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Disorienting sense of loss (venting)

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PhantomLimb posted 9/4/2013 01:34 AM

I think I must be "triggering" hard today.

WS/STBXH and I were in the same profession and I just started a new job. Building a lot of presentations from the ground up and I miss having him here to discuss things. I'm doing okay pulling the materials together, but I think we were always stronger as a team. Brings back a lot of good memories.

Also listening to my favorite kind of music while I work: big band, old jazz. Gene Kelly song came on. We used to go see an old movie at the local theater once every couple of weeks. I remember introducing him to Singing in the Rain, Katharine Hepburn. We got married where my favorite old movie stars were married... so it was a central aspect of our relationship. I find it so hard to listen to this music sometimes and not cry, but I refuse to let him ruin it for me, so I listen as long as I can stand it.

Had to go through some old photos to post a profile picture for the new job. I used to make silly costumes and put them on while WS was in the shower so when he came out and came back to the office, he never knew "who" would be sitting there. Found a few of those and remembered, again, how much fun we used to have.

In recent days friends have contacted me to say he's been acting strange lately on social media. Evidently he's been posting like mad and it was to the point that several of them unfriended him. He has kept up our photos and a few of them have noted that it makes them uncomfortable that he is maintaining this façade of sorts in public like everything between us is fine.

In the meantime, he stopped talking to me in May. I asked for NC for a few weeks and had hoped IC and NC would help put us in a better position to manage what was becoming an uncontrolled and tense situation.

Instead, he changed his phone number, moved out of our apartment, changed his office location, blocked his directory info from his business website, changed his email address... leaving no forwarding info.

We had some fights over the years about things like cleaning the house. Never anything hostile. It was like I loved him MORE every year. I was smitten and would have seen us through anything. He was loved in my family like a true son. They are crushed by what he has done and how he has run. Our friends are dumbfounded.

Somehow he's walked away completely.

I think I understand why this site is titled "SURVIVING Infidelity." You don't "recover" from this.

I continue to take care of myself and do what needs to be done. I even find myself laughing with friends again. A few of them are starting to talk about fixing me up. My life is going to go on.

But I think there will be a part of me that always wonders what could have been.

And how heartless must WS be if he never contemplates the same.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:35 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 9/4/2013 02:56 AM

PL, I feel you. Mine is a runner too.

But I think there will be a part of me that always wonders what could have been.

I think this is true to a degree for me also.

But then I don't have all the good memories like you recounted. At 10 months out I still cant recall a good memory that is not tainted (probably because he started cheating 12 years ago).

My disorienting sense of loss is coming more from what I thought could have been and who I thought he could be (his potential as a professional and a person).

Very much admire your strength of resolve. I didn't get the NC down until about 7 or 8 months in

TrustGone posted 9/4/2013 03:26 AM

Unfortunately it comes with the territory. I know that even 10+yrs out from D from XWH#1 I still have memories of some of the good times. We were married for 20+yrs. It does get better after a while. It no longer hurts when I think of him and the life we had together. Indifference does come eventually and all you really feel for them is pity. XWH#1 called today, but I didn't answer. I decided after a NPD stunt he pulled last week that I no longer wanted any more contact with him. Our kids are grown, so I don't need to ever talk to him again, so I am not. WH#2 is still here and refuses to leave. He thinks we are in Reconciliation even though he has not did anything for the last 2yrs but rug sweep and gaslight. I am stuck however due to my health in a marriage I no longer want and he refuses to leave me or our home. I don't know which is worse. One that abandons you or one that stays and you have to detach with them still hanging on to a marriage they already ruined. I think it's a toss up on that one.

Keep your chin up and keep moving forward. Someone like you stbx is not worth having back. The sense of loss will fade over time and you will be happy again. (((HUGS)))

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