SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

julesinpain posted 9/4/2013 14:34 PM

So, I thought we were making some progress. Moving forward finally some. My husband goes out of town for work for the week. I discover he lies to me about stupid stuff. Why?? Why?? why??!!!!

He always books his hotel from home before he leaves. I noticed he had not even looked hotels up yet before leaving and I questioned him about it. He got weirdly defensive and said "Fine I will book before I go" "I was just going to get the room when I got there"
So he gets onto the computer looking up different sites for this hotel he stays in all the time. Just before he leaves he tells me "They did not have any rooms available"

So of course after he leaves I look up the hotel at the sites I saw him on and guess what! They had rooms available.

Now I know he was meeting our guy friends that night in the place he was going to. He ended up telling me he was hoping our guy friend would invite him to stay the night so he did not have to pay for the hotel that night. Um okay, but WHY lie to me about that in the first place!! Stupid lie!!!

I also discovered he told me he was still working on the job at 7:00, when I knew for a fact he had already gone back to the hotel room by 3:00. I asked if he had gone back to the hotel at all for lunch or nap or whatever. He tells me he never goes back to the hotel until he is done or he is afraid he wouldn't go back to work. Well I knew for a fact he had indeed gone back to the hotel and was NOT working right then! Not sure why he thought he should lie about it. Maybe he got off early, but wanted me to think he was working really hard still? I don't know, but I would rather he NOT lie. He works really hard for us, and I wouldn't care if he was able to leave the job early. I do however care that he lied again about nothing!!! :( There were a couple other little lies too!

When i asked him about lying to me in person, he looks so inocently into my eyes and lies straight out to me, that he is not lying. Then I showed him the proof on some of it.

When I asked why he is lying about this stuff that he doesn't need to lie to me about, he just says "I don't know" That is it!! That is all the answer I get!

WTH!! How is he supposed to build my trust if he continues to lie about little things!! How am I supposed to believe he is not still lying about bigger and affair things!

The good news is didn't discover any cheating, emails, chats, ect or inapproriate other stuff. Just the stupid lies!

Not sure what to do about his continued lies!! How can I ever trust what comes out of his mouth!! I am so frustrated and confused!

lieshurt posted 9/4/2013 14:39 PM

How can I ever trust what comes out of his mouth!!

As long as he's choosing to lie about everything and anything, you can't trust him.

EvenKeel posted 9/4/2013 14:45 PM

When I asked why he is lying about this stuff that he doesn't need to lie to me about, he just says "I don't know"

I had this problem with my Ex. Sometimes he would lie about the stupidest stuff - stuff that made no sense to lie about. That is when I knew he had a real problem and I would not live the rest of my life like that.

I couldn't stand the "I don't know" or "I don't remember" answers either.

Rebreather posted 9/4/2013 15:51 PM

Boy I bet your guts are screaming about all of that. I used to ask my spouse all the time, "where are you staying?" when he'd travel. He'd say, "oh the usual hotel, the admin staff booked it."

Uh huh. He stayed at OW's place.

Anywho. Lying can be a deeply ingrained, kneejerk reaction. It can be partly conflict avoidance, or it can really be a cover up for continued cheating. I required my FWH to seek help for this in IC as a requirement that I remain in the marriage.

He won't stop lying on his own. He'll need external help with it.

Do you have consequences for these lies? They are pretty major.

sodamnlost posted 9/4/2013 17:05 PM

And *THIS* is the final straw that broke this camel's back and gave her the nuts to file for divorce today. When I am discovering new lies every week, CURRENT ones even - STUPID ones - what tiny sliver of trust I had is just GONE. I have no idea what this man is capable of. Oh but he's "REALLY TRYING".

Rebreather posted 9/4/2013 17:12 PM

There's just no trying. Only doing.

wontdefineme posted 9/4/2013 17:12 PM

When they lie to keep their lives to themselves, then that is when they need to figure out if they want marriage or to be single.

Mine chose to lie, so I chose to have my own life to myself and not have to worry about what was a lie and who he was doing!

As far as finding evidence, if he is lying about hotel rooms and times at work, then he is probably lying about other things too.