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morethantrying posted 9/4/2013 00:11 AM

Two affairs - long over for one and one year over for another, disclosure and 6 months later. He wrote a letter soon after disclosures (I discovered) and we are moving on...even did a Gottman weekend soon on. BUT, I feel the need for empathy, "inderstands" my pain, but I don't really feel this beasue he has not said this (that I can remember anyway!): I put myself in your shoes. I can imagine what it is like to have discoverd the affairs. If it were the other way around I can imagiine my pain if you slept with TWO DIFFERENT MEN, got naked with them, shared with them, spent money and TIME with them and then lied to the person I supposedly loved and kept it all secret, and took total advantage of my spouse who trusted me 100 percent to be faithful and true. I can imagine the images I would have of my wife having sex and talking and going to movies and dinner and being with them. My question: he is remorseful and doing "everything" right, do I need to get this specific statements from him to and heal and move on? To do this would re-traumatize me, and him and it is worth it in the long run or not? I really, really want to part of me says yes, another no, antoher not sure...caught, stuck and wanting to move on will this give some kind of "closure"...he has "moved on" more than me and is very supportive but...what to do....

cantaccept posted 9/4/2013 05:27 AM

I am not sure if it is "right" or not.

I can empathize with your need for it though.

I crave those words of empathy, remorse, specific words regarding the specific acts and words that still hurt, still cause me pain.

For me I think it would be healing. I think that I need those words and thoughts to reassure me that he truly "gets" the extent of the damage that he caused. That he truly appreciates what I am trying to overcome and what a huge gift the chance for R is. Maybe it is just to prove that he appreciates me.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/4/2013 05:37 AM

Welcome to SI. I am sorry that you had to find yourself here. But I am glad you found us. We understand the pain and confusion you are going through. You are not alone.

Please take the time to read and post here. You will find strength and courage here to heal.

A great place to start is the Healing Library. It is in the yellow box on the upper left side of the screen. There are articles and FAQs there.

There are also a bunch of great threads in Just Found Out Forum. Some of them are:
A Great Post for Newbies to Read
Tactical Primer
Before You Say Reconcile
Boundaries and Consequences 101
They may be a couple pages back but worth the read.

Take care of yourself. Try to eat, try to sleep, try to get some exercise, drink plenty of water. Keep reading and posting. You can survive this. Let us help.

bionicgal posted 9/4/2013 08:33 AM

I suggest that you guys read "How Can I Forgive You" together.

I told my husband early on that I needed that kind of empathy and remorse from him.

struggling16 posted 9/4/2013 08:36 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I wish I had discovered this site right after Dday-the wisdom here is phenomenal.

The need for empathy from the WS is overwhelming. I tried everything to help him realize the depth of my pain-letters, lists of betrayals of trust, reading articles on this site, etc. I even wrote a long story reversing our roles for him to read. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" was very helpful. We read all the books together and discussed them in depth. After 32 months I have come the conclusion that my WH will never completely "get it". He committed to R at discovery. I think my reaction terrified him. He walks the walk and appears completely remorseful. He even brags about how high he scored on empathy on some test he took years ago. I maintain that he was simply very good at faking empathy because someone with true empathy would never inflict this kind of pain on another human being.

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