), but I would like to know I'm not at the bottom of the list.
I'm back and forth about what to do....sometimes I have no patience. I really like him and we've had a great time when we have been able to connect.
I agree....it sucks.

EvenKeel posted 9/5/2013 07:29 AM

However, I agree that if he this busy he really needs to not be actively searching for a relationship.

Does he recognize that? Sometimes it isn't until you try to juggle a new relationship that your realize the time thing.

This happened to me. I was doing the OLD thing and when I finally went out with the guy....it was too much juggling. I took down my dating profile in the interim.

Now if the perfect person just stumbles into my life - I will revisit it.

There are many single parents that make it a conscious choice during the 'crazy years' of parenthood (running kids to 3 places at once, etc).

7yrsflushed posted 9/6/2013 09:27 AM

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months. He is a single dad with 50% custody. Kids do a week with each parent.
I know you agreed to move on separately but I wanted to chime in. I am a single Dad with 50/50 custody that also does week at a time. I am not ready for a relationship but I do have a friend that I enjoy hanging out with and she enjoys spending time with me. Adjusting to single life, the schedule with the kids, and work is tough but I go out of my way to try to spend time with my friend. I am firmly in the camp of if a guy truly wants to spend time with you he will make the time or at least plan far enough in advance to make time which is what I/we do.

Are there times when I get overwhelmed, yes, I am still new to this but she understands and we work around it and make plans together.

InTheRabbitHole posted 9/6/2013 17:05 PM

7yrs - Thank you. You hit it on the head for me.

I feel like an idiot. He has nothing going on this weekend and doesn't want to spend time with me.

If he wanted to he would.

I'm thinking its time to go NC with him as each message hurts me more.

[This message edited by InTheRabbitHole at 5:05 PM, September 6th (Friday)]

phmh posted 9/6/2013 17:58 PM

Yes, go no contact and then pick up a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You."

With such a short relationship, you'll be surprised by how quickly you feel better with NC!!!

Find someone who really wants to be with you. You're fabulous and you deserve that!!!

persevere posted 9/6/2013 19:04 PM

ITRH - he has made you an option - don't be one. NC is the best way to go. ((Hugs))

You deserve better and you will find it but only if you let go of this guy completely in your mind and emotions first.

miadianna posted 9/6/2013 19:14 PM

Why is he dating? He would be probably be good with a woman who just wants to have dinner once in a while, there are some out there. I think he should clear that up in the beginning.

InTheRabbitHole posted 9/7/2013 12:42 PM

Deleted his info. No way to get in touch. NC now. :)

I think this was my rebound from my rebound

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