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kroma posted 9/4/2013 10:01 AM

It hasn't been a week yet and I'm already struggling with emotions from my recent separation. After 10 months of trying to R I moved out Sunday at the request of my BS. Although I've had NC with the AP for 10 months and I've shown remorse and self healing/fixing, my wife still is unable to get over the actual A and has become very angry. Here's my issues.

Up to Sunday she and I had great communication between us. Always have. Even up till the end knowing I was moving out we talked/texted all the time about all kinds of stuff. Now that I've moved out it's like a light switch turned off. We talk about the kids and that's it. I'll send her a text now and then about something else and she never responds.
I know she wants to have her space to figure out her head but I sit here and ruminate all day long. Is she happier without me? Does she want to text back but feels like she can't? Is this just her needing to be away and if so how long? Obviously that's a question that only she can answer (sort of) but it's just so frustrating. I'm sad at the mere fact that we're split up but I also get angry bc I'm frustrated that we're split up.
She says that if asked right now if we would ever get back together she says she doesn't think so. But is she thinking that bc she's so angry that she can't see past it? I'm hoping someone who's out there may have gone through something similar BS or WS that can offer advice on how to deal and what to expect.
Another issue is that today was my children's 1st day of school and I missed it. That was freakin hard for me. I'm afraid that this is only the beginning of what I might miss in the future.
I hate this mess that we're in. I hate the feeling of not knowing if we'll ever R again. It's only been 3 days and my frustrations are building. Everyone says be patient. She needs time. Take care of me. Don't think of the outcome. Be strong for you and the kids. etc...I get all of it. I do. But if I'm struggling after only 3 days then I can't imagine me in 3 weeks or 3 months.

MovingUpward posted 9/4/2013 10:22 AM

Everyone's outcome is different. The best thing for you to do is to stay involved with the kids. You might have to step forward with requests like coming over in morning on the 1st day of school. My XW and I do that. Set up how after school events are to be handled.

As for the patience, that one is always hard. Whatever you do, don't stop the work that you've been doing. Continue your self healing and fixing for this will make you become the best version of yourself.

Dreamboat posted 9/4/2013 10:24 AM

I imagine that your BS is practicing 180 and trying to detach from you. All the frustration and anger that you are feeling, she is feeling 1000x that. I don't think you can conceive the level of devastation she is feeling even after 10 months. And trust me, she is struggling with the separation as much as you are.

Your A may have been a deal breaker for your BS. She may have tried to convince herself that it was not but is now realizing that it is something she just cannot live with. Or she may just be trying to deal with her roller coaster of emotion and was unable to do that while you were in the house. Or maybe she is just hurting badly and feels like she needs to change communication with you hoping to quit hurting. I don't know. Maybe she does not know either.

Do you have a visitation schedule with the kids? Do you feel comfortable going to kids events while your BS is also there? If so then yes, you will miss some stuff with the kids but not the major stuff. And when the kids are with you then your BS will also miss stuff with the kids. That is a consequence of D/S. It sucks all around but there is not easy fix for it.


Nature_Girl posted 9/4/2013 10:25 AM

You might find additional support in the forum for Wayward Spouses. Not that anyone here will be rude to you, only that most of the folks in this particular forum are the BS, and our perspective might not be as helpful as the perspective of others from your side of the infidelity coin.

Are you in IC? Is your BW in IC? Are you in MC? Is this separation supposed to be therapeutic (done with the intention of getting back together)?

lieshurt posted 9/4/2013 10:31 AM

It really does come down to time Kroma. As much as you want to know what the outcome will be, you just have to wait. I know it's easier said than done. Keep yourself busy, busy, busy. Don't sit around doing nothing and agonizing over this. You won't accomplish anything by doing so. Keep up your therapy and focus on fixing you. Be there for your kids. Give your BS the time she needs and whatever you do, don't pressure her right now. She needs this time to figure out what she feels.

kroma posted 9/4/2013 10:35 AM

When it comes to the kids we're both flexible and want to make sure they're ok and no matter what grow up in a safe environment with a lot of love. If I was able to come over to see them off to school she would have let me. I leave for work early and if I was living at home I would've seen them. I suppose I could've woken up earlier so I can get there to say goodbye. My fault not hers. She would've been ok with that. We're also both flexible about picking up and dropping off kids during the week. My wife is great when it comes to that. She would never keep my kids from me or not figure the logistics out. It's mostly the non-kid stuff that is weighing heavily on me.
Dreamboat - I have always thought about what she might be going through. I should've mentioned that. I'm sure it's hard. But I have no idea bc we're not really communicating at all. I just want to know that she's ok. I sit and wonder what she's thinking all the time and that's the difficult part. I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her.....

kroma posted 9/4/2013 10:49 AM

N Girl - I've been in IC since D-Day. So has she. We've been through a few MC and we have one scheduled for next week. You mentioned the separation possibly being therapeutic....if it was up to me than yes. If I knew that the separation was being done so the outcome would be R then I think I'd be handling this better. But I'm scared that now that I'm gone and all she has to do is text about the kids then it may be easier for her to making it permanant.
Lieshurt-your advice is everything I've heard. And I know it and agree with it. But when I've spoken to my wife everyday for 24 years with the exception of the 1st 2 weeks after D-Day, I find myself getting anxious and frustrated. My mind keeps playing tricks on me and it's hard to stop.
Honestly guys I'm just having a hard time and feel the need to vent. I greatly appreciate all the advice.
As for being on the wrong forum I'm fairly new here so I'm just feeling my way around. I don't mind the advice of both BS and WS. I think it's great to hear both sides. I'm not ducking anyone's thoughts or opinions. I did it. I own it. It was my fault and I have always taken full responsibility. That is why I've been going crazy for almost a year getting the help I need. This forum is part of my healing/fixing and I look to you guys to help get me through this. I hope to one day switch forums again to the R forum where maybe I can help someone the same as you helped me.

Nature_Girl posted 9/4/2013 10:53 AM

I'm not trying to chase you out. I was just wondering if you would benefit from words of wisdom of those who have walked the path you're on. I also have to admire any WS who has the brass ones to stand up in a "room" of BS and ask for insight.

kroma posted 9/4/2013 11:05 AM

N Girl - thanks. One thing I learned is last year I was at the lowest point in my life. I woke up from a terrible nightmare only to find out my wife kicked me out, my kids cried as I left, put myself in the psych. I realized what a f'n asshole I was. I was a cocky selfish man who dropped to his knees with nothing but shame and anger for myself for what I did to her and my family. Like many of us (WS's) I never realized the consequences until it was too late. So facing my demons is easy compared to where I was. What more could happen to me I guess.

sleepless34 posted 9/4/2013 11:07 AM

I am a newly betrayed spouse, so I have mixed feelings about even commenting to your bear with me....

Part of me wants to say to you exactly what I would say to my STBXWH-
"This situation is all because of your choices and actions. You did this. These are the consequences and you have to deal with that. You should have thought about what you were risking when you were giving your time and attention to someone outside of me and the kids. And if you didn't, well that is just irresponsible and stupid."

My STBXWH is not remorseful. He never said he wanted to try and reconcile, never said he would stop the A. First he wanted "both of us" and then he just said our marriage was too deeply broken after all this ugliness (although I loved him and thought all was fine before dday), I deserve better, he failed me, and he can't help it- but he just "fell in love with" someone else. Oops!

When he told me, he said he was deeply sorry and other words that seemed to mean nothing because his actions were speaking so much louder. He was really only concerned about his own needs- unburdening himself of 16 months of living this double live so he could "live with integrity" and "be totally honest" which meant "I am going to do what I want to do, regardless of who it hurts, or how catasphrophic the damage, as long as I am honest it is okay." Now, he still isn't taking responsibility and trying to make it seem justified- "she hates me, she kicked me out of the house, Whatever -so he can live with himself.

BUT, of course, YOU are not my STBXWH- you have a completely different story, different marriage, different situation. Was it LTA or ONS? And I can't judge you- why you did what you did, or how you told her, how it went down, how remorseful you were, how you showed it, how much damage it caused, all those things matter. A lot. Some betrayal is worse than others....

If you are truly remorseful and there is hope for your marriage. You need to let her be. If I were her, I would appreciate a letter telling me your feelings, including validations and explanations and expressions of true remorse and apology. I would send flowers. I would do things that would help her, things that don't involve her having to see you- but that would help- arrange a landscaper or a handyman at the house. And whatever you do, don't try to talk to her about YOUR FEELINGS. You have to suck it up now and it needs to be about HER FEELINGS. Accept your consequences.

kroma posted 9/4/2013 11:38 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your STBXWH (WTH does that stand for exactly? Hard to keep up with these abbreviations). It's definately not the same situation. You're very right that each case is different, but the same in a lot of ways. Here's my frustration.
Between the hospital, Partial Program (3 week all day group therapy) and IC my wife and I have both come to an understanding of why it happened and why it lasted 3 months. My wife can't believe it but at least we have been able to pinpoint the situation I was in and so forth.
For 10 months we tried to R and she knows how I've felt about her and our marriage. I read books, researched the internet, and joined this site just so I can understand not only what she's going through and how I can cope with the damage I left behind, but to understand how a marriage can be successful. Learning things like how to connect emotionally. I want us to work. I have been truly remorseful and consistant with my actions. Unfortunately even though she has recognized this, she just cannot get past it.
You mention flowers.....just the other day I left one on her car at work. I did this when we 1st started dating 24 years ago and she always tells the story. So I thought maybe doing this was how she fell in love with me in the 1st place.
You mentioned hiring a land scaper to help or something - I have a lot of vacation time I scheduled and told her to make me a to-do list so I can get things done around the house while she's at work. She'll never have to see me but the projects will get done.
And lastly your advice about her feelings is spot on. Thank you for validating that. Recently when we would talk I'd mention how I've been fixing myself and how I can make her happy and I I I.....she would just shake her head and say it's not about you. I know you're fixed. I know you're a changed man. You're doing great. It's about me now and how I feel. She says the shitty part is someone else may get to enjoy the new me and not her....kills me.
I'm accepting the consequences but it's just hard. I know she's struggling herself and has for a long time. Just wish she could be ok and we can move forward with a future of trust, friendship, and love. That's my goal anyway.

MovingUpward posted 9/4/2013 11:41 AM

STBXWH = Soon To Be X Wayward Husband

kroma posted 9/4/2013 11:47 AM

Oh and I forgot to mention that I left her a letter before I left where she'd find it the next day. It wasn't about anything in particular and I tried not to bring out any of the bad stuff. It was more like a letter of friendship and love. I posted it on SI in an earlier post on the Wayword Forum from Tuesday the 3rd titled "Letter".
So the frustrated part is I seem to be doing everything everyone suggests but it doesn't appear to be working. And I hate the word "Dealbreaker". Bc I refuse to give up on her.

debbysbaby posted 9/4/2013 12:29 PM

So the frustrated part is I seem to be doing everything everyone suggests but it doesn't appear to be working. And I hate the word "Dealbreaker". Bc I refuse to give up on her.

That is admirable. I'm not saying that you should change that right now, but ...sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don't care anymore but because they don't.

There may come a time you have to accept that as reality. If so, the kindest thing you can do at that point will be to let her go and not torture her with your feelings of unrequited love.

As far as the to-do list, the fact that you are hanging around the house at all may stress her. She may worry that she will come home and cross paths with you and she may need the peace of not having you in her space right now. I vote for the landscaper.

badchoice posted 9/4/2013 12:50 PM


I know what you are going through, and it is hard, but you have realize that what your BS is doing, is most likely the best thing for her.

To Me it sounds like she is trying to detach and heal. That is what my BS did, and while it was hard for me to get it through my head at first, it slowly sunk in that I needed to give her that space. You too have to detach in order to heal too. That is where working on yourself comes in. Not to win her back, that will never work in my opinion, but to just heal yourself, figure our your whys, make youself whole and safe.

My suggestion to you is have a discussion about what her boundaries are. She may tell you to stop texting, to only talk about kids and finances, what ever it is, respect her boundaries no matter how hard it is for you. It is not about you right now, it's about her and her needs right now.

Question, you say you get angry, who are you angry at? I get angry sometimes too, but when I look at that, it is really sadness that I am trying to compensate for.

You also say that you are doing everything that everyone is saying to do, and it is not working. When I read that it sounds like you think if you do all the right things, she will take you back? Am I reading that right?

I struggle with that sometimes, but the fact of the matter is that no matter what you do, your BW may consider this a deal-breaker.

I can only tell you what I am doing, and everyone is different. I am doing the work on myself so that someday my BW will feel safe with me. I have told her that what ever the relationship looks like in the future, even if we are just co-parents, that her trust in me is important, and everything I am doing right now is to show her that I am trust worthy. I have accepted that she may never trust me again, and that is her choice to make.

I hope this helps.

Good luck to you and your BW, and kids.

kroma posted 9/4/2013 13:08 PM

I get angry with myself and frustrated at the situation. This was 100% on me and my problems won't go away bc of what I did. Her pain continues bc of what I did. When I get frustrated it's bc I'm sad and want what once was. I'm hoping it gets easier to deal with as time goes by.
I will admit I get frustrated when I feel like I'm doing all the right things for such a long time yet she can't be together for the moment or forever. I get frustrated bc we had a really great marriage till I screwed up regardless of why it happened. I get frustrated bc she was the type of person that always reciprocated my love. What once was no longer exists and although I'm not expecting things to ever be the same I am hoping for a fresh start on our lives. I am willing and able to do anything in my power to try and make it work but it's not my choice and I know it. She may never take me back but that's her choice to make and I will deal with that when I have to.
I like what you said about being safe and providing a safe environment for my kids. That's important. Who knows? Maybe if she sees me as an independent person that continues to follow the path of committment, trust, and safety maybe she'll fall in love with me again? If not I guess whatever person I turn out to be will be better for it.
Just hope she makes that decision to enjoy the new me and not someone else.
Thanks for the advice. Helped.

sleepless34 posted 9/4/2013 13:59 PM

I think you just have to wait and see. It may take years. You made a choice and she had no control over it. She is going to make a choice, and you have no control over. Don't put any pressure on her, just because you are doing the right things doesn't mean it is going to work .You have to just accept that. All you can do is keep hope. If it is meant to be, it will be.

kroma posted 9/4/2013 14:10 PM

You're 100% right. It's completely out of my control. I knew it a few months ago when she 1st spoke about separating. That what I did was my choice and now it's hers. That is such a difficult thing to accept that our future together is her decision and hers only.
I can only hold onto a few glimmers of hope from things I remembered about us.
Hope and faith is what I have.

Chrysalis123 posted 9/4/2013 14:48 PM

respect her boundaries

The ball is in her court. If she says it is over....respect that.

I am sorry you find yourself in this position.

SBB posted 9/4/2013 15:52 PM

I know what you are going through, and it is hard, but you have realize that what your BS is doing, is most likely the best thing for her.


The advice for you is the same as the advice for a BS who is yearning for their WS.

Shift your focus away from her and winning her back or saving your M and pour it into yourself. Into living your life to the fullest. Into healing and growing from this.

Do this so that you are OK no matter what her decision is.

You may have read in this forum many of us consider our WS's total lack of remorse to be a a gift. A very very painful and agonising gift but a gift nonetheless.

If this is in fact a dealbreaker for her it has nothing to do with you, how much she loves/loved you nor how hard you've worked.

It simply is.

When I was in a 3m False R I asked for a year-long S after we sold the house. I wanted to separate everything and I also even wanted to divorce and talked about changing my name.

He begged, pleaded and put a huge amount of pressure on me to reconsider.

I couldn't. Part of it was wanting to show him and myself that I wasn't afraid to do this. But that wasn't my core reason.

My core reason was I wanted to set a blowtorch to that M and start again. From scratch. I wanted a year apart so we could each build new lives for ourselves and if we decided we wanted to be together after that it would be because we wanted to, not because of fear or habit or just holding onto our M with all of our fingers and toes.

I needed to see what choices he would make when he was completely free to make them. When the consequences he was so desperately trying to avoid became reality.

I had my answer pretty much within days. I was right to stick to my guns.

Don't set out to prove anything to her - set out to prove it to yourself. If you are a changed man then live it.

Work on detaching from her. I think BS can be cake-eaters too.

I didn't accept that this was a dealbreaker for me until final S. I raged against it, I didn't want it to be but it was. I would have done a fair share of cake eating during that year of separation (not by cheating but by using him emotionally whilst I detached).

I was forever changed by this. That is something he never really understood. He vocalised it but didn't understand it.

You cannot control what she does or what decisions she makes. You can control yourself. Shift your focus there. You will reap the rewards and so will your kids. If your W does decide she wants to get back you will be in a healthier place and can make that decision with a healthy heart, mind and soul.

If she never makes that decision you would have healed enough to recover the right way and you'll be rewarded with living a healthy, authentic life.

I think a lot of BS early into this would be able to relate to what you're going through. You want your BS to 'wake up' and you want to see her fight for the M. The anger you are feeling is deep hurt that she isn't.

Most BS here have been there. How we got here changes some of it in some cases but in reality those core feelings are the same. Limbo isn't good for anyone - it is toxic to everyone. Don't stay stuck there too long.

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