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Newest Member: Nathan (61870)

User Topic: I am new and I need help
Member # 40556
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I are trying to work things out. He had three emotional affairs in 2010, 2011 and the last one was several months in the later part of 2012. I found out about the third affair the day after Christmas. I kicked him out and he stayed with his parents. He was gone for a few weeks then moved back in but we weren't together. I applied for an apartment and in June got approved after he begged me and made promises to me to change everything that was wrong I decided to stay. So far it's been a huge mistake. I got pregnant unintentionally I am now three months pregnant and we have two other children together.

For the past 9 months there have been no other affairs that I'm aware of. But I'm also really sick of the porn emotionally for me it is the same as cheating even though I know a lot of people don't see it that way. But early on he said he understood and agreed.

I am struggling because he won't give me answers why he cheated he only says that he's sorry. Frankly I'm sick of sorry I want a reason. I also feel like he thinks I'm not attractive if he was attracted to me he wouldn't need porn or to cheat on me. I can't even trust him to be alone here for a day because I assume he will be messaging some girl or watching porn and it drives me crazy. I'm extremely depressed since finding out about the first time. He has gotten chances and takes them for granted. I'm so lost and sad. Can anyone offer some advice?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should talk openly and honestly about how the EA's and the porn make you FEEL.....once he understands how you feel you might find he opens up and listens.

Also, get him some IC. He has issues that are out of your control. If he doesn't want to I suggest leaving or asking him to leave. I am getting big red flags from your post. Unless you take control of at least your feelings for his Foo crap you are going to loose in the long run.


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If emotional affairs and porn ARE cheating for you, then it IS cheating. Doesn't matter what other couples or other people think.

Your husband needs to understand boundaries and consequences for his actions. It didn't look like there were any. It just looked like he just wants to get to the part where you're both back together instead of working on HIS issues and problems.

TxsT is right, he needs to go to IC. If you have children, it may motivate him to know that his daughters are going to look onto their Dad as a comparison for men they will marry. Is he the type of man he will want for his daughters? Is he the type of man he wants his sons to become?

Also, most cheating is not because of attractiveness. How many times have you hear super models and beautiful actresses get cheated on? It all has everything to do with the issues of the cheater, not the person they are cheating on.

Read the library here. It will be helpful for you.

Hugs your way.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

-October 3, 2007-

Posts: 928 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like your WH hasn't owned his behavior and he is in denial. he needs to get his butt into individual counseling, like, yesterday. I have learned that until something clicks within him and he really SEES what he is doing...he wont change. And there isnt a thing you can say to make him.

I agree with you. Porn IS cheating. My WH was addicted to porn...and that was a HUGE contributing factor to his A. i knew about some stuff, but i had no idea the extent it went to. Over the years, i said all kinds of stuff, tried to get him to stop some things...but i wasnt successful. he just hid more stuff from me and lied about stuff (including going to strip clubs, which i also consider cheating)....until DDay when all hell broke loose and everything came pouring out. It was only in the aftermath of DDay did he see what he was doing...something clicked in him...he understood what he was doing....and got help to stop and change his ways.

You can only give so many chances before you have nothing left to give. Go into the healing library and read up on the 180. Perhaps this might help you...and help him...maybe the 180 will make things click for him and he will seek the help he needs.

I feel and understand your pain. I can relate. you are not alone. hugs to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry your is doing so little to help you R.

Have you checked the Healing Library? The link is in the yellow box at the upper left of SI pages. I recommend starting there, especially with the BS FAQs.

To R, you heal yourself. Your H heals himself. Together you heal your M. Your healing is mainly dealing with the pain of being betrayed. Also, BS healing often involves learning strategies for asserting yourself. IC often helps BSes.

Recovering from infidelity is a marathon, not a sprint. The pain is EXCRUCIATING at first, and then it improves to just excruciating for a while before you start to experience pain-free minutes - but eventually you'll recover. The rule of thumb here is 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts, so be very gentle with yourself.

WSes heal by changing the thoughts and feelings that allowed them to cheat. IMO, that requires IC. Also, NC, transparency, honesty, and sometimes (usually, I think, but not necessarily) MC are required. It sounds like your H is doing the NC part, but not IC, transparency, or honesty. He needs to step up - or you need to make those things real requirements, which means D or S unless he delivers.

Read the Library, Read posts, especially in the R & G forums. Consider - that is, think about, because it cam be a very difficult forum for BSes - delving into the WS forum for insight into the differences between remorseful and non-remorseful WSes, but step very gently with that.

You're not alone. Lots of folks have gone through exactly what you're experiencing now, and they'll be along to offer support.

Believe that you can get through this and thrive.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17112 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 5

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