Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: solstice (46049)

User Topic: Coping
Dadtryingtocope
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have another event to work through this coming weekend/week. My EW is marrying the affair partner in the Caribbean. Using our timeshare that I gave up in the divorce. We were just divorced in April. My Dday was just a little over a year ago.

To me its just crazy. I'm working to get through life and adjust. Not sure how you move on to a new marriage already. I'm sure its out of need and to thumb your nose at your old friends and family that said it would never work. Just my two cents there.

I cope a lot of ways like everyone here. Music gets me through and some of it triggers too. This is my current listen by Three Days Grace. Probably does a little of both.

Chalk Outline by Three Days Grace:

"I've been cursed
I've been crossed
I've been beaten by the ones
That get me off

I've been cut
I've been opened up
I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved

You left me here
Like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk
Waiting for the rain to wash away
Wash away

You keep coming back
To the scene of the crime
But the dead can't speak
And there's nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind
Is a chalk outline

I've been cold
In the crypt
But not as cold as the words across your lips
You'll be sorry baby
Someday
When you reach across the bed
Where my body used to lay

You left me here
Like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk
Waiting for the rain to wash away
Wash away

You keep coming back
To the scene of the crime
But the dead can't speak
And there's nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind
Is a chalk outline

All you left behind
Is a chalk outline

(All you left behind)
You left me here
Like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk
Waiting for the rain to wash away
Wash away

You keep coming back
To the scene of the crime
But the dead can't speak
And there's nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind
Is a chalk outline"


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The OM is going on his honeymoon and is sleeping in a bed where his new wife's XH slept?????? EEEWWWW That shows you just how FdUp these people are!!!!! YUCK! He can't even fork out the money for a hotel? Is this guy a gold digger? He'll be sleeping with someone else soon.

It seems crazy because it is crazy.

Like an alcoholic who gets a DWI and goes out drinking and driving the next weekend. Unbelievable actions to a sane person.

If it helps you any, I found out the OW is cheating on my XWH already. She just got D 5 months ago. It'll happen in your XW case, too. The guy seems like a loser.

Sorry this is happening to you. Breathe......


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Jan 2012
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After going through all this and reading SI, I firmly believe that many people (WS's I mean) just don't get the seriousness of marriage. I've been divorced 1.5 years and I could NEVER imagine getting married to anyone right now or anytime in the future. I don't even think about it. In fact a friend of mine who is also getting divorced asked me last week over a beer if I would ever get married again. I told him at this time...no way in hell. Right now I feel like marriage is overrated at my age. If you can find someone who wants to be with you without all the strings attached of finances, joint property, etc that's good enough for me. I can't even harbor the idea yet of even living with someone for a very long time. But one thing I do know, if I was ever to get married again there would without question be a pre-nup. I will never entangle my finances with someone else again. I will buy a house and the only name on the deed will be mine. My bank accounts included.

This marriage of hers will collapse you will see. Then get the popcorn ready and sit back to watch the show. Keep telling yourself..."It just doesn't matter."


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Dadtryingtocope
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sean. You are right about the pre-nup if it happens again. For two reasons. A. I'm not being taken to the cleaners again. I spent years building and she destroyed it in a few short months. Now I rebuild from the rubble.

B. I'm not risking what I have set up for my kids at this point. All of what I have is really now for them.

I'm not opposed to marriage. I think I probably will some day. With the right person, who wants to be with me for the right reasons. Then again, didn't most of us think we were doing that the first time too.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTTC, you took the M and your vows seriously. Your family was about more than just your needs. With your EW...well not so much. This isn't a demonstration of how she's moved on in some healthy way (i.e. grown up). It shows how much she has regressed. She's off chasing unicorns with someone who, as homewrecked pointed out, is likely a gold-digger of sorts.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your EWW. C'mon, say it with me your "ewwww". That's her name from now on, lol.

My xWH and his OW#umpteen announced their engagement in June, a year from the day of our D. I think Sean nailed it. These waywards don't value marriage. They just value being wanted/thought perfect/admired.

My xWH will be moving OW#umpteen into our house. That we chose & was built specially for us. My fixtures, applicances, floor coverings, all chosen by me. And he doesn't give a flying fuck. It means nothing to him.

I'm not averse to remarrying. I loved being married. Loved being a wife and all that it entailed. I still want that. And I still think it's possible. My xWH may have stolen my money, financial security and 10 years of my life, but I'll be damned if I let him steal my hope.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
hopeandchange
♂ 33287
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. Yes, the WS do not value M and seek their own gratification witot regard to the destruction left behind

My stbxww still behaves towards me in ways that can be cruel and cannot understand why this is damaging. Stbxww cannot use "I" when "apologizing. Iusually "it was awful" a if she had no control

SI helps me cope alpng with IC. Most do not understand the devastation of infidelity

To me, M and pre-nip are incompatible. I am all in or not M and so one consequence of her A and our D is that I will probably never remarry

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 408 | Registered: Sep 2011
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xWH may have stolen my money, financial security and 10 years of my life, but I'll be damned if I let him steal my hope.

cayc nailed it.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4284 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to believe in the "the hope" but I just realistically don't see it out there anymore. Not after the things I've experienced in my life in such a short amount of time. I think the only way I would ever consider marriage again is if a woman absolutely knocked me head over heels off my feet. I have for a while been seeing someone but I've been very upfront with her that I am in no way looking to get married right now nor even live with someone. I have a child to get to college in the next four years and that's job one. So far she seems very agreeable to that, but I know feelings can change and some people want more after a while.

I think those that get married in such a short time after a divorce or discovery of an affair have serious self esteem issues. They need to be identified through acceptance or validation. They figure if they can't get it from you they will get it somewhere else. It's the basis for a lot of affairs. I know my xWW's was. But I refuse to be a kiss ass to someone I'm in a relationship with and constantly have to stroke their egos. It was just never my style and such a turn off to me.


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to believe in the "the hope" but I just realistically don't see it out there anymore.

That's too bad that you feel that way. I'm the complete opposite and have made it a priority to be so. Bitterness is unbecoming not just in romantic relationships but across the board. It freezes you emotionally and keeps people at bay, which is no way to live. I am more hopeful than I've been in years. I feel stronger and better able to handle ridiculousness, even when it comes from an SO, and now that I'm living an authentic life and not being conned, things are looking brighter than ever.

I think those that get married in such a short time after a divorce or discovery of an affair have serious self esteem issues.

Well, we all define "a short time" differently. But I think it's a little unfair and disingenous to imply that wanting to remarry equals self esteem issues. Wanting to be validated by a relationship? Well sure. Not feeling okay with oneself if you're not in a relationship? Of course. But wanting one? Wanting marriage? Wanting that type of commitment? I still fail to see what's wrong with that. And I still refuse to quash the hope that I can have that.

DTTC, I dont' mean to thread jerk discussing my comfort level with remarrying eventually because I think what hurts more than your ewwwww remarrying so quickly is more that she's co-opting pieces of your life as if they had no significance whatsoever. That's like being betrayed all over again imho. If she wants her shiny AP, can't she at least fucking start over completely????

And quite frankly while most here argue for indifference towards the WS after D, I personally don't. I'm good with harboring the desire for karma. I look forward to posting about it when it comes. I've even already saved a nifty gif about it in photobucket for that celebratory day. If your celebratory day arrives before mine, PM me and I'll let you use it too


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never said anything about being bitter so much as being realistic. I realistically never want to feel that kind of betrayal and pain again. I'm realistic that I never want to trust someone that blindly again. I'm realistic in now understanding that everyone, no matter who they are, have their own personal agendas.

This experience has opened my eyes. It doesn't mean I won't be involved with someone again. I just doubt I will ever leave myself THAT vulnerable again. I don't have to be married to prove that. I think if you asked the woman I am seeing she would never once tell you that I act bitter. I'm just more careful to read people. No love does not conquer all. And the reality is people will attempt to do things that make themselves happy regardless of how it can hurt others. I just have learned to insulate myself from it quite a bit more so this won't happen again.


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro, Get yourself an expensive cigar and a good single malt whiskey. Sit back and watch the show that's about to follow. Trust me, in 6 months your gonna be telling us about how Karma has taken a big bite out of her cheating ass. I know you must feel like shit right now. But your going to have the last laugh here.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5908 | Registered: Nov 2007
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like your being replaced with a newer model. And you are. But that model has a bunch of flaws. Will she keep the newer flawed model or opt for a newer model that is even more flawed.

My XH married 2weeks after our divorce was final. DDay to remarriage less than 6 months. It was painful. And trust me they did all they could to inflict as much pain as they could. That was 10 years ago, they are still together, although I wonder if she is having an affair. She has XH on a VERY short leash. Good for her-he needs it. More power to her.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, September 5th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When this 40 y/o loser was telling me he was ready to introduce 24 y/o OWUmpteen to my then 2 and almost 5 year olds as his GF 20 weeks after S following a 3m False R of beging/pleading the sad clown wrote something like "you just don't understand I am no longer broken which is why I am capable of now being in a loving relationship."

It made me laugh then as it makes me laugh now. They all think a bandaid is going to fix the giant gaping hole inside them. I was that bandaid once too.

You know how this story goes - I do too. We've lived it. Rainbows and unicorns and promises of love and protection, then problems fixed with love bombing followed by a very long, slow and painful death of that false 'love'.

It is the only way they know how to love.

I know exactly the kind of husband and man that he is - OWUmpteen or any of the others before/after her are more than welcome to him.

I'm betting he wastes the rest of his life in the pursuit of a childish fairytale.



I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5735 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Dadtryingtocope
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, September 6th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all. The hard part like I said is just trying to understand it. And that is probably a waste of time because it is not rational thinking. I mean she looked a number of us in the eye a year ago when all of this hit the fan and said "Oh I'll never be married again". Now its a year later and your tying the knot. Crazy. Well my friends call her crazy bitch and it's with good reason.

I will fill my weekend with activities. Going out of town for training (CrossFit training). So I will be getting stronger mentally and physically.

As far as Karma, I guess we'll see. I don't think you can wait and see if it happens. That just gives you more disappointment when/if it doesn't. Of course if it does, I'll be posting all the details right here.

cayc - I agree. Why can't she start over with her new life. Why use our timeshare property (I don't know she is staying in same place but still using our week). Better yet since you are married now why do you need to keep collecting money from me? I understand the whole CS needs. But why can't you now really asses your true need and be satisfied with that? She will never give up her payday however. Never. I just continue to tell myself its a 5 year deal that is 10% done already.

The bright note for me. She'll be changing her name. She certainly does not deserve to carry mine.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Dadtryingtocope
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I thought the wedding was this past weekend and got word that it was actually today. At the same time I got an email from my attorney stating he had sent the final paper work for the QDRO which gives her 25% of my retirement. So she got married to her AP, less than 5 months from our D, 1 year after Dday. They are in the Caribbean using the timeshare property I gave up in the D. And as a wedding gift here's another 50k from my retirement. And yay I get to work another 5+ years to replace that money.

Add onto it I still have 2 hurting kids who by the way didn't get to be a part of this wedding so thanks for including them into this new "family" you are setting up. Oh and I'll stay here and clean up all the fallout you left behind with our "Aspie" child because he is really doing great trying to understand all this as his last year has been completely turned around. Thanks for all that.

WTF. Greedy, lying, selfish bitch. Oh and the winner you are marrying, well he's a cheater too. So good luck with that. WTF.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry about your kids. That is heartbreaking that she's just disregarded them like that. Thank goodness they have you.

Quickie marriages rarely bode well. I predict lots of delightfully delicious karma coming her way. And a tax bill that she won't be able to afford to pay when she does realize that money from you ... Tho with her new shiny M I might be tempted to go back to court over it.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3208 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand.

They are in the Caribbean using the timeshare property I gave up in the D. And as a wedding gift here's another 50k from my retirement. And yay I get to work another 5+ years to replace that money

Never ending gall. The WS stabs you in the back and then wants you to pay them for the damage. I know it just sticks in your throat and just burns.

It will go away some day, maybe not now but some day it will. I promise you. And you will look back and be glad you got out with only part of your skin removed. It just takes awhile especially since this has moved pretty fast to see this just because your heart and soul won't move that fast....but trust me, down the road you will thank your lucky stars that you are not tied to that ship anymore.


Posts: 5707 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
cdagal
♀ 38154
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you. The pain at being replaced is difficult, made even more so by the speed and apparent ease with which it happened.
My XH waited only 36 days after the divorce was final (and that included the 31 days for any appeal). He had already moved her into our home months before.
I can tell you that it does get better. They can take our money, our stability but that's all transient. YOu can regain all that back over time. You *will* survive and come out stronger. Them? they will continue to be mired in the shit because, after all, they fail to see what the problem is/was. THEM!!!


M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Dadtryingtocope
♂ 36726
Member # 36726
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I won't be able to claim anything she doesn't have to pay taxes on anything. There is no SS money included. She would not have gotten it here in PA anyways. I had plenty of proof about the EA. She takes about 20% of my monthly take home for CS and asset payoff for 5 years. Then we renegotiate. Four years and 6 months to go, but who is counting.


BH me 46
WW her 38
DDay 8-17-12
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
Divorced 4/17/13
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13

Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 20

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.