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My ramble because I am lost

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jrr111800 posted 9/4/2013 12:34 PM

My beginning of a ramble because I don’t know where to start. My story is like many others on this site…Plain selfish dumbass. I won’t go deep into details but 2 ONS and a 6m month EA and a long history of just being a plain asshole to my BS, why she has stuck with me is beyond comprehension. Almost 3 months out from DDay and couple weeks of TT before I came out with everything. She has asked for a timeline and I have giving her what I remember, the big details, because frankly I truly don’t remember the tiny or small ones(in my mind tiny and small) nothing is tiny or small to her. I try everyday to be the husband she deserves, often failing. I own my eff up, I own that I am the cause of all her pain. Not only did I have affairs but I also put us in a financial crisis by not paying attention to our money. I never once used money for any of my affairs, I was just responsible for how our money was spent and didn’t communicate to her where we were financially. I was ashamed that and prideful to let her in and help. I was afraid of her disappointment and anger that I could not manage. So now that she is completely involved with everything including the money situation, this has caused her massive amounts of stress on top of all my bullshit. “A very very darkplace” as she say’s. Almost too much for her to handle. I am completely lost on how to deal with this. I keep assuring her one day at a time and we will work through this together, I will be by her side the whole way to do anything she needs. However, I am afraid I have dug a hole so deep that there is no ladder big enough to climb. I am the worst human being ever.

JustDesserts posted 9/4/2013 13:13 PM

I am the worst human being ever.

No. You are a HUMAN human being, and you made some terrible choices. It sounds like you are on your way to owning those mistakes.

This is an amazing place to get help...IF you want it.

No matter how deep your hole I can suggest two things: There are those here who's holes were deeper, and who did climb out. And there is hope.

Stick around. Ask questions. Read. And work on YOU. That's the most important thing your spouse needs, whether she or you know it or not.

Welcome. Glad (and sorry) you're here.


SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/4/2013 13:21 PM

However, I am afraid I have dug a hole so deep that there is no ladder big enough to climb.

You're right, there is no ladder big enough.

You have to build the stairs to get out of that hole.

[This message edited by broevil at 1:22 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

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