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I don't want them to like OW

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jilted12 posted 9/4/2013 13:24 PM

I have been told time and again that I should be thankful that the OW is good to my kids and that they like her. But the truth of the matter is, I wish they hated her (and I have never voiced this to anyone else until now). I don't know if that makes me a bad mom but I just can't accept the fact that they think she is such a fabulous person. I have zero respect for her and don't believe she can truly be a good person and isn't exactly the role model I want for my kids. Heck, neither is their dad but that I have accepted I cannot change. I never intend to utter a word to her or acknowledge her in any way, shape or form but yet I have to hear all about her from my kids on a weekly basis. I do my best to smile and nod my head and change the subject as quickly as possible but it doesn't help. I am really struggling this past week as my youngest (15 mos old) is now starting to say her name and the older kids delight in telling me all about it and then of course, the little one starts to mimic and repeatedly say her name.

I will never believe that she deserves my kids love and respect but the fact that she apparently has it is literally eating away at me. I've made so much progress in general - have almost no communication with ex-WH, in the midst of building a brand new home, rediscovering who I am, making new friends, enjoying new hobbies, etc. but I feel stuck on this one. I am pretty sure ex-WH will be proposing to her in a few weeks as he's taking her away on a European trip and then brining her to meet his folks overseas so barring a terrible tragedy (which I wish for her each day), I don't think she is going away any time soon

If you have to deal with an OW in your kids lives, how do you cope with it in a way that doesn't drive you insane? Any input is welcome!

Griefstricken25 posted 9/4/2013 13:57 PM

I want you to know you are not alone in those feelings. My kids were 6 and 2 (and a newborn who I didn't let go with WXH) when they met OW and they've *always* liked her and think she's great. It took a long time, but I have to let my kids have their own relationship with her and remove myself. My oldest was hesitant for awhile about talking about her in front of me and I could see that it was causing him anxiety. I told him that I will never be friends with her because she hurt my feelings very badly, but if he wanted to be friends with her, that is okay. It was the one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it helped my kid.

Time will help you. It would be brutal to hear about it every other weekend. And hearing OW's filthy name out of your sweet baby's mouth? Oh mama. I felt the same when my youngest started that. I am lucky WXH lives overseas.


Dadtryingtocope posted 9/4/2013 14:25 PM

I had to do the same. Both my kids know that I will never like the OM. I told them the same thing, he hurt my feelings and broke some rules. I also told them that if they want to like him that is up the them. When they get to be teenagers and can understand things better, they can form their own oppinions.

newlysingle posted 9/4/2013 14:43 PM

Ugh, I so feel your pain. My dd loves OW too. It's so hard to listen to and makes my STBX so smug. OW in my case is very juvenile and child like. I keep thinking that she is fun now, but I have a feeling my dd will outgrow her in a couple of years.

I have a feeling they will marry soon too, so I have to just suck it up.

SBB posted 9/4/2013 15:33 PM

Those feelings are completely normal and do not make you a bad mum. They make you human.

I had to work really hard to accept this bit. My girls aren't enamoured of OWUmpteen as she takes very little notice of them but AFAIK she is not unkind to them.

This might sound weird but I started researching stories about nasty stepmum's/new partners and the horrible things they did to kids. That helped me gain some perspective.

The only thing I would hate more than my girls loving this OW or any of the other future 'luuuurves' of his life is the thought of anyone being unkind to them. THAT would cause me and them terrible damage and pain.

These are the sharpest of the shards of glass in the shit sandwich we are forced to eat. Please know you're not alone.

I still cringe when they say her name or I hear of her hanging around like a bad smell during their visitation but it is not as sharp as it was in the early days.

This one is no big danger to me or my girls but I worry future ones will be.

It is the lesser of two evils but it is still awful.


jilted12 posted 9/4/2013 18:16 PM

I'm glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I do want what is best for my kids, it's just that living with an OW half the time doesn't fit with my idea of what is best. I totally agree that the alternative of her being horrible to them or a danger to them would be worse so I am glad I don't have to worry about that. I just wish she was bending over backwards to be nice & they were still awful to her!

I have given them the little spiel about how she will never be my friend b/c she hurt me badly. Was forced to do this early on when they came home & said that she told them she wanted to be my friend but I said no. Grrrr, that really riled me up! I did tell them they could be friends with her & I would be okay with it. Kind of hate that I'm lying to them but I know its what I was supposed to say. I just wish I could figure out how to let it stop brothering me so much. It's been a year since she first started spending time with my kids & she now lives with ex-WH and yet I feel like my anger over this is getting worse & not better. I really do hope that the karma bus literally runs her over!

AussieMum posted 9/4/2013 19:43 PM

I can really relate to your situation jilted12 and how very difficult it is.

My kids (11 & 7) were introduced to OW3 on their very first visitation with their dad and they now stay with STBX and OW3 2 nights a week and every 2nd weekend. They really like her and talk about her a lot

It is better than her being mean to them, but doesn't make it much easier for me. Like you, I often wish they would dislike her, despite her bending over backwards to be nice to them. That makes me feel guilty.

OW3 also messages DS when he's with me about this and that, calling him 'darlin' etc. I feel like she's encroaching on my time with my kids. It's all so hard!

I totally understand your feelings!

[This message edited by AussieMum at 7:52 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 9/4/2013 21:48 PM

OW3 also messages DS when he's with me about this and that, calling him 'darlin' etc. I feel like she's encroaching on my time with my kids. It's all so hard!

Yuck. Just yuck. I would struggle big time with that too.

I have to separate MY feelings around OWUmpteen and my kids feelings about her much the same way I've had to separate my feelings around the sad clown and my kids feelings for him. They are not interlinked.

It sucks because I know I 'have' to tolerate him because I chose to have children with him. But unfortunately that includes whatever fucked up partner he is with - they are another turd in that huge pile of shit that is him.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/4/2013 22:45 PM

Aussiemom--I would definately forward those texts to your XWH. Chances are he has no idea she is texting your son.

Thefly559 posted 9/5/2013 07:23 AM

My stbxw did not expose her new pos yet ( I think ) but I dread that day ! Right now he stays in the shadows , she spends weekends with him and every minute she can which I have learned to deal with , still not like but accept. I think about my actions when I go to pick up my kids and this pos answers the door to my home! That scenario does not play well in my head ! Hopefully I have enough strength to fight those thoughts off when the time comes. Only god knows that !

katiesmom posted 9/5/2013 16:36 PM


I so get this and totally understand where you are coming from. It kills me that my daughter has to be anywhere near that slut, but as my daughter gets older and wiser, she has realized what kind of person OW is and she doesn't like her in the least little bit.

While it helps me to know that my daughter doesn't like her, it still doesn't ease the pain of watching her spend every other weekend with her. I honestly think that my daughter will start refusing to visit them the older she gets. At least that's what I hope!

Sending you strength and hugs. And crossing my fingers for that karma bus!

ideservebetter45 posted 9/5/2013 21:50 PM

I feel the same. My dd is 7 and she knows i will never like or have any respect for ow.I don't pretend even a little bit. Why should i teach her that she should respect a person like that? It's bad enough i have to smile and keep my mouth shut about her father..

FieldsOfLavender posted 9/5/2013 22:04 PM

Jilted, I thought it was just me feeling this. My 8yo dd just met OWhore a couple weeks ago. STBX tells me that dd is asking to see more of her. In less than 3 weeks, DD found out she was going to have a half sibling, met the whore, and whore already started spending the night while dd is at STBX's. DD is supposedly excited to have a half sibling.

FieldsOfLavender posted 9/5/2013 22:05 PM

I really do hope that the karma bus literally runs her over!

I visualize the karma bus running her over and dragging her, face first. She seems rather vain.

jilted12 posted 9/6/2013 16:14 PM

It sucks because I know I 'have' to tolerate him because I chose to have children with him. But unfortunately that includes whatever fucked up partner he is with - they are another turd in that huge pile of shit that is him.

Isn't this the sad truth? It completely sucks & I'm sorry for everyone who is having to deal with an OW or OM in their kids lives .

tesla posted 9/6/2013 20:40 PM

It sucks, jilted...everything about it just sucks. My Teslet seems to like stripper whore. He does talk about what she does for him. I don't like hearing it but since I know that she can never replace me, I don't let it bother me. HOnestly, she does a better job of making sure my son is fed than ex-shat does. For that, I am actually grateful.

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