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Taking Back a Sexual Trigger - WS perspectives needed, too

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changedforlife posted 9/3/2013 09:06 AM

In the aftermath of Dday, I asked a couple of questions if they did specific sexual things. Perhaps I shouldn't have but I would probably still be wondering anyway.

So, I am thinking about trying to take back one of the things for us again. I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this and what your emotional experience with it was? Did you tell your WS beforehand what your plan was? I was thinking of telling my WH but I'm worried that it might put thoughts of the A in his head. Is there a WS who can help me with their perspective? Should I tell my WH beforehand?

If anyone doesn't want to post their experience here, you can PM me.

OnAnIsland posted 9/3/2013 09:21 AM

I have been doing this too. There is one particular act/trigger for me. I did not tell my WH that I was doing this. But I made the environment safe for me. In my case- light to ensure that he has his eyes on me.

After the first time performing this act, I did tell him that I was aware and purposive in taking it back. He was not surprised that it was on my mind, but it didn't seem to trigger him to thoughts of the A.

I wanted to tell him beforehand, but thought this might give me more discomfort, and I couldn't stop if it was too loaded (so to speak). When the taking back agenda was only in my mind, it was less pressure.

That is my experience anyway. This is tough stuff, so don't pressure yourself.

tushnurse posted 9/3/2013 09:26 AM

Yes I asked a few specific questions. It created some mind movies that I could have done without. So I chose to "reclaim" them. I did not tell WS that was what I was doing.

The one thing that really bothered me was BJ's. It was something that he really enjoyed, and I felt like I was pretty good at. So the first BJ he got from me post DDay, was a doosy. I was rewarded with a few wonderful statements from him, to let me know that she in no way could ever match my skills. So that was helpful.

HB was pretty awesome for us, and has helped me to become much less inhibited, and because of that, I knew in R that he was not comparing or thinking of her, because I was so dang amazing. LOL But really, I was....

Kelany posted 9/3/2013 11:04 AM

Sorry in advance, there is some TMI in my response.

For me it was BJ's.

I didn't give them for about a year after our first DDay. When I did, I did tell him I wanted to and I did it in a fun way. I blindfolded him, used food, whipped cream, etc. Something his AP's NEVER did, so I still made it *MINE*.

Then, DDay2 hit and I found out AP2 (LTA) gave him a LOT of BJ's and SWALLOWED. I stopped again for awhile. This was something only *I* had ever done for him. It crushed me, especially as I had like just recently started giving him BJ's again.

Then I decided, fuck that bitch, I'm not letting her have something that's mine. I told him once I was ready that I wanted him to finish in my mouth. He was surprised...and excited. I know he was absolutely NOT thinking about her. *I* was the first few times, but I had to mentally just push that aside. I know for a fact that I give a better BJ than she did (He's told me details when I asked). She was never able to get him there by BJ alone (he had to help) but I can. So it's still mine. I also took it further to make it more mine in that (TMI, sorry) I suck his balls a lot now too. (he shaves them) and he LOVES that. I know none of his AP's did that.

SO I was able to take all that back, change it up and make it mine again.

velvethammer posted 9/3/2013 11:08 AM

What is HB?

wifehad5 posted 9/3/2013 11:17 AM

What is HB?

Hysterical Bonding, when the BS feels the need to "bond" with their WS through sex.

letitout posted 9/3/2013 13:58 PM

I can't take back any sexual triggers because according to my WH the prostitutes did everything and wouldn't tell me what. But that said I find this thread helpful in that I can possibly find something that is just mine. I like the idea of using food with BJ's. I don't think they did that.

Kelany posted 9/3/2013 14:10 PM

I fed him blind folded too. I'd put a strawberry in my lips then kiss him to give it to him, things like that.

We came up with new positions we had never tried before, and I know he didn't with them.

I bought new sexy stuff to wear.

They never tied him up, and also gave me the ability to feel in control.

They were never romantic, so we use candles.

We look in each other's eyes, no sex where we face away from each other. It keeps us connected.

Sensual massages.

He used whipped cream and caramel on me too.

Showering together. Washing each other.

Sometimes simply just making out.

AML04 posted 9/3/2013 14:14 PM

Ugh, this is hard for me. I couldn't take it back because it was never mine. OW performed oral sex on H while he was driving and for the first time ever, he was able to orgasm...and she swallowed.

About 2 mos after dday I told him I wanted to try now that he felt more comfortable telling me what felt good and directing me more.

Unfortunately it didn't happen. The 1st time he neglected to tell me he had MB'd that day so I was able to blame it on that in my head. The 2nd time he apologized and said he must be over thinking it. Of course in my head I know I can never recreate the excitement and danger of their "encounters" and he says he doesn't remember exactly what she did.

So my experience in claiming a trigger was a dismal failure.

TxsT posted 9/3/2013 14:18 PM

Out of everything my husband has told me about his A he says he will never tell me specifically about the sex. I have to,d him I was worried I didn't stack up that I couldn't compete with A sex. His response to me was....I will never compare the two of you in that way. For me it wasn't about not good is about not any at all. He has also told me that several times he had wished it was me and not her. I have come to realize that intimacy is my husbands way of conveying his feelings. When we had none at all he felt I didn't love or need him any more. He is relieved we have gotten our intimacy back and we both now agree that it was its lack that caused the A.

I really, at this point don't care what there sex was wonderful could it be in the back seat of her truck???????? All I care about now is that WE Have intimacy back and WE own it again 100%. She is never felt in our bedroom anymore.....she never had the right to be there anyway!


changedforlife posted 9/4/2013 07:46 AM

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate all the advice.

OnAnIsland - I think you are right. Telling WH beforehand would probably make me more uncomfortable wondering if he was thinking about the A because I had mentioned it. We can discuss it later.

SamanthaBaker - Your idea of making it mine is a good one. Unfortunately (or not, I guess) I do not know many details and I am afraid to do something that they did and trigger WH to think of her. I have a feeling they did most of the things on your list.
So I think I will just keep it to the basics for now and add little things in over time. Sadly, it is the romantic and intimate things that trigger me more than the actual sex.

tushnurse - I LOVE your confidence! And you know what? I am friggin' AWESOME, too!

TxsT - I am so happy that you and your H have regained intimacy. One day, WH and I will have our intimacy back better than ever.

((letitout and AML04))

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 09:16 AM

I asked my husband if he ever thinks of them when we do something that they did (i.e. I never swallowed much, ok I only did in the early parts of our relationship, but I know his LTA did ALL.THE.TIME.)

He does not think of any of his AP's when he is with me. His focus is on ME and only me. Even when I'm doing something that he did with them. When I swallow, he knows I'm doing it for him because I'm wanting to please him. I again, make it mine by being sensual about it, I look at him often, we make a lot of eye contact, and I make sure he's in the moment with me.

There was a thread a few months back in the Wayward forum and I remember WS saying they think of their SPOUSE during sex, not their affair partner. And the waywards here are very honest and blunt. I tend to believe them.

I posted in a thread in recon yesterday about feeling special during sex. I asked for details because my imagination was far worse. They did not have passion. Ever. It was actually quite monotonous and he had no respect for them. He kept going back because they were EASY not because they were special.

It clicked for me one day when I was sobbing saying to him, but she would take you any time you whipped it out, you've never done that to me!

He said, because I didn't respect her, I used her like I would a prostitute. I respect you, I'd never treat you like that.

Of course I won't get into the whole disrespect of the affairs in the first place, but still. It made sense, he did it because he knew she'd do his bidding when ever he wanted and when he was done with her, he pushed her away until the next time he wanted to get off.

So know...your husband doesn't think of her, he's thinking of you. Please know that.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/4/2013 09:35 AM


we have gotten our intimacy back and we both now agree that it was its lack that caused the A.
*in a small voice* No, it didn't. That is an excuse, a justification. end t/j

changedforlife, I am sorry I don't have any advice for you on taking back specific sexual acts. I didn't ask and don't want to know the specifics of the sexual acts because I felt I would have a harder time knowing than not knowing. I know some have an easier time knowing all the details.

What does work for me, though, with sex in general, is what Sam touched on. I am not letting any skanky bitch take and ruin what is rightfully mine. I won't let the bitch ruin my sex life. And, it hasn't. We have a fantastic sex life now.

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 10:03 AM

I didn't even see that, thanks Sister!


Lack of intimacy did NOT cause the affair! Holy Moly! Please do not think that for one more minute!

Yes, we suffered lack of intimacy too. Especially emotional intimacy. But I didn't run out and have an affair as a "solution". That is horrible thinking. If you blame yourself in any way for that, then your husband is not getting it yet at all. He needs to do a lot more digging.

bionicgal posted 9/4/2013 10:26 AM

I understand what TxT is saying, I think. We can accept partial (up to 50%) responsibility for the part of the marriage that was broken without taking responsibility for the affair.

tushnurse posted 9/4/2013 10:42 AM

Changed - That is it exactly. I want you to see that you too are awesome, wonderful, and in charge of your destiny.
At Some point you come to the realization, and it think it's different for everyone, where you stop and say whatever they did, they didn't have what we have, and they never will. Because when it's all said and done, it's us. It's that deep level of intimacy, and feelings of true love that endures everything that got us to this point.
That is the real game changer. That is when you know you will survive it, and be stronger for it, and if you are R'ing that point in which you realize you will make it. For you both choose to be there, and bear your selves, mind, body, and soul to one another.

((((and strength))))

1ost0ne posted 9/4/2013 10:57 AM

Ladies, thanks for being very blunt and honest. I'm having a hard time with the mind movies. My WW seems to have screwed this guy in a myriad of ways and places except our bedroom "because that would have been out of bounds"??? Thank goodness I don't live in that house anymore.

These suggestions are great and when I get past the shock of the last TT, I'll have to see if I can reclaim some of these movies to be my own.

ShatteredPagan posted 9/4/2013 10:58 AM

Mine was fWS ability to cum twice in one day. After DDay, he suffered from the ability to complete the act. He swore it was a problem before the A but nothing I had noticed. After DDay i got some details of their act but not near enough. (Not to mention he told me those details to hurt me at the time.) The biggest one was how they performed to completion twice that Saturday afternoon. It hurt to the core for months that it was something that I didnt see as being able to win back. How do i get it twice when its a challenge to get once?

With that said, i did talk with him about. we attempted several times to win it without much luck. On my 3rd attempt, it worked. Not fireworks, but it definately counted. Its now mine once more.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/4/2013 11:07 AM

t/j 1ost0ne, this thread over in Reconciliation might be helpful to you, too.

It is called "What I tell myself when we have sex". end t/j

1ost0ne posted 9/4/2013 16:50 PM

Well, after all of this discussion, I went home and took back a trigger. That OM doesn't get to be the only one that has my WW on her knees. It wasn't as enjoyable as in the past, but it's mine now and will only get better.

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