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Guilt vs. Remorse - A-ha moment!!

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SheHatesMe posted 9/3/2013 09:17 AM

Sunday was a great breakthrough for me. Saturday evening I read an article about the difference between guilt and remorse.

I didnít realize that guilt was so self focused. I read this, applied how I felt I was doing to each line statement showing the differences and sent my responses to my BGF. She said she appreciated me taking the time to do this without prompting but then proceeded to sit down and explain why she felt the complete opposite for just about each way I answered. This was the beginning a huge wake up call. I didnít realize how much guilt was self focused. Here I thought I was being remorse for how sorry I was for my affairs. Turns out, I was sorry but for the wrong reasons. I was continuing to be selfish. This was also evident rereading earlier postings here on SI. Sunday morning, through tears, I revealed additional details about my last affair and promised to tell any more details I as recall them in the future regardless of whether or not my BGF and I are having a good moment. I have cried more Sunday and Monday and this morning more than I had in the past. My BGF said that she had finally seen the remorse she had been waiting for from me. While not wanting to bring this back to me, I still have to say that I feel a sense of liberation from the heaviness that had surrounded me. We have a long road ahead of us, but I feel that finally we are headed to R and doing it the right way. And to think that Iíve wasted so much time through my TTs and rug sweeping. Iím such a moron.
I want to again thank everyone who read and responded to my earlier posts. Those that shared their stories and feelings and those that have given me the virtual head slaps I needed. This site is a Godsend and will be a part of my beautiful BGFs life throughout this journey. To all the WS out there, donít waste time keeping crap inside. Let it out. Iíve seen just this weekend how wonderful open and honest communication can be with your SO. My BGF has never looked more beautiful to me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:44 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 9/3/2013 09:33 AM

I didnít realize that guilt was so self focused.
Pretty crazy eh?

As far as the TT stuff, have you considered a detailed time line for her? You can add things into it as you remember them?

Keep working.

1DumbHusband posted 9/3/2013 23:58 PM

I read the article and its a lot of good information! Thanks for sharing it!

SheHatesMe posted 9/4/2013 09:10 AM

1DH - You are welcome. This was a huge eye opener for me. Being able to discuss each line with my wonderful BGF helped me see how my perspective of what I thought I was doing didn't come close to her perspective. We really have to listen to what our BGF/BS are saying. We are stupid humans at times.

1DumbHusband posted 9/4/2013 21:37 PM

Well my history has shown me to be a repetitive and insensitive stupid human! This article helped me to see how I've been expressing guilt rather than remorse for my EA when my wife and I started dating. I see how my wonderful BS couldn't heal before because I was in denial over my actions, thus I never expressed remorse for what I had done. I compounded the problem by gas-lighting because I didn't show remorse and that is why our recurring "issues" have continued to come up. My poor BS continues to ask why this time is different. This article has helped me see how this time is different (to me) because I see my actions and attitude more consistent with remorse rather than simply guilt.

84CF posted 9/4/2013 22:04 PM

Gods, I wish my WW would read that article. Thanks for the link.

StillLivin posted 9/4/2013 22:17 PM

Thank You For Posting The Link. Going To Read It Tomorrow.

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