SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cluless posted 9/3/2013 10:57 AM

I have been married 15 to a man that I thought would be faithful to me. I have spent my entire life not fully being able to trust anyone, because they eventually hurt me. My husband as added to this hurtful list.

I actually found out about this affair a year ago. But at the time, wasn't given ALL the details. I found a text of love on my husband's cellphone and confronted him. He downplayed it as a harmless exchange with an old girlfriend. The only girlfriend I knew of his was his ex when he was 19. But he frequently spoke of her as the love of his life. If that wasn't bothersome enough, he completely denied it was her. The promptly left on another business trip.

I went ballistic and threw most of his belongings on the grass in front of the house where they stayed till he returned from his trip 5 days later. I started to file for divorce when he finally told me it was in fact that ex girlfriend and gave me her name. I then contacted her husband through facebook. Imagine her surprise when he called me and she asked who was on the line and he said my name. At this point, her husband & I became strong allies at getting to the truth.

Forever I heard it was just sexting and they only met for coffee once and he wasn't attracted to her. We talked for months and I finally decided to try to work on my marriage. But her husband & I kept in communication and I often wondered why he left her, why he was sleeping with other women and why he was so much more angry than I was. The reason was, they DID have a physical affair, but my ally didn't tell me until just a few days ago. My husband kept telling him, it will cause her to flare and go back into the hospital.

My lovely husband first slept with his whore, my BD month, June 2011. 2 weeks out of that month I was up in San Francisco tending to HIS sick father. I was also very ill as I've been suffering from Crohn's disease for 33 years and they hadn't found anything to control my symptoms.

During the months of July - October, I was in the hospital, having yet another surgery, having obstructions, just living the good life, he was sexting his lover. I was home mending, and then he went to meet with her again. She's an airline attendant and would fly into our city, he'd drive down and screw her and then come back to me. I don't know how many times I told her, if he needed to leave the marriage, or he wanted to be with somebody else, just talk to me. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He felt sorry for himself, his first wife was sick, his 2nd wife was sick and he deserved more, he deserved someone flattering him, and telling him how special he was and taking care of his needs.

This man did everything in his power to keep this truth from me. So although this happened a year ago, it feels like yesterday. He is sleeping in our guest room that has all of his belongings in a big pile. My emotions are all over the place and I can't eat or think. I screamed at him so hard I hurt my throat last night. How can somebody that says they love you, do something like that? This affair went on for 1-1/2 years. I don't know if I should just throw him out, kill him, kill me, I don't know. Part of me wants my life back, but it's all been a lie. He knew my issues about betrayal and had NO problem doing it.

I thought the pain I went through when my child became a drug addict and left was bad, that was nothing compared to this. It's even worse than losing my mom at 16. Why does life have to be so cruel"? Why can't somebody just love me? Oh and get this, his lover wanted us to be friends, she is completely clueless. All she says to me is about much my husband loves me, did he say that while he was screwing her? I've never felt so much hatred for somebody in my life and I have no way to get it out. Will this pain ever end?

Eudaimonia posted 9/3/2013 11:45 AM

((((Cluless))))
I understand. I can relate. The truth is that these people ( and it appears there are a lot of them out there) are seriously sick. Sick, selfish and totally apathetic.

You are a hero in my eyes and I bet a lot of others here. You keep taking the hits, but you get back up to face the world, regardless.

We can't make them tell us the truth or even see why it is necessary that they do so. It IS painful. It DOES seem that it will never end. But it will lessen: I promise. It gets easier every day knowing that YOU did everything right, YOU are a good person. YOU were the victim of some seriously messed up people's actions, but you choose to not define yourself as a victim.
I apologize, I think I'll stop before I get too preachy.

Just one more thing:

You are not alone.

traicionada posted 9/3/2013 12:07 PM

People often say that knowledge is power but I bet those people have never been victims of infidelity. Finding the truth can be so devasting,it hurts to breath So, my question for you is, how would you like to handle the truth? You don't have to decide your whole life on the next breath, you just need focus on the being good to yourself

focusingonthefam posted 9/3/2013 12:09 PM

hugs to you, and stay strong.. I'm in the same boat as you my dear.
I'm at work right now, and shaking fiercely because I see him chatting on Viber with his work cell( I thought he wasn't using this phone)
I have a feeling they are still seeing each other during work, I need to find out for sure!! Any suggestions??

cluless posted 9/3/2013 12:43 PM

You know one thing I've learned from this experience is IF you don't have the WHOLE truth, you CAN'T heal. If your husband is a coward (like mine) they won't tell you. He did learn yesterday that if he wants any chance of saving our marriage he HAS to tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, as MANY times as I need to hear it. I will have rantings that could go on for YEARS.

I can't even imagine him leaving for the other woman. I can't imagine that I wouldn't end up in prison after killing both of them. Yet intellectually I know neither one of them are worth it.

I did get the truth and I did tell my husband I was going to have my own affair, and have that "falling in love, fluttering in the stomach, ALL of it." I want that too! Not some absent husband doing that with somebody else! Everyone says "that's self destructive." What "if" that is the ONLY way I can forgive him? Is it better to just end the marriage? He's begging me to forgive him, he's doing all the right stuff... FINALLY, but isn't it too late?

One last question, how do you eat without throwing up? I've lost 5 lbs in 4 days and with my health that could be very dangerous. Any suggestions? Oh and IF my husband continued to carry on with her at ANY time, it would be bye bye, grieve the loss and MOVE THE HELL ON!

Tearsoflove posted 9/3/2013 14:40 PM

Cluless,

I'm so sorry. This is terribly painful. I, too, have trust issues from having been sexually abused as a child and abandoned by my mother and my husband knew that. It's especially painful when you finally let yourself trust someone and they betray you. What you eventually learn is that you have to trust yourself.

I did tell my husband I was going to have my own affair, and have that "falling in love, fluttering in the stomach, ALL of it." I want that too! Not some absent husband doing that with somebody else! Everyone says "that's self destructive." What "if" that is the ONLY way I can forgive him? Is it better to just end the marriage?

The flaw in this logic is that somehow you get even. But you don't. You're never really even. And if you care about respecting yourself, having an affair can seriously damage that. I recommend that you give yourself more time to grieve and get past the pain before you make a decision, including whether or not to have a revenge affair.

One last question, how do you eat without throwing up? I've lost 5 lbs in 4 days and with my health that could be very dangerous.

Many of us found that we could tolerate nutrition shakes until we could actually stomach solid foods. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids. If fiber is a big concern with your condition, Atkins makes a breakfast shake that is higher in fiber and protein than many of the others. It's in the pharmacy section with the diet foods in a cream colored carton with an orange top. If fiber isn't a huge concern for you, any of the nutrition shakes should help.

Skan posted 9/3/2013 20:04 PM

Seek out some whole nutrition drinks and drink as many as you can. Pedialite works well with some people too. With Crohns, you also need to worry about staying hydrated so please talk to your doctor in case you end up needing IVs for hydration.

Please expect your emotions to be all over the place. That's normal. We call it the roller coaster and you are going to have some very sharp hills and valleys. One moment you're going to want to smash everything in the house, the next beg him to stay, then throw all of his stuff out onto the road, then collapse on the floor sobbing. You're not losing your mind this is all normal. You have suffered some horrific trauma with the knowledge of his A, and your body is going to be hyper-aware and hyper-sensitive for some time. (((hugs)))

emotionalgirl posted 9/3/2013 20:33 PM

(((((Clueless)))))

cluless posted 9/4/2013 19:30 PM

Thanks all for your wisdom. I realize I'm a newbie in all this and your help is invaluable to me. At least I know I'm not losing my mind.

I'm getting a handle on this rather quickly. I learned of this a year ago, just didn't have the whole story. And I know to have the whole story hurts but at least I can finally heal. I'm opting for counseling, my WS has realized he needs some serious help and is willing to get it. I have NO idea how I'm going to feel when it's all said and done, but I respect our vows and commitment to each other and it's worth a try. At the very least, his relationship with his son may improve.

I got up this morning and had breakfast, and then went to lunch with my friend. WS and I have another marathon talk session coming tonight and just like a box of chocolates... he never knows what he's going to get

tushnurse posted 9/5/2013 15:33 PM

Clueless - Welcome to the club no one ever wants or plans to join. IT is a very difficult and stressful time. For Sure.
Add in the Crohn's, and you get a special kind of hell. You can try the nutrition shakes, and would strongly recomend talking with your GI guy about the fiber content and what is safe, esp if you have had mult bouts with SBO's.
If you are too stressed to eat, then talk to one of your dr's about something to help you with that as well. You don't need to end up in the hospital or on TPN because of his selfish issues.
Make sure you are being kind to you. Read in the healing library up there on the left side of your screen. Keep asking questions, and keep posting. We have BTDT amongst all of us, someone elses situation will be eerily similar to yours.

((((and strength))))

kansas1968 posted 9/5/2013 16:30 PM

Wow. Girl, you have been going through a specail kind of hell. I know how awful Crohns is and how painful. And to also have to go through this. You are one strong lady to still be standing.

To answer your quesion, no don't kill her, him, or yourself. This pain you are feeling will get better. It just takes time. The only way to possibly get your life back, and maybe even better, is him thinking you are dead serious about a divorce.
That starts with a 180 (which it sounds like you have started) and you seeing an attorney.
You need to be cold and calm. That is scarier to a wayward than anger.
So, so, sorry. There is a lot of good advice and information in the healing library, and lots of good books listed further down on the forums. Hugs and strengh.

TICKED OFF posted 9/5/2013 16:58 PM

In my own opinion.....No the pain never goes away. It will subside to a point, but it never will actually go to hell where it belongs.

It is very simple.....No truth, no healing. And believe me, I know this for a fact after 9 years of TT.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 5:00 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

cluless posted 9/5/2013 23:53 PM

I REALLY do appreciate all of your support. I journal, because 4 years ago, I discovered my son was stealing my pain medication and had become a drug addict. During this time, he was stealing, he killed my $6,000 bird by not feeding her while we were on our cruise. So I went to Alanon and Families Anonymous to get relief.

So I looked at what I wrote when his affair started. He was in the spare bedroom (where he currently resides) and everytime I go into that room, he SNAPS his phone shut. I even said, he's hiding something.

What is heart-breaking is what I write in the following weeks. I'm losing him, if he'd only realize how much I love him and stop laying so much guilt/blame on me for things that haven't gone right or that he doesn't get his way. I was very ill with the Crohn's at the time, dying actually and fighting to live. I would try to break through and he would shut me down, and accuse me of being less than genuine. I wrote that I'm so lonely, I don't feel loved, that my husband loathes me. I actually wrote a final letter to him. He was so uncomfortable, he said I can't listen to this it's too painful. I told him you have to hear this, you are in your "room" telling your lover how mistreated you are and how I never have sex with you and it's been you all this time. By the end of our evening, he said "you'd be better without me." "I've hurt you, more than anyone deserves it." So again, he goes right back to feeling sorry for himself.

I told him tonight, that I DON'T know when we get through this if I will ever be able to trust him. Get this, the DAY he started his affair, we started marriage therapy. That made me so angry, why are you going to marriage therapy with me and lying, you wasted my time. I actually wrote, "there's hope." He flat out lied. And that affair continued for 1-1/2 years. I had one more re-section surgery, 1 hemorrhage and 1 bowel obstruction and then finally got my miracle drug and I've been in remission since. All that energy into somebody else, he just never believed I loved him. I have NO idea where to go to from here.

LearningToFly posted 9/6/2013 09:43 AM

Know that your husband chose to cheat all on his own. Instead of being there for you, focusing on your marriage, and allowing the difficult parts of life to bring you closer, he abandoned you for a fantasy so that he didn't have to grow through the pain. That is not your fault or your destiny.

Your story sound similar to mine in many ways. I started going to al-anon and naranon for my son who will be leaving next week when he turns 18. He plans to live on the street and "travel." One of my friends there pointed out to me that al-anon could also help me with my WS. His affair is an addiction. Even if he isn't involved with her right now, he isn't moving our relationship forward and his loyalties still lie with her. His focus is still on blaming me - "the environment before the affair" - my mistreatment of him "bringing up the past (such as the afffair) - me calling him names -such as "cheater" and "lier." I AM WORKING ON BEING PERFECT for myself not him, and have a long way to go but I know that even if I responded in a perfectly emotionless way, he would find something I am doing wrong. We are in limbo. We are both going to counseling but he is only hearing what he wants. He has an addictive personality, is passive aggressive and seems to feel entitled to a conflict free life. I can't fix him. The counselors can't fix him. He has to see it for himself before any change will happen. Ala non helps me to except the boundaries of control and responsibility.

cluless posted 9/6/2013 10:40 AM

Learning to Fly,

You are SOOOOOO right! That sounds like my husband! Alanon REALLY helped me to get outside myself (stop being the victim) and write your own script. I really grew during those couple of years I went to meetings and read books, group meetings, etc. You ONLY have control over yourself.

During the time the affair started, I was trying to reconnect with my estranged son, my g/f was dying of Crohn's Disease, and then died I was "TRYING" to save my marriage, save our house, deal with my own illness and battle depression. How selfish can one individual human be? It truly boggles my mind

I've also found out since WHY my son had turned to drugs. In 1995, my ex-husband contacted CPS and said my youngest son had a bruise on his behind. And he "claimed" it was from my husband spanking him. I was pregnant at the time with my 3rd child. Well, if you've ever dealt with CPS, it was a nightmare and I lost temporary custody of the boys to my ex for about 5 months. DURING this time, his new wife's son molested my son. Can you see the irony in that? So when he left during his "drug" haze, he went to live with my ex. Who STILL has the offender in the same house. My son is depressed and have anxiety disorder. I'm sure you all know what I'd like to do to my ex?

The only good thing that came out of that whole nightmare was that I did the work, and I really took my inventory and became a much better person. I threw out all the excessive abuse I had growing up and stopped being the victim. It is important to me to be honest and communicate. If you can believe this, I ended up consoling my WS ex-lover yesterday. I can't help helping people, but I wanted some truths about her. This is such a painful time of my life, how do I even know if I go to therapy with him, he won't start another affair while we go?

Lost in Oceanside

Broken6 posted 9/8/2013 13:28 PM

Warm wishes and hugs to you. You have had to endure far more than many people. All I can say, is that I don't believe God gives more than a person can handle, and he must have a whole lot of faith in you, because you have been give so much to handle. And you have handled it with strength, grace, and power. I hope that in the future, only happiness will come your way. You are certainly deserving of it.