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After 3 months of TTing me to death and me giving him a 6 month time frame to show some progress, he (SheHatesMe on here) came to me in tears and admitted some details he had been holding onto. This was after several more days of me trying to pull it out of him, yelling, threatening to end it now, etc. I knew there was more and I also knew we weren't going to make any progress unless he learned he could and should come to me with anything.

I listened while he unloaded more hurtful information and 2 things happened...the info didn't hurt as much because there wasn't a lie on top of it and I didn't get angry. We talked about it. I saw for the first time that he was remorseful and felt pain for me, not just himself. He found an article that he's posted in his posts this morning explaining the difference between remorse and guilt.

He answered the quiz questions and emailed me, then we talked about how I disagreed with most of his answers. Next morning he got up and spent 40 minutes pacing and crying and getting the nerve up to tell me what he was holding back.

Then we spent 2 really good days together which hasn't happened in a long time. He has said he was afraid of my reaction if I found out the other things but telling me as opposed to lying about it and me finding out, resulted in a very different response from me.

So if there are any WS reading this, just tell the truth, come clean, get it out. Lied erode the relationship more than the affair did.

On a side note, we've been re-painting the inside of the house for the last month together. We made a valance, got some new sheers, repaired some drywall and hung a new light fixture. Although I was pissed at times, working together to better our surroundings I think helped with stress and bonding. I wasn't in the mood for dates or spending time with him when he was TTing but doing something productive was ok with me so if you're finding yourself in the I don't feel like going on a "date" with him boat, maybe try working on a project.

Lastly, thank you. You all are a huge help and the support we've received in the short time we've been on has been a wonderful surprise and gift we very much needed.

These are all very positive changes in the right direction.

Thanks for also sharing about how you bonded over home improvements. I'm probably going to steal that idea from you.

Glad to hear things are going better.

I'm glad there is progress. And yes progress for an R is difficult unless ALL cards are on the table. My R kept resetting everytime something "new" comes up. It was annoying and demoralizing. It actually makes a BS stop R.

Hugs to you.

Thank you for posting a positive experience! I was the same way when H finally decided he could tell me the truth about things. He was utterly shocked that I did behave like the OLD me....he got to see for the first time that I could grow and change, that I was listening to HIS concerns.

That day did us both good. It has only gotten better since then.

WS....please, please tell the truth. I get that you are disgusted with your actions, that what you have to say is horrible but Velvet is so true......the extra lie added to the situation is the more hurtful part of your behaviour. It shows us BS's that you really haven't changed. Coming clean, even with some of the more hurtful info shows your spouse you really want to be open and honest.

T

Thanks everyone.

Simple - agreed that it makes a BS stop R. I have stopped saying I love you, banished him to the couch, stopped hugging, kissing, sex, and gave him a 6 month time frame from dday to show me some progress. Considering he spent 3 of the 6 so far TTing, I in turn, was detaching in I'm assuming was a subconscious effort to protect myself and gear up for parting ways.

He did remark after he told me a few more details and I listened and we talked calmly about them that I was more beautiful and radiant to him. I laughed a little and suggested we check his eyewear prescription since I had another sleepless night and my hair was all over the place but he said through tears that he just saw me differently all of the sudden. Through talking about that we decided it was because we had gained some intimacy. Lies put walls between people.

So yes, WSs, please come clean and show, not just state, that you really want to work on things with your BSs.