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Really mean daughter

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dlock posted 9/3/2013 06:24 AM

I had my only child at 21 years old. I was married to a monster and left him at 6 months pregnant, for good. I raised this child totally alone, no child support, visits, etc. - alone. She is now 34 years old and preparing for the birth of her second child. Since the day she got married she has treated me horribly. Examples: hasn't been to my house in 1-1/2 years and minimally before that, I live 20 minutes away. Wouldn't let me come over Christmas morning to see my granddaughter's gifts, had to come Christmas Eve but had Christmas dinner at her house with her in-laws. Spends tons of time with her in-laws (million $ house on the bay). My granddaughter gets on the school bus for the first time today and wouldn't let me come over. Said it would be too crazy. It goes one from there. She makes dinner dates with me and cancels at the last minute or just says she's too busy. I haven't seen her husband since June for 5 minutes. They will just have nothing to do with us and if I try to talk to her about it, I get "I don't appreciate you trying to put a guilt trip on me." I don't, I just want to know why she doesn't want to spend any time with me. I don't get it and it really hurts. But this has been going on for years now and I'm afraid when the second baby comes it will get worse. The last time she had any time for me was when her husband caught her in an EA with the husband of a friend of theirs. After that settled, she "left" me again. I don't know what to do. She thinks she's doing nothing wrong but wow does this hurt.

Pentup posted 9/3/2013 11:12 AM

((Dlock)). I am sure this makes you feel bad. Though it does not sound like she is being mean as maybe busy with her life and some good boundaries??

Not sure how to help. Maybe send her a note just saying, love you, want to be there for you, setting up a weekly or bi-weekly visit with her or your grandchild. With a new baby coming, maybe offering to babysit one night a week so they can have a date night or bringing dinner one night a week so she does not have to cook? Also, if she is on Facebook, sharing pics of those special moments.

I know my grandparents were not there when I started school, nor were my parents for their grandchildren or my siblings now for their grandchildren. Maybe that is the norm now, but it seems a little excessive to me.

Hugs to you. You sound very loving. Maybe being busy with your own things would make her miss you a little? Hope other grandparents respond for you.

redrock posted 9/3/2013 13:31 PM


From your post I get the impression that she identifies with the rich in-laws and wants to please/fit in with them.

I don't think that you are going to get anywhere with her attitude by trying to be open and honest. Doesn't sound like she values your relationship... yet.

I hope that she learns to appreciate all of your efforts and love as she brings up her own children. I don't think I understood how much my mom did until I had the 'mom' perspective. And I spent a lot of time expressing belated thanks for the childhood she provided for myself and my siblings.

And if that doesn't come to fruition, she is probably going to want/need more of a hand from you once the number of her kids doubles. I hope that more grandkid time is coming your way.

I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that she dismisses your efforts to participate in her life and that of her family as 'craziness'.

Keep your door open... At this point she will twist any confrontation into victimhood.

dlock posted 9/3/2013 13:59 PM

At this point she will twist any confrontation into victimhood.

Exactly! Thanks. Doesn't matter how I approach, she doesn't appreciate me making her feel "guilty." To me, the guilt is self-inflicted. I know her well enough to not come at her that way, but sadly, nothing is working. Maybe one day...

lynnm1947 posted 9/3/2013 14:15 PM

I'd be sad, too, if my daughter or son treated me this way. Not much you can do except let her know you're there for her. Sucks, though. Hugs.

Jennifer99 posted 9/3/2013 15:09 PM

I have a cousin who is like this with her mother. I told my Aunt forget her, hang with us! Come to DS's play, yada yada, yada. We all knew it wasn't the same for her but we loved having her around.

Now her grandbaby had some health problems and her daughter is much more willing to have her around, even asks her to visit, etc.

We don't see her as much but let her know we always miss her and are happy for her but there if she needs us.

What about finding someone to put all your good energy to? After yourself - some kids? It won't be your grandbaby(ies) but all kids are wonderful.

Hugs to you. Maybe someday she'll get wise (I myself took a long time but fixed it well before motherhood LOL).

heartache101 posted 9/3/2013 15:31 PM

I have a friend and her daughter just up and moved out of state doesn't let her see the grandkids are anything. The state she lives in has no visitation laws for grandparents.

IDK what is wrong with people anymore...
Shower her with love and gifts is all I can think of.
Buy her an all inclusive spa package for 2! That way she can take her spouse or a friend. Tell her you are able to babysit anytime etc. etc...

Send her flowers on special dates or send thinkin of you cards etc...

I don't know nor understand how a child can treat their momma that way. I was up my moms arse all the time. She passed way to young...Makes me sad..

gma56 posted 9/3/2013 16:02 PM

My DD40 and my relationship has changed completely since dday. She also became engaged the same day.

I took care of GS (she never married his sperm donor)5 days a week so she could work without daycare expenses. I did this from birth-8yrs old.Loved it, her and I were very close.

She married 4 yrs ago and is very happy. I lived 5 min from her and only saw them on a few holidays and birthdays. I now live 45 min away and see them randomly a few times a year and never on holidays. I usually spend them alone now.

Like you, I get a phone call once every other week and see pictures on FB. She is my only child I gave birth to and had her in my teens. I raised her on my own for many years.

All I can think of what caused the change is I don't fit in her new life. We are very different but always were close. I've struggled the last 5 yrs and haven't shared much with her because she judges my decisions harshly.
Now I do my own thing and catch up when she calls. I FB and text with my GS13.
I may not be part of her life but I am thankful she has a wonderful, secure, loving marriage. For me that has to be enough.
Hugs, I do know how you are feeling.

ETA: She also is living the country club lifestyle and will never have any financial issues. I lost most of my security in the D. I'm trying to build a retirement acct and survive. Her assets value in the millions and they owe no money. I don't fit.

[This message edited by gma56 at 4:10 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

still2suspicious posted 9/3/2013 17:46 PM


My heart breaks for you.

We have 2 of our kids who have tossed us aside!!

Both due to their spouses! I take no responsibility for them, as adults. They have abandoned all our values and teachings. One is married to Princess, the other to Dick! Not sure about the first one, but definitely money involved with #2. We have 2 DGB each, and sadly, they will never know us.

Everyone tells me they will be sorry some day. I can only hope. #2 has already had anxiety attacks (for which I was called) but was again thrown away once it was going better. I told #2 I believe a big part of it is due to the treatment of us. #2 agrees, but still doesn't change anything.

Since we know #1 would throw anything we buy out, we have started secret (to the parents) savings accts for all DGB's. That way, when they are adults, they will know that, indeed, we were here all along.

Sorry, didn't mean to t/j

Sad how money really does change people.

Sending hugs, ((dlock))

IRN2006 posted 9/3/2013 18:14 PM

Just from another perspective.

When I had babies, I made a rule that we would be at home Christmas morning, as a nuclear family. I wanted to have a few of my own family traditions before my kids grew up and left the house.

Otherwise, I would have had to wait until both my MIL and my mom pass away before I could start my own. By that time, there's a good chance I could be a great grandma. I'd miss my opportunity for having any traditions.

I'm sure it looks mean from the outside. But, as the primary income getter in my house (I work 60 hours a week), there are some times where nuclear family time won't be compromised.

I know this doesn't address everything....

purplejacket4 posted 9/3/2013 18:47 PM

Does your daughter have any "hang-up" about you that causes her to be resentful? I certainly did about my mom until I got some seriously needed therapy.

jrc1963 posted 9/3/2013 19:07 PM

dlock... I'm sorry your DD is breaking your heart.

But I think it's rather odd that you would expect to be present on the day your DGD gets on the school bus for the first time. That's a time for parent and child. If my mother had wanted to be present the first time my DS got on the bus I'd have seen it as a violation of boundaries.

I haven't spoken to my mother or anyone on that side of the family for years now and it has nothing to do with my SO or Money. It has everything to do with her and her toxicity.

I'm not saying you are toxic but is it possible that she perceives something between you and her that you are not aware of?

StrongerOne posted 9/3/2013 20:15 PM

Maybe her BH is controlling or abusive.

InnerLight posted 9/3/2013 23:14 PM

Your daughter maybe inherited some lack of empathy ability from her dad, like my sister did. When she got married she rejected our mother ,me and my sister as if any closeness was a threat to her marriage. She had no real reason to as we never caused problems. My sister is a huge bitch now. I've lost touch and so has my little sis. My mother will bend over backwards and take extreme rudeness to stay in touch. Ive concluded that my sister inherited the asshole gene and amplified it. It's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry this happened to you after all you sacrificed to raise her.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 11:16 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

dlock posted 9/4/2013 06:29 AM

actually the desire to be at the bus stop was tradition for me, something my daughter was well aware of. from my mother down, the grandmother was there too since it's such a big day, for me the whole neighborhood walked me to the bus.

if there is anything toxic between us, I don't know what it is and have asked many times, to which I get a nasty response.

She has nothing to do with any part of my family since she has married, we come second to her in-laws, if at all.

She never knew her father so if she did inherit anything, I don't know but even though he was a total jerk, he was very close to his family.

When this grandchild was first born, I drove every week leaving my house at 4:30 a.m. to watch her so my daughter could work and not worry. The ride was 1-1/2 hour one way.

I will never understand how, for whatever reason, an only child can treat her mother, who raised her completely alone, like this. I would think now that she has children she would understand how difficult it must've been for me having no support system at all where she has a very large one. I do offer to babysit all the time and get to about every 2-3 months for a day. Her other grandmother will keep her for a week several times a year.

My daughter's one excuse for not coming over is my dogs. I have 3 mastiffs but they don't bother anyone, don't jump, don't bark, are very well behaved. She just doesn't like dogs.

Thanks everybody, it all helps. And to those of you with the same problem, I believe our hearts are in the right place and I guess that's all we can do.

Ashland13 posted 9/7/2013 16:17 PM

I watch this with my mother and sister. It's kind of like a dance and it's gone on since we were kids. My sister walks all over my mother and she wants so much to be accepted by my sister that she takes it. Now, in her nearly old age, she is taking care of my sister in monetary ways, while my sister still treats her cruelly, though is willing to spend time with her-when it's meals, watching her animals, laundry day...

For a little over a year I've been working with a counselor and we talk about family things and she said that my sister sounds narcissistic-I felt some of that when I read dlock's message, esp. with the family members on the other side of the family.

Also, our daughter takes me for granted and it sounds like your daughter may do the same, dlock. I am the less exciting, always there parent and she is quite ready to toss me aside when someone glittery comes along, yet it's me who is the staying strength and caregiver in her life.

I'm very sorry for the hurt that's being caused for you and I feel it too from my own mother, who I have always wished to feel accepted from...she has this way of making me feel like I can't do anything right, but with the help of counseling, I've learned that part of it is my mother's issues and inability to carry on true relationships with people.

I find that this hurt pushes me away almost like a reflex and then I get whining from my mother, who lashes out at times in her frustration, or almost begging from my daughter, when she's gone too simply makes more stress for me and a circular pattern that I can't seem to stop.

I find the harder I try with either of them, the more I get bitten by the hurt. So I let them each come to me.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/7/2013 22:12 PM

I have 3 mastiffs

I wouldn't visit anyone with 3 mastiffs, especially with babies. Of course, that does not explain her not wanting you to visit.

painpaingoaway posted 9/8/2013 14:55 PM

Maybe her BH is controlling or abusive.
That's the first thing that came into my mind. It's possible that her H is pulling the strings here, and trying to isolate her from you.

Had a similar situation in our family in which my first cousin severed all contact with my aunt and everyone else in her FOO after she got married. She married a wealthy psychiatrist. My aunt is a doll, and none of us were ever able to understand why my cuz did this, but our suspicions have always been that her H was behind it all.

dlock posted 9/9/2013 07:39 AM

unexpected, sorry you wouldn't visit someone with three mastiffs, that's certainly your decision to make. I wouldn't allow a baby too close to any dog but I also wouldn't allow an adult around my dogs if they posed a problem, which they don't. To each their own. It's really a non-issue, just an excuse for my daughter. She's been around them all her life.

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