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WH changes I don't understand - omitting is lying!

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CLRhope4her posted 9/3/2013 22:35 PM

My WH never lied to me. Ever. Then the A. He doesn't lie - he omits. He just received his second ticket in two months. Well, I say just....on July 31st. The ONLY reason he said anything was because he has to fly out tomorrow and he forgot to pay it today. His court date is tomorrow and the drive to the airport is 2 hours. So, my poor mom is going to pay it! The last ticket he didn't tell me abut until weeks later and finally decided it was because he felt bad. Apparently not bad enough not to do it again.

He saw ow on the road at a stoplight about two months ago too. Didn't mention it at all though we have a tell me when you see her policy. Just didn't want to listen to all the questions and concerns when it wasn't a big dealer says.

Call me crazy but OMITTING IS LYING?!?! Where did my honest husband go? He says this not the same. It's avoiding conflict on a subject that isn't a big deal.

I'm seriously thinking of just saying forget it. I can live alone - at least I'm honest with myself.

MylarPineapples posted 9/3/2013 22:54 PM

I can relate to your frustration! Most of my WH lying was lying by omission as well, although he did outright lie on a few occasions to cover up his relationships with the OWs. My WH also would do deceptive things (for example, 2008 OW's phone number was labeled with a male coworker's name in his phone), but as long as he was not outright lying to my face he was able to justify all that to himself as just sparing himself from my inevitably unreasonable reactions, as he perceived it at the time.

This is something we have begun to talk about in MC and his IC. The counselor has really been calling him on it, and my WH does now understand and admit that that sort of behavior is just as deceptive as outright lies. I know that it will probably take some time for that whole concept to really click in his brain though, as this behavior is something that's been ingrained in him since childhood. (FOO issues.)

Are you guys in counseling at all? If so I would definitely bring this up. Our MC keeps repeating to us that our most basic foundational problem right now is trust (duh), and I think hearing that in MC helped my WH understand how his behavior undermines my ability to start to trust him again. Not just where infidelity is concerned, but across the board, complete honesty is necessary for trust to start to grow again.

1DumbHusband posted 9/4/2013 00:16 AM

As a FWH, I would tend to agree that omission is lying. I was guilty of the same things in my marriage. I'm working now to not omit anything and to be forthcoming about everything. I'm learning to speak up sooner than later. It takes time and effort.

DeadMumWalking posted 9/4/2013 00:22 AM

Yep, it's lying. It's DECEPTION. That is the core issue.

My WH feels the same - if it's not false words coming out of his mouth it's not lying. NOT!!!!!


ccw82 posted 9/4/2013 00:30 AM

AGREED -- omitting is definitely lying!

Smokehouse posted 9/4/2013 04:46 AM

It is 100% lying. They know they are leaving it out. They are leaving it out on purpose. My WW is doing the same thing. We were "just" texting for five months and not telling you or the OM's wife.

My WW is slowly starting to see I need to know. It helps. There are several questions until I'm satisfied, but, then I'm satisfied. I thank her and move on.

Why can't they just get it!!! The truth does work. I feel better when I get the truth.

Hopefully your WH will start to come around. My WW told me about contact the AP made the other day at her work. But, left out several sentences that she confessed days later. I accused her of lying and she said it was for my benefit. Thanks for fucking looking out for me. Hopefully, after our calm, loving discussion, insert laughter here, she will get it.

catlover50 posted 9/4/2013 06:18 AM

My H lied by omission about things even unrelated to the A. He had detached himself to the point that he didn't feel it was my business that he went on anti-depressants. He got a DUI and didn't tell me. Yikes.

The A made this worse, but it was a protective mechanism he had always had.

Now he feels so much happier being able to share everything openly.

CLRhope4her posted 9/4/2013 06:49 AM

I want him to get back to the open honest man. I just can't figure out how to do that. It's like since the A it's ingrained! And I told him its teaching our 4 year old daughter traits that are not admirable. Still doesn't get it.

catlover50 posted 9/4/2013 14:23 PM

So, in between my Ddays, when my H was still lying about his A, our daughter told me she would never marry a man like him, because he lies to himself. I asked her if she knew something I should and she said no, just that she was disgusted with his self-deception.

Pretty perceptive. He was even lying to his IC at the time.

He didn't become open and honest until a few months after Dday 2,, after more phone records, a polygraph and then finally disclosing his CSA for the first time. He actually said the words (or cried them)--no more lies.

Perhaps your H needs some help with this. I know mine is much more
at peace now.

Eta--our daughter accidentally found out about the CSA. She is now very proud of how her Dad is behaving.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 2:24 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

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