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why shouldn't I do the same?

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ionlytalkedtoher posted 9/4/2013 07:43 AM

I am sure others have asked this on here.

Today, I am feeling angry.

I just think, why shouldn't I just go out and have an EA at least--not with a married man but an available one.

my husband can forgive me right? I mean thats what he expects me to do.

madsadalone posted 9/4/2013 07:51 AM

Because you are not selfish and in desperate need of an ego stroking!

sailorgirl posted 9/4/2013 08:00 AM

Because you want to be able to look your kids in the eyes and say, "I keep my promises."

Because you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and think, "I am honest and faithful."

Because sneaking, lying and using people is not going to fix your problems or even make you feel good.

Williesmom posted 9/4/2013 08:07 AM

2 wrongs do not make a right.

Respect yourself.

simpleD posted 9/4/2013 08:07 AM

Don't do it... It will NOT make you feel better. A revenge A will make the situation worse by filling both sides of your marriage with more deceptions & lies. It may also reduce the changes of R. Think of your children. Be the honorable, respectful mother that they need.

Bikingguy posted 9/4/2013 08:08 AM

Because you know first hand how deep the pain of infidelity is.

Because you are better than lying, cheating, and hiding.

Bikingguy posted 9/4/2013 08:10 AM

I totally get what you are thinking. II have had those same thoughts. But no way I could live with the guilt, shame and there are 3 little faces that look up to me and I don't want to change that! If it ever comes to that I would leave first.

2married2quit posted 9/4/2013 08:22 AM

I know exactly how you feel. It is unfair the pain you are feeling and your WS is only feeling guilt. However, you have the higher ground. So if you want to move on, finish things properly and move on with your moral on high.

Hugs. I've been there too.

ascian posted 9/4/2013 09:11 AM

Because it doesn't move you closer to the goal you want to achieve.

At least that's my answer when I start to ask myself that. I felt similarly to you yesterday, angry at my WW and angry at my former friend.

But I try to keep in mind what I want: I want to stay married, I want a healthy relationship with my wife, and me enacting any revenge fantasies wouldn't do a thing to help me get those things.

So I didn't. I talked with my wife last night, after the kids were in bed and we'd both done our workouts. We didn't laugh, exactly, but found amusement in that we'd both had moments where we wished reconciliation was as simply as evening out a balance sheet that way.

Hang in there, remember what you want and what you need, and work towards those things.

JanaGreen posted 9/4/2013 09:16 AM

Because that's using someone to make yourself feel better. It's selfish.

In addition to being unfair to the person you're using, it throws gas on the fire of your home situation.

1ost0ne posted 9/4/2013 09:29 AM

I'll take it one step further. How about not having an PA at all and just making it up? In the end, you would only hurt yourself.

IOTTH - I feel your anger. We have been stomped on and feel that there should be punishment for the offender. If a WS destroyed your private property, they would have to reimburse you and probably serve some time in jail. If a WS destroys your heart, innocence and trust, they get off without a slap on the wrist. It's an awful justice system.

Nohopeleft posted 9/4/2013 12:16 PM

I totally understand where you are coming from. Especially after my WS had 2 revenge affairs.

I could never do it. As badly as I would love for him to feel the same pain that I have felt the last year and a half, I could never live with myself.

Josephine01 posted 9/4/2013 12:21 PM

I understand. . . I really do. But, in the long run, It wont make you look like the bigger person. I know he has inflicted so much pain on you, but do you really want someone else to feel this kind of hurt at your hands? Your kids will find out so will others. All of a sudden you will be the bad guy and not him. I sucks.

I know what you mean though. I would like for my H, to feel for one day the pain I have gone through for fours years. Then he'd finally get it.

krazy8516 posted 9/4/2013 12:22 PM

When I first suspected my H was having an affair (before I actually even knew), this was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind. I literally thought, "Two can play at this game." And then I threw up. I was horrified that I had even so much as considered it.

I get what you're saying though.

TrulySad posted 9/4/2013 14:23 PM

I sometimes think being happy is a far better form of revenge.

And I don't have to use someone, or cheapen myself to do it

iggyD posted 9/4/2013 14:45 PM

As others have said, it's hard for those thoughts not to enter. I certainly have thought about it more than once.

But the truth is, it likely won't hurt them nearly as much as it did us and if they don't appear to be a devastated, then what?

What would hurt my fWH the most would be divorcing him because of what he did. Knowing that he threw all of our years together, history, the life we've built for an ego-boost away, would hurt him far worse than a RA.

Safeguard posted 9/4/2013 17:07 PM

I wouldn't say your using someone to make your self feel better, presuming, your both adults, and you lay it on the line...but if your not "wired" to find relief, from your reality, in fantasy...
then you won't achieve your end goal. "I did it, cause you did it", will only make you feel worse, if your a person of conscience, and will just compound your misery.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 5:12 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

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