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working on trust

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catlover50 posted 9/3/2013 12:58 PM

So, we had a wonderful weekend. Took lots of time together relaxing, doing the things we enjoy.

At one point I asked my H to bear with me and hear me out. I asked him if he now understood that there would be no more second chances. Yes. That I want to be with him forever but would be fine on my own. Yes. That he is so much more self-aware now and no longer feels the need to be disloyal. Yes. That if he did feel the need that he could come to me before acting. Yes, but...what's wrong? Please bear with me. I would hope that if he felt the need to betray me again he would be honorable and divorce me first. But I'd never... And if he did act out I would surely find out eventually, I always have? Yes, but, honey... Bear with me! I went on.

With all that understood, I have decide to just trust you. Oh! (smiles)---great!

It is actually a burden off of me. It actually causes me a small amount of anxiety every time I check up on him, or worry why he didn't answer his phone immediately. He has been a model remorseful fWH, so....what am I helping by continuing to be suspicious? We are all trying to protect ourselves but the fact is I will be hurt if this happens again regardless, but do know that I can move forward just fine.

So, right now anyway, I am letting it go and choosing to trust.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 1:00 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 9/3/2013 13:04 PM

I feel I am pretty much at the same place, catlover50, although I didn't tell FWH it "officially".

However, I know I will never trust him like I used to. Blindly. That, I feel, is a good thing.

Did you blindly trust your H pre-A? Do you feel that you will go back or are back at that level of trust in H? Not saying any of this is good or bad, I am just curious as how you feel about that now that you feel you are

letting it go and choosing to trust.

catlover50 posted 9/3/2013 13:19 PM

Nope, Sister, I did not. I just posted in general about whether I was blindsided and I was not. I never truly trusted him because I always sensed he was keeping part of himself apart. And, of course, because he had cheated before, even when we were dating. (I know, what was I thinking! Hey, I was young!)

I actually trust him more now than I did prior to Dday. Feel that connection that had always alluded us. He is open as he has never been, literally in his life. And, although he deserves it, it was hurtful to him that I didn't trust him, since he has, I believe, sincerely changed and grown.

I don't believe in blind trust, personally, anyway. People are flawed and can always let you down.

But in terms of letting go the suspicion, well, it was not helping and was actually hurting me. So, I've chosen to let it go.

Simple posted 9/3/2013 13:35 PM

5 years of real R here. Honestly, I told my XWH, that it doesn't matter to me if he does it again anymore or not. He just needs to tell me if he did so that I can get checked for STDs. If I choose to leave, and I can do so at anytime, that's my choice. Just as it is his choice to be unfaithful or not. We can't control each other. God and my instincts will tell me when to leave, if I should leave.

I think that scared him more than my watching him like a hawk. Once I let go, not blindly mind you - I still paid attention to his actions, it was as if a burden has lifted for sure.

More good your way.

[This message edited by Simple at 1:35 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

RightTrack posted 9/3/2013 23:15 PM

I don't worry too much about trust...I trust myself now. If he crosses the line (lines, there are a few of them) he's OUT! I trust myself to stick to that.

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