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Right now I am sitting/laying on the living room couch. I should be at work, but I am in excruciating pain. I pulled a muscle in my lower back when I was in junior high, and ever since then I will get infrequent back spasms. My weight fluctuates with the tides, taking swings of up to 75 lbs. i lose weight quickly with regular exercise, but I have no metabolism to speak of otherwise so weight quickly piles back on. Currently I am hovering aroumd an all-time high for me. I also have a long torse and short legs, which coupled with my weight puts a large amount of stress on my lower back and hips. Couple all of this with the amount of time I spend in my work van and it can be an unpleasant experience.

So I had started feeling some added discomfort yesterday morning (I was called into work overnight on Monday and spent many hours in the van). I knew it didn't feel good but not worse than usual really. I had a hockey game last night, and I usually feel better after getting out there and sweating and warming up the muscles. Well, this time was quite different. My back tightened up worse than I have ever experienced. The pain was unbearable just trying to climb into my truck afterwards (thank God TCD was there to drive!). When we got home, it was a major struggle to get into the house, I could barely even pull off the old man shuffle. After a hot shower and some pain meds, I laid on the bed amd TCD came into the room. We discussed some issues that had been bothering us. Like the other night, it wasn't pleasant, but we handled ot much better than our past conversations, no yelling or fighting. When we were done she was noticably upset, but my back hurt so badly I needed her help with everything. I know she was unhappy about it, because she had to work through her internal pain to help me deal with my external pain. It made me sad for more than one reason. One, I felt like she felt it was necessary to stuff her feelings while dealing with me. Two, I hated myself for ever having put us in this position where she helps me with a certain level of disdain, for lack of a better word. Ithurts that either of us would feel bad about ourselves for helping each other.

I woke up this morning in no better shape. It took five minutes to shuffle out of bed. Showering was relatively easy, though toweling off was a little less so. Getting dressed took twenty minutes. Getting into my truck took five more. Driving to work was painful in itself... Every short stop, every bump may as well have been a landmine. I should have just called out from home. I'm clearly in no shape to work. But if I call out, it means no overtime pay. The overtime pay is what will allow me to build our savings or pay off ourbills so we I can help make the changes in our life that will help TCD heal and heal our M. I feel bad that I can't work. I've always felt a duty to my job, and while I think that is necessary to an extent, I have made great strides in not putting work before my M and my family. I really feel like I'm letting TCD and the family down by being home right now. I just can't do it... Other than my abcessed molars that lead to a double root canal, I have never been in so much pain. I apologize for rambling... Thanks for reading.

ETA: There are more typos than I feel the motivation to correct.

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 7:46 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

TTMU,

Sorry you're in pain. Back issues suck.

From what it sounds, it's easier to maintain the back issues with weight control? Time to be proactive in your healing. (Ever heard that before? ) Bust out that gym membership and get jiggy with it once you can get off the couch again.

I've been where you're at. Trouble befalls and our BS is "obligated" to take care of us. It's not fair is it?

Three weeks after emotionally destroying my husband, I had to trek north to say goodbye to my dying grandmother. She was losing her mind, her body was weakening, and time was running out.

That trip was a nightmare. QS didn't want to sit in the same room as me, let alone sit in a car with me for 12 hours, let alone hand me Kleenex as I cried over my grandmother. He's not a heartless man, but after my emotional homicide, I'm sure it was more than difficult for him to support me.

Six months later, she died and we had to go thru the drama all over again. At that point, we sorta had a better grip of our situation, but that anger thing was creeping in. QS is incredible. That's all I got to say.

Keep working at it TTMU. Keep communicating with TCD.

I agree with all of what Aubrie said.

My wife has had chronic lower back issues for most of her life. One thing that has really helped her immensely is yoga, and the stretches she has learned from yoga. It can really do wonders for your flexibility. I've tried yoga a few times, and it can really be a sweat-breaking workout! Just wanted to throw that out there as a possible suggestion.

Hang in there, and keep working and fighting.

I can sympathize, I deal with a lot of back related issues due to scoliosis and arthritis in my spine (and I'm only 36!!) Heating pad my friend and motrin to help with the inflammation.

I can't speak for TCD, but my husband has similar feelings as you do, about letting us down. He won't drag himself to the dr. until he's half dead. This frustrates me because if he'd go earlier then he'd get treatment faster ergo, less pain later on. He's learning though! Last month he had a sinus infection, he asked me to make him an appointment!!! SHOCKER! 2 years ago he had one so bad he was vomiting from the pain and I had to force him to go. It got so infected he was out of work for like 4 days. This time he caught it early enough he got meds and healed fairly quickly.

I have *NO* issues caring for him when he is sick. It is something I can do that makes me feel needed and appreciated. I'm a "fixer" and this helps me. It shows he trusts me and that I can do for him.

I never ever equate him being sick or in pain and missing work with him not being able to provide for us. Quite the opposite. He works so hard for us, he runs himself ragged! There are times I WISH he'd call out but he doesn't. That's when I get frustrated too! I'm like DUDE! You're barely able to walk and you're telling me you can work on your feet for 12 hours today??? MMM kay, don't text me and complain today! THen when he gets home he falls into bed practically.

So take care of yourself, know that in order to provide you MUST be healthy! Don't kill yourself trying too hard.

I just wanted chime in to ask if you think maybe you herniated a disc? Symptoms sound like it. Please go see your doctor!!!

Mysticpenguin-I wouldn't rule out anything. If there is no improvement tomorrow I will be going to the ER, because I need muscle relaxers or something!

But overall, I just feel really crappy today. I know TCD is repressing feelings while she helps me out today. She is not treating me badly, but I can see it in her face and hear it in her voice. I am just so uncomfortable having her help me. I'd rather struggle through on my own than give her more reason to resent/hate me.

And I know it sounds out of the blue, but I am a little saddened about the unlikelihood of being "intimate" with TCD anytime soon. Even if I was healthy, she would be in no mood, and once I AM healthy she will be in no mood.

Really, it's just a miserable day all around.

TTMU, sorry about your back. That stinks that you're in so much pain.

I can't speak for TCD of course, but last month 1DH's grandmother passed away. I had to be there with him as he grieved the loss of his grandmother. We also had to drive 5 hours to Houston to get there, then 5 hours back. The car ride was not fun! It was also painful for me because most of his *quite large* family looks at us as the "ideal" couple. We even had a family member comment that they love keeping up with us on Facebook, and how they view us as being "so perfect for each other." (I used to think so, too. )

Nevertheless, it wasn't difficult for me AT ALL to care for 1DH in his time of need. It was second nature for me to hold his hand or wrap my arms around him when he needed comforting. Even though I'm angry, hurt, and confused, it doesn't take away from the fact that I love him more than anything!

CCW- That it was what just about everyone felt about us as well, on both sides of the family. We've been together since I was 17 and TCD was 16. Her family constantly reminisces about the first time they met me, and how good I was with their young kids and all of that. It feels like such a masquerade now when we are around them. And when we go to my parents' house, my dad is constantly saying things to my daughters about what a good guy I am and what a nice guy and all that... It hurts and I have to bite my lip every tiem.

I do want to clarify that TCD is going out of her way to help me through my pain. She isn't saying anything about resenting me or hating me... That's jist how I would imagine she would feel after all I have put her through. She even cancelled plans witha a friend and her kids today to stay home and take care of me. All of these feelings I am sharing realky are just extensions of how awful I feel. TCD is being teriffic, and I couldn't ask for more, i just know that I am putting her in a tough spot. I love her so much...

TTMU, your conscience is eating you alive because you feel TCD is treating you better than you deserve. That to me says you are NOT a horrible person, but a good person who did some pretty horrible stuff. A horrible person wouldn't feel as badly and remorseful as you do right now.

Just keep reminding TCD how honestly appreciative you are of her love, devotion, and support. Tell her how lucky you are to have such a caring, beautiful woman stand by your crippled side.

Zero improvement... In fact it might be worse. So, a trip to the hospital is in the very near future.

And of course our stupid dog had to go and make a huge mess in the kitchen for TCD to clean up (puke, pee and poop... The triple crown of dog ownership). I am nothing but a burden right now. TCD deserves better than this. She is blowing off plans once again to take care of this sorry sack... Instead of the kids spending the day at the park with their mom, they're stuck in the house. This really just blows. I try to look for the positives, and I guess if I'm home it means I'm not at work and OW is out of the picture.

One more silver lining: you get a little bit extra time with the kids! Even though you're laid up right now, you still got a little extra time with the kids even if it was just your presence. That means a lot to kids...especially when they're young! It's a lesson I'm learning more every day. Today, the baby had a fever so we stayed home with him. Granted I didn't get a whole lot of work done, but it was quality time with the baby while he's in this stage. I wouldn't trade it for the world! Just trying to help find the bright spot in all this for you!

Today I had a nasty little kidney procedure that has sat my butt down on a chair and put a damper in our anniversary weekend..... I can relate to being hurt in more ways then one!!!

T

I sympathize - my H is in terrible shape right now due to a herniated disc and the resulting sciatica. The only thing that's helped him so far is hydrocodone. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope you and TCD have a good weekend.

That's jist how I would imagine she would feel after all I have put her through.

I hope you have stopped imagining what she's feeling and are actually talking to her about it. I guarantee you her words will be more truthful than anything you might be guessing.

Hope you heal quickly.

The ER gave me muscle relaxers and painkillers yesterday. At first it didn't seem to do anything, but by last night I could feel that it was starting to work. Right now, I feel pretty close to better. There are still a few motions that seem to cause that twinge of pain, but the change has been dramatic to say the least.

NIK- I know that she didn't really feel that way. I did let her know how I feel, how I felt guilty for her needing to care for me while I am hurting. She told me that she didn't mind taking care of me. But I know she's got a million other things on her mind that she is pushing down so I still feel badly for her.