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What to tell MiL?

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FoolontheHill posted 9/3/2013 13:03 PM

So WW (STBXWW) moved out this weekend. I left town because I could not be here while she left me. Also it was my birthday yesterday.

When I finally came home to my empty house there was a birthday card from MIL and FIL. it was vey sweet wishing my happy birthday a d telling me how happy they are to have me in the family etc. and it included a monetary gift.

I want to call her to thank her but I know WW has not spoken to her mother in a while and she has no idea of the events as of late. Not sure how to handle the call. An email or text thank you seems too impersonal.

[This message edited by FoolontheHill at 1:11 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

EvenKeel posted 9/3/2013 13:10 PM

I guess it depends if you want them to have your version or not...and if you are ready to tell it.

Typically the WW will spin the story they tell so there version is more like "we just grew apart", etc versus....I have a boyfriend/girlfriend and my husband didn't approve.

If your WW is not in close contact with her parents, then she probably has no intentions on telling them anything at all for a long time.

If you are up to the phone call, then I would call and thank them. Just decide ahead of time how much you wish to tell them when they ask about their daughter so you are prepared.

Simple posted 9/3/2013 13:24 PM

Since it's a STBX, if you have children, and the children are close to in-laws, then please call your in-laws, say it simple (don't say your daughter, your child, etc.):

"WE are divorcing because STBXWW have been unfaithful. However that doesn't mean that I don't love you both because I do and so much so that I want you both to continue to see the grandchildren. Just know that this is between STBXWW and I, you guys have been wonderful. Thank you for the birthday card and money."

I hope that helps.

PhantomLimb posted 9/3/2013 14:02 PM

In my case, I sent an email to one of his siblings to whom I felt the closest and gave him a message to send to the rest of the family.

Then I wrote his mother a card.

In each I told them that I loved them all and didn't understand why WS was pushing me away. But that I hope they know that I was proud to call them my family all of these years and I wished that we had had more time together.

I didn't hear back from any of them.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/3/2013 14:11 PM

Please tell them what is going on. Now before their daughter tells them lies about you.

One person on this site was lucky, in that his WW's Dad immediately came into town and took his daughter into a treatment facility. That family is going to make it.

What I have found out here is that affairs are like mold, they grow in the dark, but the reality of the sun caused them to wither and dry up.

I did not tell my inlaws for like 6 months. I am sorry I did not tell them right away. They would have used reality to hit my WS and possibly helped him to get help. By the time I told them, WS had told them so much that they don't even want to see me anymore.

In fact, tell everyone! Have you told the OM wife?

I know how screwed up you feel right now bc my XWH did the exact same thing to me!!!!! I mean exactly == even to the part about his "parts" don't work right, so they can't be having an affair!!! They also drug our kids, me, her H, her kids into this big "friend" thing 6 months after they were already together!!! I had never heard of people doing this, so I was blindsided.

Go tell everyone. NOW !!!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 2:15 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

FoolontheHill posted 9/3/2013 14:42 PM

We don't have any kids together She has a 19 yr old daughter who conveniently did not contact me on my birthday when that was her norm the past.

There is no saving it at this point so I don't need the in laws "on my side" so to speak. We have no kids and I have been lied to for at least 50% of my marriage. Plus she does not have much a relationship with them.

I have not told OM's wife of 40 plus years yet. Yes you read that correctly. This piece of shot has been married longer than STBXWW has been alive.

Man. Just when I thought the anger would go away it comes back even stronger.

FoolontheHill posted 9/3/2013 16:07 PM

Ahhhhh. I'm such a wimp. I did not have the courage to tell MIL on the phone. I just could not do it.

I think maybe ill send her an email instead.

PhantomLimb posted 9/3/2013 18:20 PM

I do have to agree with the "tell everyone" strategy. It's hard... but it doesn't make you a wimp to hesitate... the reality is that it impacts your loved ones, too.

WWs so rarely seem to realize how far reaching their actions are.

But tell all around. I'm glad that I did. WS is acting like nothing is different with our mutual friends and I'm glad they I clued them in early on and they see through his attempts at BS.

It is true that you have to be a little strategic in all of this.

FoolontheHill posted 9/4/2013 00:11 AM

Below is the email I sent to MIL. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible. No response as of yet.
Dear MIL
I am sorry I did not have the courage to tell you this on the phone earlier today i just could not muster the words. And by our conversation I presume you have not talked to WW in a while. WW left me on Sunday. I spent the weekend in another city for my birthday and because I could not bear to be here when she moved out. She will likely tell you that she left because, as she told me, she did not like who she became in our relationship, she needs to go find herself and that I am emotionally unavailable. The reality of the situation is that she was unfaithful to me twice. She betrayed me and lied to me and could not commit to it not happening again. Try as I might to put things back together it seems as if it has became impossible although there may still be a shred of hope.

I loved, and still do, her with all my heart and I loved Stepdaughter as if she were my own. I thought I was doing everything in my power to give them what they needed. But for some reason my love was not enough. I hope WW finds whatever it is she is looking for and finds peace and happiness.

I am forever grateful for the way you and FIL welcomed me into you family and into your hearts. Thank you for all the love and support over the years. And thank you again for the birthday gift. I do love the both of you. I wish you both peace and love.

PhantomLimb posted 9/4/2013 01:16 AM

That letter is touching. And very dignified.

I'm sure her family is going to feel an enormous sense of loss.


Crushed1 posted 9/4/2013 01:34 AM

Very good letter to MIL. It is sincere and hopefully they'll see the truth in it. ((((FOTH))))

FoolontheHill posted 9/4/2013 21:34 PM

As an update the letter to MIL was successful. She responded very nocely telling me she and FIL were shocked and saddened and that they will always regard me as family.

I don't think STBXWW will ever grasp heat she has given up.

Thanks for everyone's support.

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