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Woke up after a good night's sleep, & we had 'old people' sex--nothing below the waist for me, handjob for him. It was a reconnect, but who knows how long that feeling will last because I'm still so pissed at him.

After dinner, I asked again, why did you go back after the first time with the hooker-slut-prostitute-whore?

He said he thought he was helping her by loaning her money (he's simple, remember, & didn't clue in that she was playing him & I can truly understand this! He's Happy Hank and everyone is honest with him!) and besides that, "it" felt good and after 10 years, he wasn't getting any at home.

It was really closer to 25 years of celibacy, but I didn't say that. Instead, I asked "Did you not even think to ask me about maybe doing it again before you went back to do "loan" money and poor thing couldn't pay you back but she could do *this* for you, and you did it again and again with HER?" He said no, he figured it was a closed door at home. I said he didn't even give me the courtesy or respect of asking.

I also said I wanted to smack him, punch him in the face, choke him and punch his body to give him a bit of the hurt I'm feeling, but added that he knows I'm not a violent person so wanting to cause him hurt is just me still hurting from the betrayal.

I told him again not to expect any gifts for his birthday this month, & I wanted to make sure he understood that. Also added that for my birthday, Christmas, our anniversary, and Valentine's Day, he could give me $800 for each event, since that's the total of what he loaned to the hooker-whore-slut-prostitute, and I was his wife and worth at least that. That's the price for all gift-giving holidays and special days from now on, until I tell him differently. He was seeing her during these events so now payback's gonna be a bitch and cost him some serious money at $800 a pop. Not very mature of me right now, but I'm hurt and pissed. How could he give me those sweet cards for my birthday and our anniversary and Valentine's Day, and go out on me, lie to me and betray me? HOW can a person do that?!?!? Because he thought he could get away with it, ad infinitum.

Here's what I think I know from life on the planet ... people change their behavior when they are inconvenienced, have to pay a good amount of money, or when the consequence is so bad that they will comply with something just to avoid the consequence. People are very seldom altruistically motivated to change. There has to be an external source of uncomfortableness or aversion to facilitate change.

Hope2B ... with a better attitude one of these days, but it may be a while

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:03 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Hope2B, you are not alone. My WW has used the same excuse to explain her decision to have multiple affairs during our 10 1/2yr marriage. 1st affair started about 2 1/2 years into the marriage.

Her excuse was that she was sexually frustrated because my libido was low and I did not act like a sexual predator with her every day.

My part in this was that I was a poor communicator at that time in our marriage and didn't like talking about sexual dysfunction. My wife decided to "give in to the advances of a man who was in relentless pursuit of her" and reasoned that what her husband didn't know couldn't possibly hurt him.

When her affairs came to light: her answer to the question "why" was that since she didn't feel like insisting on bringing up the topic of sexual dysfunction with me, she thought that she would "spare me" the stress of her sexual appetite by getting her gratification elsewhere. When asked why she continued with her affairs even though our marriage and sex life improved years later, her response was that she was "hooked" on the taboo/naughty nature of having a secret affair and once again stated that she believed that what her husband didn't know couldn't possibly hurt him.

I fully empathize with you about your frustrations that your husband didn't come to you first to get the attention he sought. It is clearly a lack of courtesy and respect for WS to act like that.

I'm the type that would have sex with her husband every hour, every day if he wants it. My friend even was cool with having 3 somes with her man so long as she's one of the 3.

Lo and behold we BOTH got cheated on STILL.

That tells you that it's not about sex. It's about the cheater being messed up.

Hugs your way.

((((Hope2B))))

I was just thinking today that I was always the sexually adventurous one in my M, kept it fresh and exciting, planned the romantic trips away, etc. My H never so much as bought a tube of lube, nor brought up the subject of sex one time.

And the illicit sex was apparently unsatisfying.

So, it makes no sense. It's not about us!