I've always struggled with feeling inadequate. I'm sure it stems from my father being completely absent from my life. I picks my first husband partly because I knew no one else would want him. (How pathetic is that, ugh). Anyway. I'd gotten to a good place pre-Dday. I wasn't afraid of being replaced. I was happy in my skin and in my relationship. Then came dday and turned all that order back upside down on itself. My inadequacies rose back to the top of that heap and I've been working diligently to re-repair my self-esteem. I've been doing pretty good with this. And, the last few days have been really great. My H is working out of town and finally, finally I am actually really ok with it. I've been enjoying my kids and we have been doing great keeping our schedule and having everyone ready and where they are supposed to be. Then, today. A simple text message sets me back months. Back to the angry, sad, sick to my stomach feeling of having been replaced. Not by my H, but by the conductor of the local orchestra I play with. I had planned to return for the fall after taking a maternity break. I got a sitter lined up (which is not easy when you have 3 kids 5 and under and won't be home until 10 on a school night). Then I was told that he gave my parts to someone else. Replaced. Inadequate. Again.
