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Newest Member: NumbEmptySad (61504)

User Topic: M O W divorcing...:(
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOW and spouse separated when WS and her were found out the first time. After the second time, WS and her finally had NC and she slowly started communicating with her own WS (they had an *open* relationship, but the lines were not clear for either of them). I was angry at the time because I wanted that woman to be by herself, pining away, losing all material possessions because that was what I thought she deserved.

Fast forward to now. They've moved back in together, things seemed ok, (I think, as an outsider anyway) and as recently as July she text me and told me (again) how sorry she was for her part in the affair, she would go to her grave with the guilt, and all she wanted for the rest of her life was her husband.

So, a friend tells me today that her boyfriend was talking to MOW's WS and asked him how he was doing since he hadn't seen him in a while. He states, "well as good as you can get going through the Big D." Boyfriend asked what happened and he just said he was "sick of her shit". :( :(

Now, I'm feeling triggered, paranoid, and scared. MY WS has been doing all the right things, been saying all the right things, seems happy. So why can't I shake this feeling? I hate it! I'm scared that when or if he finds out she is divorcing, he'll want her back, even though all signs point to that not happening (he even has stated she wasn't who he thought she was, wanted out but didn't know how without me finding out, etc).

Anyone gone through this?

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40500
Member # 40500
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand. The MOW got separated last week so I'm feeling the exact way.
I didn't want her to be alone though, I want her H to be on her butt constantly to have another set of eyes on her and accountability to him.

How did OW act when they were S before? How did WH act when she was separated? Did he act any differently than when she was in her own marriage?

Posts: 25 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Texas
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just my 2cents... having her married was no guarantee. She was apparently not above cheating on her spouse twice. I don't think her married state matters any more than her divorced state. They're both the same if being married doesn't matter to her. Maybe now that she's single she'll find a new relationship and new LOOOVVEE.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i used to think the same way...wondering about the relationship status of the ow my h cheated with. i actually thought at one time, that it would be better if they "had someone" so that they wouldnt be available to my h.

when i look back on that...i cringe.

what i learned is this:

the other women's relationship status was not the issue. it is hard to accept that..and not be insecure...i get that. i felt the same way. but is not about the ow. it is about what your husband chooses to do. it wouldnt matter if the ow was married or not. if they wanted to cheat, they would make it happen. and that is exactly what they did right?

so really, we have no control over what they do.

the ow divorcing her husband has nothing to do with you. the discovery of her a may have played a major role...but who knows what else was going on their their m. you will never know. not even your h will even know the full story of her m. and it shouldnt concern you, or your know what i mean?

if this ow decides to reach out to your h...or if your h hears she is single now, and wants to cheat, he will. and there is nothing any of us BSs can do about it.

what we can control is what WE decide to do if that boundary or any of the r rules are violated. YOU can decide your next move.

if he decides he wants her back now that she is single...that cant be controlled either.

and if we played the tape....lets say, he did leave...and go back to would hurt like hell. and he may go...but i bet if he did, and changed his mind after he saw the grass wasnt greener, you might not even want him back.

you know what i mean?

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. Don't let the OW matter to you and your R.

What should matter is your WS's actions. Keep your eyes wide open. Remember, we can only control ourselves. We all have choices to make. WS may make the wrong choice, but remember that you also have a choice. That's our strength as the BS. Our happiness is in our own hands. Don't let the OW or your WS drive YOUR life.

How do I know this? My WS cheated on multiple Physical and Emotional affair with multiple women. Plenty of the OW told my husband that they'll wait for him if it doesn't work out with me when he told them it's over... Regardless of that, we're R 5 years now and stronger than before. So trust me when I say that the status of the OW relationship doesn't matter.

I hope that helps.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I told MOW's BS about the continued contact and that their A was not only EA but PA he kicked her out. She did contact my WH and he did break NC for the 4th time. Final DDay I told my WH he made his choice enough times that it was so blatant it wasn't me he wanted. I left for a week and made an appointment with a D atty.

To my surprise I have found NC since and this has also been confirmed by the MOW.

I got to a point where I didn't care I just wanted my WH to either work on M or go be with her , not both. He's been fighting to stay at home ever since.

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just told that WH "overheard" a conversation at work that OW and her BH "probably weren't going to make it." Part of me was happy that she just might get what she deserves, her family destroyed, but the bigger part of me worried. Now she's available.

Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 40317
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went back and forth whether I should tell WS this information. I decided I had to because that's just who I am. *I* don't keep secrets.

DH looked at me like I had two heads. He said "Niaveone, I love you. I don't care what they are doing. I *want* to be here. I don't want her or their screwed up idea of what a relationship is."

I guess it's one day at a time, one anxiety attack at a time. But onward it is.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 19 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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