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Multiple D-Days, frustration

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Sparkle0504 posted 9/3/2013 16:28 PM

Like many, I'm sure, I've hovered on the sidelines here in the hope I'll spot a similar situation, with a happy ending that gives me hope for one myself - so far, no cigar!

Put simply, for just over two years (first d-day June 2011), I have lived in the knowledge that my beloved, troubled partner has a seriius SA and is a compulsive liar. We have groundhog day occurances on a regular basis - either random women on adult dating sites or escorts when he can't get a fix for free, the associated lies and botched cover ups (I always know when it's happening), his refusal to discuss, to acknowledge how it affects me. Otherwise we have an amazing relationship - sex included, just so long as we don't mention the War lol. I have no intention of leaving, but it's so, so hard to cope with. I know that some day I'll have to drag myself to safety but there is still the stubborn optimist in me that wants to get him into therapy - to at least try and kill this huge, ugly demon. So few people to be able to talk freely to about it - especially when each d-day (and there are many) hurts as much as the first.

momentintime posted 9/3/2013 17:10 PM

I am so sorry, and feel your pain.

Nothing is going to change because he refuses to acknowledge your pain, or right to a M with only two.

Currently he has no reason to change. He behaves badly, yet you continue to be there for him. In and out of bed. Why would he stop, he has no consequences. He doesn't mind feeding you the Sh*t sandwich as long as it doesn't affect him.

Is this they way you want your future to look? In either the short or long term? If not, the only thing you can change is your reaction. Don't accept his disrespect. Stop being a good wife. Stop doing for him and stop having sex with him. He needs to know his behavior is unacceptable and you will not continue to accommodate him, even in the smallest ways. 180 hard and don't look back. I know, frightening. However nothing will change as it is now. You have nothing more to lose.

movingforward13 posted 9/3/2013 19:02 PM

Nothing is going to change because you are allowing him to cheat on you without consequences.

Instead of getting him into therapy, why don't you look into therapy for yourself so you can figure out why you are allowing this and not leaving him.

heforgotme posted 9/3/2013 23:06 PM

There is a special thread in I Can Relate for people dealing with SAs. You may find the similar situation you are looking for there.

I don't have experience in that particular area, but it seems as though your WH is not learning from his mistakes. And since there are no consequences for his actions, he just continues.

If he won't commit to therapy, I don't see any point in continuing this cycle.

Good luck and please protect your health. He could be exposing you to disease as well....

unarmbears posted 9/3/2013 23:11 PM


You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and he is the one who has to make the changes.

In other words, don't give him the oxygen mask when you are suffocating.

If you aren't going to leave him, then you will need therapy. Save yourself first. Get yourself into a spouse of SA support group (much like AlAnon) to help you gain the strength to make decisions that are good for you.

You cannot change him. He won't do anything to change himself unless he hits the bottom and lies there for a while. It is the case with most addicts.

I am so sorry you are going through this and would LOVE to say "Oh all is great with many people who have married an SA."

There may be success stories, but all those stories begin with the SA doing all he/she can do to repair themselves and their marriages. He isn't doing that and no amount of "nice" is going to get him to that point.

Here is the link to the spouse of SA support thread in the I Can Relate forum. Your frustration is something you share with many in that thread.

Sparkle0504 posted 9/4/2013 02:10 AM

Pretty much what I think too - he's in a situation where nearly all his previous relationships have failed because of the SA and he assumes that I will leave him at some point too. The whole 180 approach seems totally logical, however, he would rather poke his own eyes out than face up to his past (an abusive upbringing, reasons for his failed relationships, etc), he keeps it all VERY close to his chest. The idea of therapy for him is excruciatingly painful - it's like watching a car wreck sometimes:( I tried to talk to him again about it while we were away last week (nearly 300 miles from home) and he walked away (past midnight) saying that he would walk home - and he would've done, rather than stay and open up. I went and found him (he'd managed 12 miles). I know I shouldn't have, but it's the same old story, worried about him, love him.

Meanwhile, I've had counselling myself, can't afford any more at the moment. I get myself checked out regularly.

Were a friend in the same situation, I'd beg her to 180 - hard, too. I know I must at least give it a try. I know he's trading on my "softly softly" approach so far. And I know that it will probably make me more miserable than I have been so far - which is probably why I haven't done it!! Yet.

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