Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Can SA's be good parents too?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

dindy posted 9/4/2013 07:49 AM

Following on from my previous thread about AP's (and WS's) having more than one affair, I've realised that my ex is probably a SA. He cheated on his, and me, and possibly on me more than once.

This has got me thinking that he will probably cheat in all his relationships. He told me at the beginning of our relationship that he cheated on his ex before me because they were having a tough time. So obviously this is what he does when the going gets tough and reality kicks in.

My concern is that our two young children are going to grow up with him being a liar and a cheat throughout all his relationships and this is going to have a negative effect on them.

I really hope I'm wrong about this. I know I can't change him and all I can do is be the stable parent who can teach my children that relationships can be tough but by working through things together as a team, they can be better than ever.

I just don't want his issues harming my kids.

TrulySad posted 9/4/2013 09:42 AM

The sad reality is his actions already have harmed the kids. The stress it puts on a family, and sometimes the split of it...I think the children end up carrying the burdon, no matter how much we try to keep it from them.

All we can do it be there for them. Lead by example, even when we don't have the energy to. Continue to be their parent, and not make them feel like they have to grow up sooner than they should. And don't let them into their parent's dirty secrets. We are already so familiar with how painful the A's are on us. The last thing we should do is expose our children to them, and put that pain and stress in their life.

I couldn't control my ex husband's actions, but I could my own. And today I have five beautiful, well rounded, happy, children (to include two who are adults with very different morals than their father). I am so proud of the way we all survived that time, and how they stayed on track, having the childhood they deserved.

It can be done You just have to be the one to say there is no choice.

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 10:01 AM

I agree, damage has already been done.

My husband is SA and my kids have definitely been harmed. However he's now trying to repair his relationship with our children.

However, they have to WANT to be better, it takes a LOT of therapy, sex addiction work, etc. If they don't WANT to get help, then they won't. you can't help him, you can't fix him.

Nature_Girl posted 9/4/2013 10:16 AM

I want to start out by saying that being a repeat cheat doesn't mean someone is a sex addict. There is SO much more than just sexual infidelity to sexual addiction.

That being said, I don't think ANY addict, be it sex, drugs, booze or whatever, is a good parent if they are active in their addition/acting out. An addict will ignore & hurt everything else in their life to get their fix, including children.

Having said THAT, the court doesn't care if a parent is a SA when it comes to deciding custody & visitation. The only way the court will care is if the SA has already molested the children or has had them in the car/the house when being serviced by a prostitute or having a swinger/S&M party. Most addicts don't have sexual tastes that run to the pedophilia/hebephilia side of things, BTW.

Finally, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, if one's spouse is an addict it is most likely that you have some dysfunctional coping skills already, too. So if your kids haven't internalized the addict's mental & behavioral poison, they've internalized yours. When you live with an addict, the damage is already done.

dindy posted 9/4/2013 12:22 PM

Well I don't think ex is a sex addict but definitely a serial cheater.

TrulySad, you're words have encouraged me and I hope that ex's actions don't have or already have had a negative impact on them. My DS was quite depressed for a while but seems to be a lot happier now. And my DD was really unsettled with all of the change and moving to a new flat. Though she too seems much calmer and happier.

I am in a much better place too and I know my children are in a better place because of this.

I will make sure they don't have to grow up too quickly because of this.

Thank you for your replies.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy