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confused about WW's mixed signals

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JalenB521 posted 9/3/2013 10:36 AM

It's been three months since I confronted her about her affair. We both agreed that we want to try to make our marriage work and talked about what each of us needs more of from the other. We recognize that "being there" for each other is important not only for our kids but for our own happiness. Since our initial discussions, however, the things that she said she needs more of from me (i.e. intimacy) have been well received by her only some of the time. It's very confusing when I get shut down by her when I try to be more affectionate. This also is discouraging for me going forward when I'm supposed to be doing more of things like this. Does anyone have recommendations regarding how to continue? I'm struggling with this.

Razor posted 9/3/2013 11:00 AM

I hear you. This is not easy.

I think alot of WS are conflicted about what they did and wonder about what it means. I think some wonder if they should leave the M even after they have agreed to stay. I imagine this to be something like *I must have been unhappy in a bad M and BS must not be my soul mate because I would not have had the LTA otherwise*

I think its a hard thing for anyone to really look inside them self and find the fault of their actions there. We all usually look outside first and try and place the blame there.

My WW blamed our M. Me. My job. The OM. Circumstances. Environment. Really pretty much everything you can think of. Anything and everything other than herself.

IF your WW is in that place of thinking her LTA was her destiny because she is in a bad M with the wrong person. That could be why she is pulling away.

I also think that some WS see the damage the LTA caused as being too big to ever repair. They see a black cloud or a scarlet A hanging over their heads possibly for the rest of their life. If this is the case she could be having second thoughts about staying in the M. Because it would be easier to just move on.

The truth is that no one really knows whats going on other than your WW. All we can do is to try and be supportive and wait and watch what they do.

WhiteCarrera posted 9/3/2013 12:59 PM

I agree with Razor, who said it much more eloquently than I would.

My response was going to be, "A WW who is confused and sending mixed signals??? Go figure ... duh!"

JalenB521 posted 9/3/2013 13:59 PM

Thank you Razor for pointing out how my WW might be feeling. That's definitely another way to look at it, which I had not given any thought to. That could really help me to deal.

5454real posted 9/3/2013 14:18 PM

Without more info, it's kinda tough to give a suggestion. Ie. Does she take 100% responsibility for the affair? From you post, it sounds as if she may be suggesting that the marriage/you may have played a part. Do not accept responsibility for her CHOICE to have an affair. Sure, you were responsible for 50% of the marital issues, but she chose to fix them by having an A?

Anyway, more info would be helpful. Sorry that you had to find the best club you never wanted to join. Sorry you're here, we're glad you made it!


2married2quit posted 9/3/2013 16:03 PM

Gotta agree with Razor. Everything he said is true in our M here. My FWW feels unworthy of me at times. Other times she doesn't want the affection because she doesn't want any kind of affection until she figures out what the heck happened to her.

Everything else Razor said is DEAD ON in my case here.

Thank you Razor.

PhantomLimb posted 9/3/2013 19:33 PM

I second all of this. I watched my WS go from grateful and eager for R, to some doubt after facing my anger, to retreating, to doubting he was still in love with me, to taking the A underground to, finally, walking away. Took three weeks from beginning to end. I was 180-ing, so I really did witness it in some sort of "objective" way.

Feelsmall posted 9/3/2013 21:12 PM

There is one thing call, " Indeed, you want it all".

Try to take her place and imagine you are in the same situation, you enjoy the affair so much and AP is considered your soul mate for cry out loud. It's so strong feelings just like you are addictive to cocaine.

What happen when you try to get rid of drugs? yeeeeep, you got piss off and extremely anger and other stuff.

The one you have to stay with(unfortunately it's you the BS buddy) because of any reason, is the enemy who stop you from the dream cure.

Now she wants a family with you because of certain thing she can't give up on( House, security, certainty), and yet she also can't really let go of other man, she may even picturing him every time when you two are having sex.

It sucks.

Tell her how you feel of everything, DO NOT keep it for yourself just to play "I'm tough". No, you are not, It can't go anywhere unless you two could really connect to each other, otherwise there is just doubts and resentment growing slowly and hurt you one day to come in years.

Man up, try to work on you, try to manage to live with or without her. It works for any possible to come, and it could make you attractive again if you keep a certain distant from her.

edited for typos

[This message edited by Feelsmall at 1:15 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

JalenB521 posted 9/4/2013 00:24 AM

In response to a couple of the recent posts:
#1. My WW does accept 100% of the responsibility for the decision she made to step out on me and for not coming to me to have a talk first. However, I feel like my WW was never, and still isn't, truly sorry for the approx. 5 month A she had. She says that she is but actions speak louder than words.
#2. I will take the advice and open up to my WW about how I am feeling about her actions, or lack there of, since we agreed to try to work things out.
Regardless of how this all plays out I do now know that I am going to be perfectly fine, and thus I am starting to focus on myself and gain my confidence back.

2married2quit posted 9/4/2013 07:56 AM

JalenB521 - How long has it been since DDAY and has there been NC? Those bits of information are important to kinda gauge how she feels.

JalenB521 posted 9/4/2013 11:00 AM

It's been 3 months since d-day and there has been NC.

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