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Question for you further down the R road-WS welcome to respond 2

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duststorm posted 9/2/2013 19:45 PM

I am the pregnant BW and I'm new. My WH had an affair with a co-worker, he's actually her boss. He HAS to see her and maintain contact with her-which drives me crazy. WH's job found out about the A and he almost lost his job. She's had FOUR complaints on her and still has a job. ARG!!
Anyways, WH says he's sorry, wants the marriage to work, wants the family, is excited about the baby, etc.
At the same time, he still lies. He lies about her interaction with him. For instance-he had to take a new hire to lunch and the new hire works at OW's location so she went too. Instead of telling me about it, WH said it was just him and new hire. I found out OW was there, too. We are in MC and he even said he knew he needed to be honest, but then turned around and lied.

His reasoning to me-he sees the anxiety it gives me, he doesn't want to upset me, and he doesn't want to hear it from me.
Well excuse me. (and this is why I said waywards feel free to respond) I'm tolerating the fact that OW works for him daily. Every day he goes off to work and I'm at home worrying, the least he could do is tell me the truth. So this is where my question is:

How long does it take for the remorse to set in?

I know he's not having "relations" with her, and every day things get better, but the lies set me back. Keeping her a secret, keeps me at square one.

She also got separated last week and he says he didn't know about it. I struggle to believe that being he lies about little things, why not lie about big things?

He says he feels horrible, he says he feels guilt...and I believe that to an extent. Is there a time line on remorse? If so, someone please show it to me? He almost lost everything, he gambled with EVERYTHING-job, family, marriage, etc.

Please help!!

kansas1968 posted 9/2/2013 19:59 PM

Most cheaters gamble everything and could care less when they are in the grips of an affair. Their brains are on steroids and they feel invincible.
What he is telling you about the lies, that he doesn't want to hurt you is classic. In part, it is true. They HATE to see your pain and just want the whole thing to go away.

They need to know right up front that it will take years, hard work, honesty, but if they can do that, it will build a closer relationship than you ever had before he affair.

Get some good books and work through them together. "Not Just Friends" is good by Shirley Glass. A lot of others listed on one of the forums.

He needs to know that what you are going through and how you are acting is perfectly normal. You are not crazy or unreasonable. This is a road from hell but with compassion and understanding, you can make it.

We are closing in on the third antiversary and things are much, much, better.

But that took rages, bonding, counselling, books, hours of talking, and compassion on both of our parts. It wears you out!!

rachelc posted 9/2/2013 20:00 PM

Oh honey.... More experienced ppl will be along shortly but let me just say, after an infidelity there should be no more lies. Not one. Actions have consequences and his shit should be on the sidewalk.
If he has to learn the hard way, so be it. You should not tolerate disrespect, even if you have to go it alone....

duststorm posted 9/2/2013 20:31 PM

Thanks for responding, guys.

I also need to add that we do talk about it. We talk about it daily. I feel like I beat a dead horse...and I can beat the hell out of a dead horse. He and I are opposites, he's a man of few words anyways, while I have words forever. In the back of my mind I remind myself that isn't a talker. He answers my questions, he listens to me go on and on. Tonight I asked him what other reassurance he could give me other than his words (which clearly aren't always the truth) and he said I just have to show you.

This is a high risk pregnancy. We thought we were going to lose the baby very early on. It is a miracle I've lasted this long. I wake up at 4am every morning with panic (this has gotten better). He saw me not eat, he saw me sob, he saw the 10 lbs I dropped rather than gained, he saw the stress the A put on I do understand him not wanting to "upset me when it's nothing." I believe I need to be the judge of what "nothing" is but he doesn't give me the chance.

Also, how do you control your thoughts of; this is normal behavior for WH, vs. he's not giving me what I need? He goes to the bathroom and brings his ipad, I automatically think the worst----ever though he did that BEFORE the A.

Am I over thinking and applying what I "THINK" remorse should look like rather than accepting what HIS remorse is?

Am I stupid for even thinking this R issue is a me issue rather than blaming him for everything. I know I'm an analytical thinker anyways, he just isn't.

And the mind movies. OMG someone tell me how to turn them off, they are horrid.

jjsr posted 9/2/2013 20:43 PM

The bottom line is if he is still lying to you then you are not in R. Truth needs to be told and if so then maybe he needs to find a new job. HE needs to do whatever it takes to make the R work.

Clarrissa posted 9/2/2013 21:00 PM

FWS here. As another poster said, if he's still lying, you're not in R. Big stuff, little stuff, doesn't matter. Most would think it's no big deal if I left work early but I tell my H anyway. Every time. I tell him ASAP if I have OT scheduled. No springing it on him last minute. Why? Because it's part of being transparent and honest.

You need to know if he has interaction with OW that's not strictly necessary. Better the truth than the uncertainty and mind movies. *Those* cause more stress than the unpleasant truth. If him taking his iPad into the bathroom with him makes you uncomfortable then he needs to stop. Doesn't matter if he did it pre-A or not. Habits can be changed.

*You* set the requirements for R. If one of those requirements is him telling you of every interaction with OW, then that's what he needs to do. It's on him to prove he's safe to be with. And right now he's not very safe.

It's good that he's willing to talk, short on words though he may be BUT those words need to be the truth. No omitting, no glossing over, no outright fabrications. YOU decide what you need to know, not him.

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