"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Averyhurtgirl posted 9/3/2013 01:34 AM

I thought I was getting over things but I noticed that I became angry and depressed again.

He continues to play games and want me back however, I know his games now. He is saying that there must be another reason why I do not want to make it work and he cannot understand why I do not want to work on trusting him etc. He is trying to put the blame on me saying I don't want to make it work etc.

He is not accepting that I don't want to be married to him based on what he did etc.

Averyhurtgirl posted 9/3/2013 01:35 AM

I am wondering if I am ever going to start feeling better and happy like I used to.

I really put a lot of effort in helping myself get better but I still feel like life is not necessarily getting better.

fallingquickly posted 9/3/2013 02:09 AM

Remember that it's a roller coaster. Don't get too down on yourself. You have to ride the roller coaster, dips and all. Eventually things start to even out. Although I'm still in the process of divorce I am doing much better. I'm so much better that many people, including friends' children, have commented on it. You have to give it that hated word, "time."

He is trying to make it your fault to make himself feel better. My WH did a bit of that, although not as much as I've seen from others. The Waywards who "get it" don't do that. Only you know what is your deal breaker and what got you to this point. You've told him what it was. It really doesn't matter if he believes you. You know the truth.

SBB posted 9/3/2013 06:31 AM

^^Spot on. The rollercoaster is a cruel beast in the beginning. It won't always feel this way. I still have dips but they happen much much further apart and don't last anywhere near as long as they used to.

It really doesn't matter if he believes you. You know the truth.

^^THIS too. In spades. It is a difficult habit to break - I understand the indignation and the associated anger/pain.

Going by your registration date you are very early into this. I know you want him to accept it but please remember you don't need him to accept it.

A few months after S when I wasn't so good at NC I wrote to the sad clown "What you think of me matters less to me than you might imagine". I realised it was true at that moment. Soon it will be true for you too.

Strict NC will help you with this - the more contact you have the more he is able to suck you into the crazy vortex. Strict NC helped me detach. I won't lie - it was hard at first. Agonising really. It felt so unnatural.

I wanted to physically shake him so strong was the urge to make him understand. As I detached this primal need dampened and it has now disappeared. He still blames me for the demise of the M. He still believes the rewritten marital history he concocted. One day I had an 'aha' moment - I realised he NEEDS to believe the rewritten version in order to live with himself. I'm now content with him soothing himself with his false construct - I have no want nor need to tip him over that edge anymore.

((Averyhurtgirl)) It does get easier but you do need to work at it - NC is key.

When I was where you are now someone here kindly said to me "lean into the pain". Those four little words have helped me more than I ever expected. I hope they help you now.

Nature_Girl posted 9/3/2013 12:37 PM

It's very common. My STBX, like the others here, blames me for everything, including the divorce. He's even called my faith into question, since obviously if I was a good Christian I would forgive & forget. After all, God did.

You just have to know the truth in your heart & walk with your head high.