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RedRose posted 9/2/2013 13:52 PM

I found out about WH's A with a married coworker in December, almost two years after it started. He swore it was over once I found out, but then I found out in February that it had gone underground. I then found out again in July that they were still "friends," and still talked constantly every day. He swears now that he hasn't talked to her since then.

My problem is that I am still incredibly suspicious that the A has gone underground again. WH is getting frustrated by my digging and my refusal to leave the past in the past and work on the future. I understand how important it is to stop dwelling on the past, but until I feel comfortable that the affair has truly ended, I don't know how to stop looking at his phone, his history, etc. throughout our false R he said all the right things, so how do I believe him this time around?

authenticnow posted 9/2/2013 13:55 PM

You believe him when you are ready to believe him. There is no set timeline. It takes consistent, honest, trustworthy actions by him over time...a long period of time (different for everybody).

He has absolutely no right to make you feel bad about this. As a matter of fact, 100% transparency is a forever thing. We are over 6 years out and I welcome BH to look at anything of mine at any time. I welcome it because if it helps him build up the trust a little bit more that's a good thing.

Why would your WH care? Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/2/2013 16:30 PM

JMO...but a truly remorseful, truly transparent, truly committed to building a future WS would NOT voice their frustrations in this way...and would do whatever it takes to prove to you that the A really is over. They would be an open book...giving you access to anything, anywhere, anytime, no questions asked. ESPECIALLY after a false R. Thats when a truly committed WS steps it up. Thats when they go above and beyond to address your fears and provide you with whatever comfort they can...be it a shoulder, searching thru phones, emails...whatever it takes to make you feel safe.

you have every right to feel the way you do for as long as you need to. Saying all the right things is meaningless unless there are solid, consistent ACTIONS to back it up. Dont neglect your feelings, and dont feel pressured into moving faster than you can. Allow yourself the time to work thru and process everything. Do what feels right to you.

hugs to you