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He Did It Again

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DyingInside0412 posted 9/3/2013 11:24 AM

Long story short -- husband confessed to a year-long affair in April of 2012. Said it had been over for a few months, he regretted it, would never do it again, blah, blah, blah. For a while, it seemed like things were going to be okay again...until earlier this year.

He tells me that a coworker hit on him, but he turned her down. Then I notice a new person commenting on his Facebook posts and ask if it was the same person who hit on him and he said it was. I wasn't comfortable with that, but he swore nothing would happen, and for some stupid reason, I believed him -- or wanted to anyway. Desperately wanted to. He didn't treat me any differently. Still very nice and seemingly into me, though gone more on the weekends.

I checked her FB profile occasionally, but never really saw anything, until a few weeks back she made a comment about her boyfriend being great. My husband had told me she and her boyfriend were on the rocks a few days before that, so it surprised me, but I didn't say anything. Then I see that she has tagged my husband and a few other people in a post about going out on a boat for a day. Something he never told me about. When I asked him about it, he said that he had planned on telling me, but he knew I would freak out, so he hadn't gotten around to it yet. Really?

Can you believe that even after that I wanted to believe that nothing was happening? Until I looked at her FB page yet again the other day, and there it was, her new profile picture in which she was kissing my husband on the cheek while he grinned at the camera. I felt sick right then and there.

I haven't said anything to my husband yet. I just don't know what to do. Part of me hates him, yet part of me doesn't want it to be over. We've been together for so long, and in a weird way, I still love him, or at least the way I remember him being. I know that once this is out in the open, it will be over with us, because I can't stay with someone who keeps doing this, but I'm absolutely terrified to lose him in my life. What do I do with all these conflicting feelings? I really need help.

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/3/2013 14:01 PM

Oh dear ... if that was me, im sorry I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut!!

Go back on her FB, right click on the photo and SAVE AS for proof before u do anything else.

Im so sorry your going thru this, I cant believe the cheek of that woman putting your husband on her profile picture!!! Has she no tack ... obviously she knows he is married to you and she doesn't care by the sounds of it. She isn't gonna stop at nothing to get your man.

Put your foot down, demand that he stops seeing her, sod the boat trip, he aint going!! If you love him and are willing to forgive this again, then fight for him, dig your heels in ... if not, you have to let him go... but you make him see what this is doing to you ...

Im sorry im not much more help, im just so annoyed for you right now!!! Xxx

Simple posted 9/3/2013 14:30 PM

I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm sure it will continue to happen too. The last time he cheated it looked like he pretty much got a free pass and all the work is in your end.

Definitely save the picture, look at it and I hope you don't go in denial to what's truly going on. I had to do this myself before I can get to the next steps of my healing.

Please get checked for STDs. If you got one or not show him the result. Ask him to get tested himself. Until you know he's clean stop having sex with him.

Protect yourself. Start focusing on yourself and your own sanity and healthiness of your body and mind. You don't owe him anything. He owes you a lot.

Hugs your way.

Tearsoflove posted 9/3/2013 14:31 PM

Before you confront, read in the healing library. Familiarize yourself with the 180 and how to set boundaries. He's going to tell you they are just friends and you're being ridiculous.

My husband pulled the "We're just friends" crap and also said he didn't want me choosing his friends. I told him that he could have all the friends he wants but he can't have female friends who aren't also friends of our marriage and also be married to me. He argued and I told him that was my boundary to protect myself since he has crappy boundaries with women and he could take it or leave it because if he chose the friendship, the marriage was over. It turns out the reason he had been fighting for it so hard was that he had already been sleeping with her.

He chose the marriage and ended the friendship but if he hadn't, I'd have told him to take a walk. I've been through this with him once before and I'm not losing my self-respect for him again.

Think about what you want and if you are prepared to set real consequences for you not getting what you want. Since your husband has already had an affair, you know he has lousy boundaries. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. Be prepared that he is likely to fight for his "friendship".

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