Topic: How long should you wait
Member # 40529
| Posted: 8:46 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
My H is having an affair with a person he cheated on me 20 years ago with. He got his Karma then when she cheated on him. I love my H dearly and don't want to lose him, and I know he loves me because he has begged me over and over again not to leave him. I am pretty sure this is just a midlife crisis. He tells me to be patient and wait. What if I wait & I lose? What is a good time frame to wait?
[This message edited by HeWantsMeToWait at 8:46 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40115
| Posted: 9:02 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
What is your husband wanting you to wait for? Maybe he wants you to wait so he can file for divorce first? Cover his tracks so you won't be able to prove infidelity?
You need to protect yourself. Gather what evidence you can. Read up on the 180. It is to protect you, but others have reported that it can show your WH that you're serious, and he needs to prove that he wants to R. If the OW had a BS, out the A. Nothing takes the fun out of clandestine A like the light of day.
I understand that you want to save your marriage, but you cannot do it by yourself. His asking you to wait gives him the power, and leaves you hanging in a painful limbo.
He needs to end the affair NOW. He needs to go strict NC with the OW NOW. You are his wife NOW, not the OW. Since he says he loves you, you should be his first priority.
((hugs)) and Good Luck.
"Better not give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Posts: 3233 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 30631
| Posted: 9:11 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
Do you want to share your husband? Highly unlikely.
"Just a mid-life crisis"! You are giving him permission to cheat. Welcome to your next 20 years if this continues one more minute.
You are already losing. Call her husband, tell him. Then kick him to the curb until he grows up. Married men don't get to have girlfriends. That's why we're married. Period!!
In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Posts: 917 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 18622
| Posted: 9:42 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
Wait for what? Him to realize she is the luuuurve of his life? Him to come home and say he's leaving for her? Him to come home and sy she is pregnant and he wants to do right by her and the child?
Nip this shit right now. If she has a husband or significant other you need to tell them immediately. Do NOT tell him you are doing it just do it!
If you want to preserve what is left of your marriage you need to put on your bitch boots and go to battle grounds. They don't play fair and neither should you.
There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.
Posts: 798 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Member # 38405
| Posted: 9:42 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
He wants you to wait until he is done with her so he can come back to you.
You need to put your foot down. Either you or her.
Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!
Posts: 678 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 40529
| Posted: 10:15 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
When this 1st started he told me he was thinking about heading for divorce, but now he says he wants to be with me & our family just needs to sort it all out. No she has no one else in her life. She is D & has lost custody of her own kids. He use to date her many years ago, cheated on me with her when I was pregnant no less. It lasted about a year before she cheated on him. At that point we were not married. He was a good father to both the kids during our time apart, after about 4 years old feelings came back up & we got back together. He ran into her a year ago they have had an emotional relationship up until June. When I found out about them even talking I put my foot down, he promised he would stop needless to say he didn't & a few months ago it became physical. I think he honestly feels sorry for her because she has nobody & if he stops now who knows what she would do she is a PSYCHO. No I do not want to share my husband, and at this point I am not. I have filed for a seperation.
[This message edited by HeWantsMeToWait at 10:17 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]
Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 38719
| Posted: 10:40 PM, September 2nd (Monday), 2013|
If you don't want a divorce and you want to fight for your relationship then perhaps you do want to give him some time to make a decision about what he wants. No I don't think he should be able to screw around with someone else and have you waiting in the wings- you might want to think about protecting yourself because the hurtful reality is that his decision may not be favourable to you.
I'm really sorry you are going through this.
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died
Posts: 282 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 28997
| Posted: 1:44 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013|
No!!! No !!! NO!!!!
He doesn't get any time
He does not get to use you as a back up plan.
You are worth committing to now.
He doesn't get a say.
On dday (before I found SI) I confronted my FWH and demanded he leave. He begged and pleaded for hours. At about 4am (when I was worn out) I finally relented and said:
"OK. You can stay. But call her and tell her you don't love her, never did and never want to see her again". He argued about not wanting to wake the household etc etc.
I said "Choose me or f..k off. Your whores may be prepared to share you with ME but I will never knowingly share my H with another woman."
He made the call and has been NC since.
If he had refused he'd be on the street.
I will not accept another woman in our lives. I'D RATHER BE ALONE.
You need to do this. You need to say it and mean it.
A wise person on SI once said that you need to be prepared to lose your M to have any chance of saving it.
You need to give him an ultimatum and stick with it.
Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"
Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Member # 16482
| Posted: 4:33 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013|
A sad truth is that chasing after him will only chase him further toward her.
He is being a classic cake eater (wants to have his cake and eat it too). Time to close the bakery. Begging doesn't work.
You need to shake him up. Tell him you want him to come get his stuff or you will sell it. Keep him guessing. Sometimes don't answer when he calls - that really gets them wondering where you are and who you're with.
Then read about the 180 which will help strengthen you for what's ahead. It's in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. Hugs.
I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 21101
| Posted: 7:37 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013|
Um No, not just no but Hell No.
This is incredibly disrespectful and delusional of he even halfway considers this as an option.
You need to tell him he needs to get out while he "sorts this out". You have to demand the respect you deserve. Seriously. He already thinks this is ok not sure why, but nothing clears the fog like finding your belongings in hefty bags on the front porch.
The saying around here is "You have to be willing to loose your M to save it.". The truth is you have already lost and it's not worth having an H that thinks sharing is a viable option.
(((( and strength )))))
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Posts: 11633 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 40113
| Posted: 1:57 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
As the first man to post in this thread, I just want to say I couldn't agree with all of you more.
Absolutely, 100% NO to waiting. I thought I heard some disrespectful $h$$ before but I have to admit your husband has some nerve to even ask you to do that.
That's essentially him telling you that he doesn't want to end the affair and wants to see where it will take him.......if it fizzles out then he comes back to you......if it escalates, then he will leave his marriage.
If you let him do that to you now, you will effectively be giving him permission and establishing a pattern for him to disrespect you for the rest of your life.
Absolutely, 100% NO.
Posts: 59 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: New York City
Member # 38511
| Posted: 2:06 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
Really, you think he loves you because he wants begged you not to leave him, but he wants you to share him. So he is willing to put his and his OW's needs over yours. I am sure he has seen the pain this causes, but he still is willing to do it. If he cared for you he would show remorse and feel your pain. He would give her up in a minute for you. Please 180 him now.
I am sorry you are going through this, but please don't wait. ((((Hugs))))
Me, 46 BS
H, 64 WH
2 boys 22 and 17 years old
Married 24 years
Posts: 461 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 36654
| Posted: 2:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
Do not give priority to someone that only considers you an option!!!! You are his wife and if he doesn't want a wife and family he should have filed for D before he decided to screw around. Who knows what kind of STD's this woman has and he may have passed on to you? Kick his ass to the curb until he is ready to decide what he wants. If he decides he wants her, you have not lost anything but a cheater and a liar and she gets the same thing.
I wished I had been given this advice after DDay#1. It would have avoided DDay#2 since he thought he had an option to take it underground for almost another year. His excuse was he had no consequences after DDay#1, so he thought it was OK to keep doing it and I wouldn't find out this time. Too bad his crazy slut had a big mouth and wanted him to D me. Don't fall for any of his promises or words. Actions are the truth now. Don't give him an option.
Me-53 XWH#2-54 NPD, alcoholic
M-11yrs T-12yrs LTA-5yrs D-8/11/15
11/28/14 "Assault with a deadly weapon" and is now with OW
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"
Posts: 6812 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 27650
| Posted: 2:48 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
What is a good time frame to wait?
For you, none. For the OW, she should at the least wait until you and he have filed for D and are separated.
This is not how a healthy or loving partner responds to a midlife crisis. Rather, this is how a selfish, immature person responds.
Why do you think it is that you love a man who would openly cheat on you, and lie to you saying that he loves you when he is acting in a very un-loving manner? As others have said, with a wayward spouse actions speak much louder than words. His word may say he loves you, but his actions tell you he does not. He loves himself, he loves the fantasy he has built up in his mind about the OW.
What if I wait & I lose?
Gently, you waited 20 years and you lost. Consider telling your WH that his time is up, and he should go to be with the love of his life.
Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 23549
| Posted: 3:03 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
I have filed for a separation.
Wow, phew, thank goodness for that, you had me worried there for a minute.
His request is so incredibly disrespectful, so insulting, to you his wife and the mother of his children.
You've already had plenty of d-days with your WS, this isn't his first time on the merry-go-round, and in fact with the very same OW.
IMHO, there's a lot of steps you can pass by here. My recommendation would be to pack his stuff when he's out of the house next, put it outside and tell him to leave.
She's playing the needy damsel in distress and he's playing the KISA (knight in shinning armour)and you can't reason with that kind of crazy.
Honey he'll be full of feel-good hormones, and he probably thinks he's pretty darn awesome... there he is, saving her from....? and she "needs" him...
How long do you wait?
Not one damn minute.
He's a married man, who seems to have forgotten what that means. Married men don't get to have girlfriends. He's not trying out cars to see which one he likes best.
This is your life, your love and your self respect, don't let him dictate your future.
I know you love him, but right now he isn't the man you think he is. He's stuck in fantasy land, he's delusional if he thinks any sane person is going to wait while their partner tries out having an affair with someone else.
You will never love him back to you, but taking charge and protecting yourself could well wake him up enough to realize what his current behavior risks - loosing his, wife, family and home. That's reality.
Give him a taste of what that means if he won't leave. No chat (important kid stuff or finances only) no cooking for him, no family outings, no laundry, no errands.... he sleeps in another room... Definitely No Sex.
Have a read of the healing library, top left hand corner of the page in the box. Read about the 180 and put it into practice now, today. It's purpose is to make you stronger honey, and better able to deal with this nightmare that you find yourself in.
You might not have had any say in his affair starting, but you sure can decide how it ends. He doesn't get to have a wife and a girlfriend.
Hugs honey, lots of hugs.
I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...
Posts: 1318 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 39996
| Posted: 3:08 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
Personally the red flag bells are uncontrollably ringing in my ears right now. What exactly do you want me to say? This is ok? I think not and not only he needs IC for his issues but so do you for letting him openly cheat and get away with it. We're you taught not to rock the boat like I was.....???? Wel I now know to rock it hard until it either tips over or the problem is solved.
Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
Member # 33559
| Posted: 3:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
You say you've filed for separation but does that mean you're actually separated? Is he out of the home or at least in a separate bedroom? You're not having sex with him, are you?
Sweetie, if he feels sorry for this woman he's not going to give her up until you make him. His fear of being thought of as "the bad guy" won't let him turn his back on what he perceives as a woman in need, particularly as she is one he has sworn to protect. Yeah, you're really the one he swore to protect but he's f*cked up enough to feel just as much loyalty to her right now.
Don't let him believe you'll wait. It's either dump her now or lose you. Too often that's the only kind of pressure that gets through to these "knight in shining armor" guys. If he chooses her and later regrets it then you can always decide whether to give him a third chance but my guess is some separation may enable you to see his character with greater clarity.
I'm so sorry this happening. You don't deserve this.
[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 3:23 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
Married 37 years
Posts: 647 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Member # 39357
| Posted: 3:45 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
Do not give priority to someone that only considers you an option!!!!
^ You should follow this advice. Do you really want to be somebody's doormat? That's how he's treating you when he tells you to wait for him. Wait for what? For him to get all of the sex with his mistress out of his system? Riiiiiiight. It's time to respect yourself more than you love him. What if he gets her pregnant? What if he decides to leave you for her? You need to put your foot down YESTERDAY. See a lawyer and get a child support order from a judge - that'll be wake-up call #1. Tell him you want him out of the house and that he is NOT to bring your children around this woman because:
She is D & has lost custody of her own kids.
A judge has obviously found her to be an unfit mother/threat to her own children and you should be sure to mention this to your lawyer while filing for child support. I would also tell him that he needs to get himself help as far as his drinking goes too or you will also use that against him in court as well. These two people are feeding off each others' dysfunction. Keep it far away from you and your children.
she is a PSYCHO
I hate to break it to you, but so is your husband (or significant other?) if he thinks he can juggle the mother of his child and some waste case at the same time.
Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 18814
| Posted: 3:56 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
You're his back-up plan.
I think that answers your question of how long you should wait...
Hugs your way.
Love is a choice.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
-October 3, 2007-
Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 13447
| Posted: 4:02 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013|
If you don't wait, what are you losing? A man who keeps cheating on you. A man who thinks you should have to share, who is willing to watch your heart break and still expect you to be loving to him. A man who is putting the OW's feelings above yours, the woman he vowed to love, honor and cherish. The mother of his children.
He's learned you value yourself so little that he can actually have the balls to ask you to wait. Show him you value yourself more than you do him.
And if the OW has nobody, that's because she made choices that brought her to that place. It's not like there's a massive conspiracy for everyone in the area to vow to abandon poor wittle OW.
Start with reading the Healing Library > BS FAQs #11 known at the 180. Start doing this, it will help you detach and gain perspective.
You are worth more than this. Please believe this.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 4:10 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11644 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
|Topic Posts: 30|