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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Do AP's often have more than one A?
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've often wondered this.

I know that ex's AP had a colleague jailed for rape when ex started working there. All of the boses there were really shocked as they thought her to be a bit of a tease. Also, this woman calls herself a lesbian (clearly bisexual!), and the fact she had an A with a man who was in a long-term relationship with a young child and another one on the way makes me think that she has probably played this game before. She definitely appears to have some control issues surrounding men.

I'm not focusing my attention on her by the way but it is something that has popped into my head occasionally.

Any thoughts?


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
struggling16
♀ 33202
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's AP had at least one prior A with a married man. She actually contacted the BS to warn her that she was concerned about their child's safety because he could be violent. Hearing that story terrified my WH that the AP would contact me. She never did. I suspect (based on this story)that the AP enjoys undermining marriages.

Posts: 729 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least.

I do know my husband had multiple affairs, even "cheating" on one of his AP's with a previous AP.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Issaquah
♀ 34484
Member # 34484
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of the women who knew he was married they all had a history of cheating on their partners or with previous partners. My WH is a SA and I would imagine his partners had SA traits - so that could be a bit different.


BS - Me, 41 SAHM back in grad school
WS - Husband, 43 SA dx in March 2013
T-20, M-18 college sweethearts
Multiple DDays since 1999 - OW's all the way back to engagement
Most recent DDay 8-12,false R 1/13
DD-11, DS 13 with ASD

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do understand that when you ask "if AP's often have more than one A?" that your WS is also an AP?

I don't know the answer to the question, either. I bet someone will get some stats on that, but who knows how accurate those studies/stats will be. A common trait of AP's seems to be one of lying.

Anyway, if I am to believe FWH, this is is his one and only affair. His AP, however, was caught in bed with its 1st BH's married friend. Two marriages destroyed. OW moved in with the MM, and started having an affair with my FWH. OW fucked my FWH a few weeks before and a few weeks after it married the MM.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Bigger
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stats? You want stats?

Well… A person that has had an affair is statistically 4 times more likely to cheat again that someone that hasn’t cheated is likely to start cheating. So yes – many WP have more than one affair and thereby very likely more than one affair partner.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting replies.

I did think that if someone cheats then they have probably either done it before or will do it again.

SisterMilkShake, my ex told me at the beginning of our relationship that he cheated on his ex. Then when I mentioned this after discovering his infidelity he claims he and his ex had split up. Yeah right!

Why I didn't go running then I don't know. I guess that's my downfall: trying to see the good in people.

I thought ex might have had an indecent meeting with his ex at the beginning of our relationship too but he swore at the time that was not the case. Obviously now I don't believe any of that.

So it's on to the next person he is going to cheat on, poor woman.

I just feel sorry for my children as one day they might discover that their father is a cheater and/or serial cheater.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
AML04
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H said this was his first A but he has definitely had inappropriate "friendships". I guess now I would say they verged on EAs.

His AP was engaged when they started their bullshit. She also started seeing someone else (single guy) when her and F were having troubles. She finally broke it off with her F in January, he moved out in April and then her new BF moved right in. She is actually the one who ended the A with my H.
I would love to tell her xF he never had a chance and tell her new BF she was sleeping with my H the first 4 mos of their relationship. What a piece of work! I stumbled across a blog of hers that she had posted saying something about cheating on every boyfriend she had ever had, shocker!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had two, one of the OW's was caught three times, avcording to her husband, and my AP's wife said she didn't think I was the only one....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Want2help
♀ 20547
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW was single when she met FWH. She had an OC by him. She went on to be involved with 2 more married or engaged men (possibly 3, that I know of), and have another OC by the last one, whom she is now married to.

My FWH started with what I now believe to be an EA with one woman. Began sleeping with OW. Once he was kicked out and living with OW, he had MULTIPLE women (he and OW had agreed to "not be in a relationship", just "friends with benefits" who lived together in a camper).

I worked with a woman who, in the 4 years I worked with her, had at least 8 As that I know of, with married co-workers. So yes, there are serial APs who are single.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2340 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger wrote:
Stats? You want stats?
Well… A person that has had an affair is statistically 4 times more likely to cheat again that someone that hasn’t cheated is likely to start cheating. So yes – many WP have more than one affair and thereby very likely more than one affair partner.

Interesting and I can see that this is probably true.

Remember tho that our WS is someone elses AP.

So. What does this statistic say about OUR WS?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dunno. FWS didn't know OW well enough to know. Which I think is pathetic. After the fog lifted fWS realized she really didn't know anything about OW. FWS knew NO ONE that knew OW to collaborate any information OW gave.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Zayda1
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was not his AP's first affair. She has had a least one prior to their affair and admitted to meeting another man in a park to see if he would be interested while they were in the midst of their affair.

As for my WH....well, I don't know. He says he has never cheated on me prior to her (or on any previous girl friends) but only he knows the truth.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 7:38 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, mine had at least 2. He also cheated on me before we got married.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7824 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Feelsmall
♂ 40413
Member # 40413
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, they do, usually cheating is an need for those who choose to do it, no one ever cheat just once, they have no principle for honest, and you bet they indeed have more than one A, even in the same time.


Me BH 31
WW 29
DD 07.2013
DS 2
Working on R

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: somewhere in hell
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am reasonably confident that this is true; my WS only cheated with one person (two years worth but only one person). His AP was AT LEAST on her second affair.

AP wasn't caught the first time. I'd like to think that my WS will consider the consequences in the future. As for his AP, I simply don't care.


Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh is anyone immune from infidelity!?

This post has made me trigger about the poor boundaries ex had with women.

I can think of at least two occasions where he really overstepped the mark. And on one of those nights whilst we were at a party he disappeared and left me to make my way home alone. This was after he had been all over one of his work colleagues, when we both worked for the sane company, and they were all over each other right behind my back.
My friends told me about it. He claims nothing happened and that he was just pissed and walked home.

Hmmm? I'll never know.

The other instance was at a friends wedding when, during the early hours of the night him and a friends then girlfriend were really up close and personal. She was also dancing with him, grabbing his tie, pulling him up close to her and lifting her leg up in to him. I got really pissed off with him and went to bed as he thought he was doing nothing wrong.

So this had made me think he probably did cheat at some point back then. And I have no doubt he will do it again as he is not working on fixing himself, not even for the sake of his children.

Anyway, I'm not feeling sad about these triggers, if anything I think I'm starting to feel indifferent which is good! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MarriedOW surely did engage in more than one sexual relationship outside of her marriage. I think probably a good handful of them. And it turns out WH engaged in phone sex with another "old friend" earlier in our marriage.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thirty years after my WW's A, I spoke to her AP on the phone. He said he was dying of terminal cancer and was calling those he had done wrong to make amends. I told him that although I had forgiven him and WW, for a long time, the news of his illness would have been an answer to my prayers. His answer shocked me, "Yeah, you and a hundred others. And that's just the ones that found out."


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
wifeno2
♀ 31529
Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH MCOW left her first husband for her second. She had been married to her second husband for about 18 months and my WH was the 4th or 5th man in their department that she had had an A with since married to her second husband.

I would say she has a problem...


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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