I know being honest is required, but just how honest do I have to be about our sex life?
For his tall and broad body (now overweight by about 65 lbs), he has a very undersize penis. When flaccid, it looks like a button resting in a nest of pubic hair. I didn't marry him for his penis size.
I have compassion for something he cannot help because he was born that way--his penis size and how it (doesn't) work--except it worked for his affair & he primed it with medication to be sure it worked for the 10 - 20 seconds it takes him to get off.
I know I will be tempted to vent my anger on his penis and about my unsatisfactory sex life with him because of the betrayal and my frustration. It would take an effort for me to not disparage and belittle him and his small, relatively non-working penis, but it's also something the MC should know, right?
Sex with him prior to the decades of celibacy (where I finally gave up because of so much frustration and him blaming me, denying he had a problem, etc) was less than satisfactory. I would be very glad to NOT ever have sex with anyone but myself for the rest of my days, and really, I do not want to have sex with him, even though we shared a "reconnect" after I found out (a very frustrating-as-usual for me "reconnect")
How can I be honest in MC and not address this issue?
More detailed info is in my post on the Just Found Out thread. Tonight, he made some comment about a commercial we saw on TV, saying did I want one for my birthday or Xmas. His own birthday is coming up mid month.
I said he had his little "affair" since last July, and during my birthday, Christmas, our Anniversary, and Valentine's Day, he was lying to me and betraying me, and didn't that bother him? I said I wasn't feeling much like doing anything to honor any special birthdays or anything coming up. (This was also my way of telling him not to expect any birthday gifts from me this month.)
He says yeah, it bothered him. Then I said "Didn't it bother you enough to stop?" and he turns it on me and says anything he says is unsatisfactory and I'll twist his answer, so why should he bother.
I then ask, okay, Why did you continue the behavior?
He says he hasn't thought about why so far & he doesn't know. I mention that he's had since Feb to think about it (that's when I found out).
He's not exactly giving me any extra attention or being super nice to me, to try and make things better or show me that he's contrite. He's just Happy Hank, going his happy way. He knows I'm a strong woman, and maybe he thinks I don't need this, but I do and I tell him so. He's a simple guy to the point of ignoring the obvious, so I often have to use my words and clearly communicate with him...and he's soooo happy go lucky, nothing is ever bad or really wrong. A simpleton is more like it.
I realize this post may sound like a vent, in which case this would be the wrong forum and I apologize, so if someone could please send me a private msg, I'll edit this post and go over to post on the other forum.
Me: early 60s
Him: early 60s
Married since 1980
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
(His affair-since July 2012--says it was only 8 times, that being about once a month until I found out)
[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:00 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
Caution - once the words are said they can never be unheard.
If you want R you may be able to phrase your dissatisfaction in a constructive way. Maybe focus on what you like and need to satisfy you whether they be acts of service, touch etc. It really is about your needs.
He's not exactly giving me any extra attention or being super nice to me, to try and make things better or show me that he's contrite.
Is this ^^ the crux of the issue that you should address in MC? What should he be doing?
A somewhat crass saying but 'its not the wand its the wizard behind it'. It sounds like he could be doing more to help you feel safe, appreciated and satisfied.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
"I feel like I wasn't worth the effort to try and have sexual intercourse with me."
"I feel hurt that more effort wasn't made to make intercourse with me possible."
"I feel hurt that no effort was made to learn other ways to enjoy a sexual relationship that did not include intercourse."
These are just examples of course...my therapist says the one hard and fast rule about *i* statements is that they can NEVER ever ever ever contain the word YOU.
You can't say, "I feel hurt that YO U didn't make the effort to....
Just a suggestion.
You have every right to voice your dissatisfaction. I get the impression that when HE wants to get it up,when HE wants to have sex..he can. But with you he has put you through "decades of celibacy" and before that,he was a minute-man who never bothered with making sure you had an orgasm. But for his AP,he was willing to take meds to insure he would be able to get it up and keep it up long enough to impress the OW. Now that the A is over,he's back to not taking any meds or putting any effort into pleasing you sexually. Correct?
Hell yes I'd bring *that* up.
As for the size of penis..again,I have the impression that once erect,has the potential to be pleasurable..(omg..the things we say on here..Thank goodness it's anonymous... )..though maybe not overly large. He can't help that..and penis size really makes no difference...a man with a 10 inch penis can be a bore in bed,while a man with a 4 inch penis can make a woman see stars. So,really his penis size isn't the problem. It's that he has sexually neglected you for years..but made an effort for/with OW. Im so sorry. That has to be so painful.
I say be honest..but not cruel. There are a few things I would like to say to my WH,but haven't. Because I know it would be mean...truthful..but mean. And while he may deserve it(some days), *I* don't want to live with the knowledge that I said those words out loud..because once said,they can't be taken back.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
All I can tell you is that based on what I have gathered over the years, is that a woman should never, ever insult a man about penis size, just as a man should never, ever insult a woman about her body size or beauty. I think those subjects are equally hurtful, painful, and extremely destructive to both genders. Once spoken, I really dont think the pain could ever be undone.
I think you have so many multiple layers of issues and dysfunction in your marriage, that honestly I don't think penis size should be at the top of the list of issues to discuss, and as Confused said,
penis size really makes no difference...a man with a 10 inch penis can be a bore in bed,while a man with a 4 inch penis can make a woman see stars.
I believe your H's unwillingness to attempt to please you sexually in other ways, and his attitude of 'blaming' you for the problems in your sex life need to be addressed before ever even venturing into the 'size' issue, because, quite frankly, there is nothing that he could do about that issue anyway, other than to lose the extra 65 lbs you say he is carrying which would add an inch or two to his penis. (I heard Dr Oz say that for every 30 lbs a man loses, he gains back an inch of length).
[This message edited by TxsT at 11:37 AM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
As others stated, sizes vary...but that is no excuse not to feel the intimacy, connection and appreciation. That is an entirely different problem.
I don't want that.
I know it seems that I'm closed to the possibility, and I am. Too many years of frustration and anger about it. His fondling and me using a vibrator, and a hand job for him are things I'd be willing to do, and have done recently (that was a surprise--I guess a good night's sleep can do that for me because it's been about 5 or 6 or so months since we tried reconnecting after I found out).
I want him to use his words more often to express how sorry he is. I want him to be more thoughtful around the house and pay attention to the details that make life better--pick up your mess, wipe up that stain from food you dropped on the floor etc.
Even when he was at a normal weight, he still had a 4 inch penis, so losing weight isn't gonna make him bigger, longer, harder, thicker, and for me, penis size is a factor--and as I said before in a post, I didn't marry him for his penis.
Thank you, scaredyKat, for the reminder of "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
I think my wife looks absofuckinglutely beautiful and sexy, mind, and really the part that bothered me isn't how she looks but how she paid attention to what she looked like for someone else; that she spent all that time and energy for him, but not me. Caveat: I understand why and it does not bother me (well, it does a little but in that irrational FEELINGS way that makes me think I must be part woman because like Snotlout said in that new How To Train Your Dragon cartoon "Heartbreak? Don't be stupid, I'm a boy I don't have a heart"), I use this past experience in the present for illustrative purpose.
So he has a small dick and it bothers you, but is the root of it that he went to the effort during his A for someone else, where you had accepted shortcomings? I really didn't set that up for puns, they just came. Fuck. Sorry.
Be honest, absolutely, but be open to the possibility your focus is a part of a larger whole.
Think of the MC as a marriage doctor. If you had a gunshot wound, you wouldn't cover it up and go see the doctor for a cure and not let them know. You don't need to tell the MC the first time you visit in case they give you the creeps, but if you can confide in them, then do. If it is an issue in the marriage, it is an issue worth resolving. That is the whole purpose of MC to try to find the root cause of the problems so you can repair what is broken.
Good luck. I'll admit the topic is not any fun on my side of the conversation, but it simply cannot be ignored. I wish you the best.
[This message edited by joeboo at 10:30 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]
But the size part - well, sounds like it's only one part of the dissatisfaction with your sex life. If he were a great husband, the small penis wouldn't be an issue. If he were an otherwise great husband, selfishness as a lover still would be an issue. So try to separate out what parts are at the heart of the problem and which ones just exacerbate the real problems.
My FWH has his own set of insecurities and I wish I could take back two things I said to him in anger and frustration after his A. They weren't the issue I had with him and in a loving marriage they wouldn't have even been something I consciously noticed. There was nothing that could be "fixed" about them. It was just insult to injury that these things existed during the affair. So maybe the size thing is similar?
The good thing about IC is that you can focus on you, and if you want to tell your IC about the size issue and your anger surrounding the amount of sexual sacrifices you've made and his subsequent affair behavior, you can do that and a good IC will listen and ask you about it and help you find some peace with it. Whereas a MC is about the relationship and will look at this information from a relationship perspective. You deserve to have a place to vent everything you think and feel, and I think having an IC who can focus on your needs and feelings would be really helpful.
[This message edited by circe at 5:45 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]
"You're fat, I don't want to fuck you" to a woman is like beating her vagina with a furious raccoon covered in glue and iron filings, no matter how tactfully worded or even truthfully spoken.