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There is a quote I have in my scrapbook after my mom died--I was beginning to do better. I thought I was doing better. But then the holidays just hit."
Recently it was our anniversary. I didn't think I would want to do anything. I don't always feel like we are still married (this is hard to explain--in a relationship yes, but married? I don't know. Marriage is sacred and he violated the contract). I am in fake-it-til-you-make-it mode. There are days that he is quiet and I want to run away from him and never look back, but I don't. I go hold his hand or link my arm through his. This helps. So I followed the same thing for our anniversary. I didn't want to do anything or even acknowledge it, but I did. I planned a special, surprise trip for the two of us. It was fun. It was wonderful. I had 2 really good days of us. Then it was the actual day of our anniversary and I am SO SAD. It turned out to be the last day of our trip and I couldn't even fake happy. And now I am still there. I am still so incredibly sad.

Lucy17, I know exactly how you feel. Please do something special for yourself. I have spent so much time focusing on my WH and kids over the year that I did not take care of me. Get your nails done, go see a movie, anything. Be sure to read the 180. I wish I had more words of wisdom. Just know I am sending you a hug and lots of positive thoughts.

I understand how you feel completely. I am sorry that you felt sad on your anniversary. I was thinking the same thing you wrote about this morning. We are married, but it doesn't feel like it anymore. He is not mine anymore, he violated the sanctity of the marriage. He had a long affair and told the OW he wanted to marry her, that she was the ONLY one for him. When I found out about the A, he begged for me not to leave. He said he didn't mean anything he told her, he can't explain what he was thinking. He says he just doesn't know why he did it, or kept it going. There was a significant amount of drinking on his part during that time. I don't think that excuses anything he did. Now when he says he wants to stay and and work things out, but I think about what he told her, and how was it he was so willing to throw away 21 years of marriage and a family to be with her. He worked so hard to impress her and make her feel special with lavish gifts & surprise trips, he never did that for me in 21 years. He wasn't particularly romantic in our marriage, and if we ever did do anything, I had to plan it. He was lazy with us, complacent. I grew that way too. He spent a lot of time and energy focusing on the OW, and her child while he abandoned me and our 4 children. We are together trying to reconcile, but it isn't the same, and it never will be again. I don't even wear my wedding ring much. He asked me why. I said it feels more like it is a cocktail ring now, it doesn't have the meaning or the value that it used to. I take it on and off as I would any other piece of jewelry. I wish the sadness would go away, but he is a reminder of the pain he caused. I disagree with the old cliche, time doesn't heal all wounds - it merely dulls the pain. I am sending Hugs your way. It sounds like you are trying, and that your trip was a step in the right direction. I hope you find happiness again one day. I hope that for us all.