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New Beginnings :
How can I help him without getting hurt

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 APRIL2008 (original poster member #19690) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

I met this guy at the start of the year along with a big group of his and my friends. Had a good time and everyone went their seperate ways. Heard from some of his friends a few times but then nothing. Never knew of them agin.

About a month ago I was out at the same place we met and crossed paths with this guy We recognized eachother started talking and ended up going to dinner afterwards.

He is going through a seperation becouse of infidelity. Obviously we could relate,our stories are so similar. Ever since that day we talk every single night for 2 3 4 hours sometimes. It is amazing how we can just talk and talk. Ofcourse he talks alot of everything he is going through. He calls me if he's having a rough day in wich I know I can count on him for the same.

I have been through all of this for a while now, wouldn't say I am over it but further on in the road than he is , but now I am finding myself re-living everything I have been through myself. Talking to him brings back memories, feelings good and bad. I find myself thinking so much of how I can help this person yet I think its taking me back 1000 steps.

Now I must say he is an attractive guy and getting to know him is showing me how he is such a good person. We have spent some nights togeather no Sex, sometimes we have just had some long nights and just fell asleep togeather.

He tells me he has never felt so comfortable with someone,tells me I give him strength. He says he always wants to be honest with me, he can't tell me he loves me becouse he is still in love with his ex. Wich I undertand. He explained that he enjoys my company he has said he is attracted to me but doesn't just want it to be about sex.

I love this persons company, the coversations we have the friendship, but I can also see him as a man, a good man, a really good dad and someone that could be a great partner.

I had always said if someone ...a guy friend would have been there for me, maybe someone that had gone thorugh what I was going through, it would have made my journey alot easier.

Now I have the opportunity to help someone out and I don't know that I can handle the feelings it is bringing on me.

I don't know if its doing me any good.

I don't know how to tell him he is so bulnerable right now

I don't know what I should do.

Me BGF34
DD 16.5
DS 13.5

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

posts: 535   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2008   ·   location: Arizona
id 6472800
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 7:32 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

Step aside. This guy is experiencing his own personal train wreck right now. He is not emotionally healthy.

Do not project your wants and needs onto this situation. It will end badly.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6472808
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 7:43 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

What williesmom said. x1000

Of course he's giddy to talk to you - you're his "RA". You're his "fairness" because his WS cheated on him and now he has the attention of another woman and all is "right" in the world. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful person. He sees that. There's just too much other garbage floating around in all of this to make a healthy go right now.

"Going though separation" is a nasty gray area. He needs to be completely out of his old relationship before he can consider one clearly. He's putting you on a pedestal because he's comparing you to his perceived trainwreck of a life. When that pedestal evaporates in 6 months to a year you're both going to be left with a different reality.

I'm positive this isn't what you want to hear. I just know that the threads I started looking for permission to do something I knew wasn't right ended up saving me when 99.9% of the responses said "Don't do it."

(((APRIL2008)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6472819
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little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 8:00 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

I think you should take a break from each other and re-connect again in the future. He's going through a rough time right now and this is no time for you guys to be starting a new relationship. He should be talking with a counselor about these things.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5648   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 6472847
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Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 8:54 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

Step back. He needs the company of other good men to walk him through this. He's still married. He's still in the thick of the nastiness. He doesn't need the semi-romantic attention of a compassionate woman right now.

You help him by stepping back and letting him handle his shit.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6472937
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 APRIL2008 (original poster member #19690) posted at 8:59 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

I knew what was coming. Thank you everyone for the comments. I am going to try and walk away from this without hurting anyone including myself

Me BGF34
DD 16.5
DS 13.5

“Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"
Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

posts: 535   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2008   ·   location: Arizona
id 6472945
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traicionada ( member #10310) posted at 9:17 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

Don't walk but run as fast as you can't. If possible without looking back

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4020   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 6472976
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Undefinabl3 ( member #36883) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

I think you just need to be honest with him.

There really isn't a way to do this without some hurt coming from it, it's a little to late for that, but I think what you said at the end is perfect.

While you love that you help him, its setting you back in your own healing.

That you have been there before, and that until he has healed from his EX, relationship wise, it just can't happen.

Me: 35 MH
Him: 41 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.
1/26/15 - Started IC for me, DH won't go.
1/10/18 - Again?!? Online EA's

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2012
id 6472986
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persevere ( member #31468) posted at 5:46 AM on Wednesday, September 4th, 2013

Stepping back now is the right call. Move on with your life and he will move on with his healing. If it comes back around later great, but at that point it may not matter...

You can't put your life on hold for anyone - just focus on what is positive for you.

DDay:2011
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

posts: 5329   ·   registered: Mar. 9th, 2011
id 6473400
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