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How can I help him without getting hurt

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APRIL2008 posted 9/3/2013 13:28 PM

I met this guy at the start of the year along with a big group of his and my friends. Had a good time and everyone went their seperate ways. Heard from some of his friends a few times but then nothing. Never knew of them agin.
About a month ago I was out at the same place we met and crossed paths with this guy We recognized eachother started talking and ended up going to dinner afterwards.
He is going through a seperation becouse of infidelity. Obviously we could relate,our stories are so similar. Ever since that day we talk every single night for 2 3 4 hours sometimes. It is amazing how we can just talk and talk. Ofcourse he talks alot of everything he is going through. He calls me if he's having a rough day in wich I know I can count on him for the same.
I have been through all of this for a while now, wouldn't say I am over it but further on in the road than he is , but now I am finding myself re-living everything I have been through myself. Talking to him brings back memories, feelings good and bad. I find myself thinking so much of how I can help this person yet I think its taking me back 1000 steps.
Now I must say he is an attractive guy and getting to know him is showing me how he is such a good person. We have spent some nights togeather no Sex, sometimes we have just had some long nights and just fell asleep togeather.
He tells me he has never felt so comfortable with someone,tells me I give him strength. He says he always wants to be honest with me, he can't tell me he loves me becouse he is still in love with his ex. Wich I undertand. He explained that he enjoys my company he has said he is attracted to me but doesn't just want it to be about sex.

I love this persons company, the coversations we have the friendship, but I can also see him as a man, a good man, a really good dad and someone that could be a great partner.

I had always said if someone ...a guy friend would have been there for me, maybe someone that had gone thorugh what I was going through, it would have made my journey alot easier.
Now I have the opportunity to help someone out and I don't know that I can handle the feelings it is bringing on me.
I don't know if its doing me any good.
I don't know how to tell him he is so bulnerable right now
I don't know what I should do.

Williesmom posted 9/3/2013 13:32 PM

Step aside. This guy is experiencing his own personal train wreck right now. He is not emotionally healthy.

Do not project your wants and needs onto this situation. It will end badly.

Jrazz posted 9/3/2013 13:43 PM

What williesmom said. x1000

Of course he's giddy to talk to you - you're his "RA". You're his "fairness" because his WS cheated on him and now he has the attention of another woman and all is "right" in the world. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful person. He sees that. There's just too much other garbage floating around in all of this to make a healthy go right now.

"Going though separation" is a nasty gray area. He needs to be completely out of his old relationship before he can consider one clearly. He's putting you on a pedestal because he's comparing you to his perceived trainwreck of a life. When that pedestal evaporates in 6 months to a year you're both going to be left with a different reality.

I'm positive this isn't what you want to hear. I just know that the threads I started looking for permission to do something I knew wasn't right ended up saving me when 99.9% of the responses said "Don't do it."


little turtle posted 9/3/2013 14:00 PM

I think you should take a break from each other and re-connect again in the future. He's going through a rough time right now and this is no time for you guys to be starting a new relationship. He should be talking with a counselor about these things.

Nature_Girl posted 9/3/2013 14:54 PM

Step back. He needs the company of other good men to walk him through this. He's still married. He's still in the thick of the nastiness. He doesn't need the semi-romantic attention of a compassionate woman right now.

You help him by stepping back and letting him handle his shit.

APRIL2008 posted 9/3/2013 14:59 PM

I knew what was coming. Thank you everyone for the comments. I am going to try and walk away from this without hurting anyone including myself

traicionada posted 9/3/2013 15:17 PM

Don't walk but run as fast as you can't. If possible without looking back

Undefinabl3 posted 9/3/2013 15:24 PM

I think you just need to be honest with him.

There really isn't a way to do this without some hurt coming from it, it's a little to late for that, but I think what you said at the end is perfect.

While you love that you help him, its setting you back in your own healing.

That you have been there before, and that until he has healed from his EX, relationship wise, it just can't happen.

persevere posted 9/3/2013 23:46 PM

Stepping back now is the right call. Move on with your life and he will move on with his healing. If it comes back around later great, but at that point it may not matter...

You can't put your life on hold for anyone - just focus on what is positive for you.

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