So it is a cycle. The powerlessness of the situation I am facing makes me angry. The lack of the response I hope for from the WW leaves me feeing powerless, which then leads back into anger.
It makes sense to me. So I a going to be trying to work on the anger piece and try to be less responsive. I guess that is the key to 180.
Anyway, hope this makes sense. It did to me.
My therapist made the comment anger turned inward becomes depression. I didn't need any more depression.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I too was engaging with Mr. Integrity this way. I wanted him to "get it" and validate me and understand the gravity of the situation. When he didn't, I would get madder and madder and madder.
Then I realized that I was feeding him. I was giving him exactly what he wanted. He wants a reason to blame me for our problems, to justify why our marriage is going to be over.
Me saying in the direct aftermath of his confession: "I hate you and I would have rather you died than know this is who really are and that I have to continue to have you in life bc of the kids.." well he has been hanging his hat on that one for weeks now. In Divorce therapy, when asked if there was any chance of R- he says "she said he hates me. She kicked me out, she changed the locks, she hates me and has so much vitrol and scorn for me, too much damage has been done..."blah blah blah.
My angry words gave him exactly what he wants- which is a way to not look like it was all his fault. A way to drag me into the ugliness so he can get out of it easier and not take responsibility.
Once I realized that engagement and that anger was helping him, I was better able to stop. I still slip up and engage at times, because I am human and hurting. But it keeps me in check. It is a bit of a game unfortunately....
Pretend you are an actor. My friend said, pretend you are starring in this movie called" Gone Girl." Be so nice and calm, like a chilly lake on still morning. If you act like the old you, she will have to own her actions.
Believe it or not, his mother is the one that gave me that advice. She said, "it can only work to your advantage to be the old you- he can't try to turn things around that way."
It is super hard to do. I had so much hate pouring out of me at the last Divorce Therapist meeting, it was palpable. He was/is terrified of me, and he should be. I am a house of fire....
But I will do better next time. I am starting to get it, and this is a game I can win...
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.