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When will the pain end?

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Mom4ever posted 9/2/2013 20:12 PM

This site has really helped me not to feel so alone. My D-Day was June 13, 2013. I had had uneasy feelings but dismissed them. One of my kids on this day told me that my stbxh was having an affair with their best friend's mom. They gave me lots of details that they and their friend had pieced together. I confronted OW and her response, "Well, you haven't been the wife he needed for a very long time." Follow with confirmation from her XH and her father... I did not confront my husband because he was out of town. He came home the next day furious. Never seen him like this before. Didn't strike me, but was physical with me and left marks. Had to call police. Stbxh took a lot of his things and left. I got a protection from abuse order that day and filed for divorce the next day. Maybe I moved too fast, but that to me was the straw that broke the camel's back. He had dropped the ILYBINILWY speech 3 years ago. Total shock and devastation. Claimed there was no one else and I couldn't find any evidence. We went to counseling some (mainly me). Things got much much better or so I thought. We have 3 kids spanning 10 years in age difference. We stay very busy. We both work full time and he works a lot on call. But he's been distancing himself since the fall and it's been worse since early spring. This all fits in the timeline of the OW filing for her divorce in fall and it being final this spring. I have had very little communication since the protection order. Only 1 time face to face with him and our lawyers at a meeting. But he has told many many people that they were just good friends and he has not had sex with her. I don't believe it. She was also a friend of mine that I had been fairly close with. I had confided in her from time to time. Now I know she used everything I said against me. I have been with my husband since I was 16. We dated 2 years and were engaged 2 years and have been married 22 years. I have never even dated anyone else. He has been my life. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. At our meeting he was begging me back and crying. But now the order has been lifted for our kids but not on me. But we can have communication by text or email but only about our kids. He has hired the most sleezy lawyer in town. He is being very cold and distant now. He had put a family pic as his profile pics but now it's gone. So I guess he's given up. Guess that means he wasn't serious about wanting to reconcile if he's given up this fast. I just really need to know if I will ever stop hurting. This just physically hurts me to my core. I loved this man. But now I don't even recognize him. He was diagnosed with low t a couple of years ago and started on testosterone injections. He then starts working out religiously (2 hours a day) stands in front of a mirror all of the time and shaves his entire body. He became sooo angry all of the time. I'm sure he was taking other enhancement things from GNC, etc. I think he has been going through a midlife crisis. After our counseling 3 years ago I started working on and changing everything about me. I made all of the changes. I tried to be a more submissive wife. I let it all be about him. I thought if I could just be good enough he would be happy. Well, it hasn't worked. I don't even know who I am any more. Can anyone offer any insight or hope?

fromthisdayfwd posted 9/2/2013 20:34 PM

I may not be the person to offer you hope. However, there is advice I can offer.

Read about the 180 in the healing library (top left of your screen.)

Also - Please read, The Rules by Ellen Fein. There is another specifically for The Rules for Marriage as well. You can find used copies super cheap at and

This book really explains a lot off what men find attractive - which includes their spouse, too. Even though I am married I found the book to be very insightful and helpful.

If you really want your marriage back I would suggest 1 - you pray for you, him and your marriage (The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martian is a great book) 2 - wait until he really really wants you.

You don't want someone who doesn't really want you. If you are with a man who's level of interest in you is low then YOU will be doing all the work in the relationship. I think you have some experience with that all ready.

I can say that reading here helped me a lot. I know that one way or the other; I will end up being okay. It may not be today but it will happen.

So will you.

nekorb posted 9/2/2013 20:50 PM


I wish I had advice, but I'm new and not doing so well myself.

I just want you to know that you've been heard and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Mom4ever posted 9/2/2013 21:49 PM

Thanks, both of you. I will check those books out. I have the Stormie book. I have used it for the last 3 years. I'm not sure that R is possible anyway. Too much was said and I've always told him that an affair was a deal breaker. When the police were called my two youngest were at home. Now one of them has got to see a trauma counselor in addition to the counselor that all 3 of the kids started seeing after D-Day. Since he's asked me now for a divorce twice, I'm not sure I can go through this a 3rd time. The one good thing about the last 3 years is I can look our kids in the eyes and tell them that I tried and did everything possible to save our family. This has been a double betrayal since it was with my friend. The mind just never rests. I keep replaying times with both of them. The time he wanted to ride to an out-of-town game with her and I told him no and he got sooo mad. Now I know why. Why she always seemed to come by our house before I got home. When my mom was in the hospital and I was staying up there she was always wanting to go to my house to help with the kids... I know that I have to find a way to eventually forgive them, but I don't think I can ever forget. I have trust issues anyway because of not having a relationship with my dad. Now I don't think I will ever trust anyone again, not even myself since I have been so blind to this going on right in front of me. I took my vows to my husband and God very seriously. I just can't understand how he dismissed them so easily. I just hurt so bad I don't know how my body keeps breathing, but it does. I know God gave us freedom of choice, but to think that this kind of thing goes on all of the time with so many people and seems to go unpunished just hurts my head. I'm sure I'm wrong for wanting to see some justice here, but I do. I hope they both repent and I know that God will forgive them. But the lives they destroyed will still be in pain. Surely there will be consequences to them both.

[This message edited by Mom4ever at 9:51 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

mof2 posted 9/2/2013 22:08 PM


I am so sorry you are going through this. The pain though extremely intense will subside over time. I'm 7 months in and do still feel tinged from time to time, but I just have to think about all the shady things he did during our marriage and it helps me realize that my kids and I are better off without him.

When you feel the pain intensify, cry to get some relief. Keep coming here and pour your heart out and make sure you have friends whose ear can bend. Also remember that you deserve better than that ass!!!!

Girlietoo posted 9/2/2013 22:47 PM

Forgive me if I am out of place since I've only read this brief story- it sounds like you husband hasn't been a good husband to you for a long time now even outside of the affair. I suppose you need to think about whether the relationship is worth saving if you had the chance to give it another go.

I don't know you, obviously, but I do know you didn't deserve this betrayal, because no one does.

You are absolutely right, you have done all you could to keep your family together- but you can't do it alone and you can look your child in the eyes and know you did your part.

You and your children are in my thoughts.

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