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1bigidiot79 posted 9/4/2013 15:11 PM

Found the site a few days ago and have read a lot of the articles which have helped. Before I found the site I found the book "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" I have found it to be very good advice. I need some help/advice. Here is my story:
Married 11 years, one child and was very happy all throughout my marriage. I am a Christian and active in my church which makes my behavior all the more despicable to me and my wife. I have had an issue with soft pornography since I was a teen. I have tried to stop but unsuccessfully. My usage consisted of an relapse followed by great conviction and shame at which point I would ask forgiveness from God and go a few months before it happened again. My wife never knew until about 6 years ago she found some things I had looked at. The problem is she didn't find fully nude images and I took the cowardly way out and told her that was all I had ever looked at. We made it through and I told her I would stop but because I never fully came clean you can guess what happened.
Fast forward to July of this year and she found it all. I initially tried damage control but because I had been completely outed I finally wised up and came clean. I told her everything.
Honestly, I think she is more upset with the lies than she is what I did, even though she hates that as well. I have tried my best to do and be exactly what the book has advised to do. I love her dearly and have poured my heart out to her repeatedly. She says she still loves me but that she doesn't know what to say or what to do. Right now she is refusing to go to MC. I guess my question is this. It has only been 1 1/2 months so I'm guessing I've just got to be patient, right? She will not talk about it. She will listen to me profusely apologize and tell her how much I want to make it right and R but she doesn't say a word. She did have an angry period but she is over that now. She does interact and talk with me about other everyday stuff just not about the issue.
I know my answer already I guess and that is to just keep on proving to her that I can change and that this time it is for real. I am devoting to changing once and for all. Is there anything I can do to help her talk to me or do I just wait until she is ready? Any help or comments are appreciated. Thanks

Simple posted 9/4/2013 15:42 PM

If she won't go to MC, go to IC yourself. You need to become a better person for her and for your child and for yourself. Learn the difference between being remorseful and being guilty.

I'm glad you came clean. I hope you stop with the lying because you're right, that's what sucks more.

You cannot move on with R with only 1 person, whether you're the WS or the BS. It has to be both. So for now, just focus on being a better person. Figure out what your problems are and fix that problem so it doesn't happen again because it will if you continue to ignore it.

You can "fix" your marriage by first fixing yourself.

Five year R here so I hope that helps you.

Hugs your way.

Rebreather posted 9/4/2013 15:46 PM

I think some individual counseling is critical for you. Start that, and see where it takes you.

I refused marriage counseling with my spouse after our second dday. We'd been in counseling for months, and it proved to me he'd lie so what value did it have? He had to fix himself before I would consider working on the marriage.

Fix yourself. It's the greatest gift you can ever give your wife.

confused615 posted 9/4/2013 15:50 PM

Maybe she is watching your actions..right now your words don't mean anything because you have been lying to her for years.

Are you going to IC?

Have you put a keylogger on your computer,so she can check if she wants?

Have you put spyware on your phone?

Are you being kind and patient with her and her mood swings?

Have you spoken with your minister about this?

Have you given her full transparency? Does she have full access to all of your accounts and your cell phone..passwords included?

SHOW her you are sorry and are working to become a safe partner for her.

And,yes,it takes 2 to R..but Im guessing she is sitting back and watching what you are doing before she decided is she wants to R with you.

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 15:52 PM

I agree, individual therapy is definitely key and it can also show her that you are serious about fixing yourself.

My husband is a sex addict. I'm definitely NOT saying that you are, but it leads to my next point. Last summer after our second DDay, he went to a 3 day intensive conference through Every Mans Battle. It is Christian based. You can google the website, but it was very helpful for him to kick start his recovery. (He looked at porn daily in addition to other behavior). Most of the men there had issues with pornography. They have sessions all over the country and their website has a ton of information. They have books as well. They also have some books for the spouse as well.

Rebreather posted 9/4/2013 15:52 PM

Also, I would suggested you considering internally renaming the title of this post from "I messed up" to "I fucked up epically." I don't mean that to be bitchy. Just don't downplay your transgressions.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 3:58 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 15:54 PM

Also, as far as spyware, filters, blocks, etc. be proactive and install those yourself. I am NOT my husband's babysitter and initiative goes a LONG way.

My husband gave up facebook, he recently had a slip using the internet on his phone, so he's now given up all phone internet usage, both on his own accord. Do not make her ask, beg, or feel like she has to force you into these.

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/4/2013 16:12 PM

I agree with Samantha that you should initiate transparency. It's very difficult for me to ask to see my spouses phone, and I haven't been able to ask for passwords or stuff. I would love it if he gave me that stuff on his own.

1bigidiot79 posted 9/4/2013 16:35 PM

I should have mentioned that I have put filters on the computers, phone, etc. I voluntarily stepped down from some positions at church. I have told her that I am an open book.

As far as the IC goes I have thought about it. I think I will try again to see if she will agree to MC but if not I will look into IC.

It's almost like she just doesn't want to deal with it and that's why she's not talking to me about it. I know she is hurt also. I almost wish she would yell and scream again rather than the silence. I know I just have to keep on showing her that I really want to change and just give it time.

ccw82 posted 9/4/2013 19:42 PM

I agree with the others -- proactively seeking IC will show her that you are willing to fix yourself before she asks you to. Of course, if she also wants to attend MC, then by all means, do it! Be willing to do whatever she asks to show transparency and willingness to change. Those things won't mean anything, however, unless you are truly committed to fixing yourself first.

Kelany posted 9/4/2013 20:02 PM

Sometimes MC is fruitless without IC first. I'd suggest you do IC regardless, and if she agrees to MC in addition to it. You have a lot to work on within yourself.

quoththeraven1 posted 9/4/2013 23:20 PM

Dear 1bigidiot:
I share a similar history with yours. I believe that having her find out, and your being as open as you appear to be makes a difference for you. Porn issues can be addressed with success. I would urge you to not only investigate these things for yourself, but perhaps to also encourage her to do so. Both the porn user and his wife may be somewhat naive regarding it. This may be awkward, and perhaps a trusted intermediary can be of help in inviting her to educate herself. She may not be open to any suggestions from you right now. Can your minister be of help? I'm also pming you regarding some suggestions that may not be appropriate for this thread.

1bigidiot79 posted 9/5/2013 08:01 AM

Update: No go on the MC. She just isn't having it. I asked her if she objected to me going to IC and she said that was fine.

I'm trying to do everything I can possibly do to show her I want to change and be the husband she needs me to be but right now she is having none of it. I'm doing everything in the book and I do think that I "get it" but maybe it's all just too soon. I'm struggling with the fact that I'm fighting but she refuses. I pray that time will help her move forward and begin to see my efforts and that she will begin to want R as well.

Kelany posted 9/5/2013 08:06 AM

You may struggle for awhile, but as a BS, I needed to see my husband fight for awhile for me, for us. I needed to see he was serious. I needed to see that he wasn't going to just be "good" for a couple weeks then just go back to his regular habits.

TrulySad posted 9/5/2013 08:46 AM

SamanthaBaker...what you said 200%. He needs to be the one to do these things, not the BS. I'm still waiting....and waiting...and waiting.

It means so much more if they do the actions without us telling them to. I'm not his mom. They are adults, and if they want to save the relationship, we need to see how far they will go to make it happen.

1bigidiot79 posted 9/5/2013 08:58 AM

Samantha and Trulysad, I hear you, I do. Here is what I have been doing and am trying to do so far:

-Put filters on all computers and devices
-Came completely clean, told her everything
-Read the book how to heal after an affair and am trying to follow it religously
-profusely apologized repeatedly
-will begin IC shortly and have told her so. Tried to get her to go to MC
-Written her letters to assure her that I am committed to R
-Told her she can look at anything I have, being completely transparent
-Checking on her every day and continually reassuring her of my love for her

Obviously I want to do anything and everything I can to make this better for her. Is there anything that I'm not doing that I could be doing, something I've missed?

Last night she told me she "couldn't do this" every night, speaking of me coming to talk to her about it before bed. I guess she just needs space right now but it is hard because I want to show her how much I want R and how committed I am to it.

lostworld posted 9/5/2013 09:49 AM

Very gently: I can see in your words how very much you love your wife, and how desperately you want to take away her pain and make her feel safe, but it seems to me that without really digging into the issues that started and fuel your porn usage, you won't make any real strides--both in helping yourself or your marriage/wife. You're doing so many great things to begin the process and I commend you for all of that effort, but while those things are enormously helpful, they are the band-aid rather than the truly life-giving surgery; your wife needs both. You've worked hard to change your behavior in the past, and have been rewarded with initial success only to be followed by relapse and shame. Until you get the professional help you need, I fear this pattern will be repeated; you've got to do something different to expect different results. I hear you saying that you plan on seeking IC soon--I'd recommend that soon is today. Make the appointment, go regularly, and you just may find some trepidatious relief that comes from hope. Once you get some personal introspection under your belt, I wouldn't be surprised to find your wife much more amenable to MC.

uncertainone posted 9/5/2013 12:25 PM

Get to know your shadow self. We all have one. Parts of us we consider shameful. Impulses that horrify us. Dark thoughts that we reject and push away. Not us. Can't be us.

Sure, they can and are. How do you think we survived as a species for so long? We are fantastically complex and layered. Have the ability to kill and save, love and reject, nurture and starve.

Both sides equally control. You can't control what you repress. You can work to successfully supress (healthy). Repression isn't healthy as it insists on denial to exist.

Imagine a beach ball. Have you ever tried to push one under water? What happens?

Our shadow self is filled with beach balls just waiting, growing in the dark, not acknowledge by us. When they do appear it's explosive and usually quite dramatic. Catastrophic for ourselves and others.

So, porn. What are you repressing? Are there aspects to your sexuality that don't fit the molds you've imposed? Have you looked at this? Don't use words like normal and deviant. Those are subjective and usually another's judgement anyway.

What about this is something you're drawn to?

Look with courage. No fear. It's there anyway so might as well see what it looks like. You'll find and you pull it into the light it's much less threatening than you thought it was. Shadows are always bigger than the reality they're linked to.

1bigidiot79 posted 9/10/2013 08:17 AM

Update: I have continued to try and do anything and everything for my BS to help her through this. I have been as humble and empathetic as I can possibly be every minute of every day. I have finally been able to secure an appt. for IC, haven't been yet. I am following the books advice to the letter.

So yesterday she was very distant (which is saying a lot because she will not talk about the situation at all, only everyday stuff). She didn't tell me she loved me back when I told her, didn't respond to any texts or calls etc. Then last night I went into her room before bed and she handed me a letter. She asked that I take it and read it in my room which I did. It basically said that she didn't know what to say and that she didn't feel any different than she did 7 weeks ago on Dday. She said she didn't want to deal with it and that every time I bring it up she just shuts down because the hurt and pain are just too much to deal with. She says she is "content" to just live her life in the house and take care of our son and just be there. She said she just didn't see us being happier in the future like I do.

Like I said, I have been working my tail off and doing everything I know to do and being as remorseful, apologetic, and empathetic as possible. So to read those words were like a boulder fell on me. I was crushed. It's only been 7 weeks so I know I just need to give her time.

My questions is this: Did any of you BS's out there feel like it was better to just be "content" and not do anything about it? I'm not sure how to handle this other than to just keep on keeping on and begin to find out why I did what I did and fix it. I'm struggling that she is so O.K. with doing nothing. Is that normal?

1bigidiot79 posted 9/10/2013 14:52 PM

Bump...see above post please guys...need some help.

I'll also add that I spoke to her friend today and my BS told her that she didn't have the energy to fight and that she just felt like doing nothing. She went from telling me she loved me when I said it to her to not sending me a text for 3 days now. Not sure what to do?

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