I am sorry that you are living through this nightmare. It will get better with or without your H. Take your time and decide what is best for you.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
I'm so sorry to hear that. There is a thread topic down in the I Can Relate section of the site for this situation called OC (other child) thread where you can get support from those who have been through this. The link is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431778
Also, if you have kids, you might want to think about suing your husband for child support BEFORE the other woman does. The largest chunk goes to whomever files first I believe.
Your husband is no doubt lying about this being a drunken one night stand. And he's also lying about her 'taking advantage of him' while he was drunk. He needs to own his shit and take responsibility for what he's done, instead of lying to you and blaming everyone ELSE for his bad deeds. First he claims that it's your fault for going on some trip, then he claims he was drunk and got 'taken advantage of' and both are a crock of crap.
Just because he's an alcoholic that doesn't (and shouldn't!) give him a free pass nor should it be used as an excuse for disgusting behavior.
RiseAgain, there are tons of betrayed wives here whose husbands had affairs and/or one night stands and all their husbands aren't alcoholics, so I really do want to stress to you that your husband needs to take responsibility for what he's done, plain and simple.
Now if the OW (and that's what I fear she was, not just a one night stand) gets herself a good lawyer and decides to go after your husband for child support, I'm sure that's her option and right. And if DNA testing proves he's the father, he's going to be on the hook for child support/maintenance for this child for the next 18-23 years, depending on what state you live in and whether he/she's a full time college student after he/she graduates high school.
So not only are you looking at the next 20 years of your life dealing with these two having a common bond and the child itself (possible visitation with your family, etc. etc.), but you're also going to be dealing with approximately 1/3 of his salary going towards child support.
You might want to seriously consider going to a lawyer to find out what you can realistically expect - best and worse case scenarios.
Sending you strength and I'm so sorry you've been dealt this hand.
Good thing is that you know about it from the beginning so you are in a position to make your views known. First off, there has to be a paternity test. My FWH and the OW have consistently refused and this is a great source of contention for me. OW and OWH may not have been having relations, but OW could Have been shagging anyone, not just your WH, so you need proof.
Sadly, if OW and OWH decide to go ahead with pregnancy, then that it up to them and I don' t think your H has any say in their decision. Legally, OC will be recorded as OWH's, so you WH could reuse to have anything to do with the OC. Does your WH want contact with OC? How do you feel about that? It kills me and I hate it. If IEH and Is decide to raise OC, let them, tell your FWH to choose between you and your children or the OC. If he keeps contact with OC, it will be unbearable.
If he is remorseful and wants to R, you can lay down the conditions. For me, that would be NC with OW and OC. I didn't have the choice as the relationship was established before I was told. You don' have to be in that position. If your FWH says he wants nothing to do with OW and Ov, that might influence their decision about continuing with the pregnancy. If he wants contact with OC, then insist it has to be through OWH with NC with OW. Then see, if he wants to continue contacts. Since I insisted that all contact with OC goes through WH, my FWH has not seen OC, which shows me that his real relationship was with the OW not the OC. If your FH really wants contact with OC, it has to be on your terms, or else NC with you and his real children.
Sorry to be tough, but don't be forced into something that will be difficult to handle for ever unless you can handle it. I can't. An A can be over and you can mend, but an c will go on for ever and ma turn up a anytime. It can never be in the past. It is almost impossible to deal with
1. Paternity test should be done immediately after the childs' birth. Who knows, it may not be your husbands child or HER husbands' child. There could be a third man involved....
2. Talk to a family lawyer immediately to get the facts on how your state handles these issues. She may choose to take the paternity test results and sue for child support. This can affect BOTH of you as a maried couple.
3. Keep logging in for support.
I would like to welcome you to the best place noone ever wants to have to come to.
You need to protect yourself, and your child. This means you need to get yourself to an attorney ASAP. File for CS. You aboslutely need to do this regardless if you decide to stay and work things out, or end up D'ing.
I would also demand paternity testing. Who knows what she is up to. It seems strange to me that everyone thinks this is your H's baby, and you are the last to know....something just doesn't sit right.
Along with this, you must be reeling. Make sure you are putting you first, that you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. If you are struggling with these things, then see your Dr. You should also get STD tested.
What is your H doing to heal himself, and help your M right now? He needs to really deal with his alcoholism since he conviently blames this "accident" on it.
You don't have to make any decisions on staying or D'ing right now either. Give it some time to get some perspective. Figure out what you need to R.
My husband's drinking has gotten progressively worse within the past 4 years, so I do believe he was drunk, but he had an established relationship with her. She openly talked to me about that, and stated that her and her husband were not romantically involved for the couple of months that they were. I don't know what to believe, and I don't believe that I could even have the other child involved in my life but I feel like my son has a right to know that he has a sibling.
ETA: I just started anxiety medication, but I am having trouble with basic daily activities since all this. I don't know how to feel about any of this, I just feel like a mess.
[This message edited by RiseAgain88 at 4:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
I don't believe that I could even have the other child involved in my life but I feel like my son has a right to know that he has a sibling.
How old is your son? If you decide you want R with your H, I think the best thing you can do for your son is to do whatever needs to be done to heal your marriage and yourself. Having an emotionally healthy mom and parents with a healthy marriage is going to be much more important for your son than maybe having a relationship with a potential half-sibling.
Just FYI, in my state, a woman's husband is assumed to be the father of any children born during the marriage. However, when filling out the form to request a birth certificate, she can indicate that her husband is not the father of her child and choose not to list him as the child's father. This does not mean she can choose to list your husband, however - your H would have to sign a notarized Recognition of Parentage form in order to be listed on the child's birth certificate. These rules might vary from state to state.
Also, I urge you to give serious consideration to the other members encouraging you to file for child support now even if you ultimately decide to R. In my state, a non-custodial spouse's CS obligations are capped at a certain percentage of income. The first custodial parent to file will get the lion's share of that percentage, and any subsequent CS awards to different custodial parents of other children usually get a lesser amount because the award to the first custodial parent is not decreased. I personally know a woman who gets almost nothing in child support from her XWH because his former APs filed for CS before she decided to D.
I am so, so sorry this is happening. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating and drinking, and try to sleep. Ask friends or family for help if you need it. ((((hugs))))
ETA: I think that if you decide to consider R, it should absolutely be a requirement that your H start dealing with his drinking problem.
[This message edited by MylarPineapples at 5:10 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
If the child ends up not being your husband's, you can always close out the court action.