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still2suspicious posted 9/4/2013 15:26 PM

I want to, up front, apologize for my language. I am just beyond pissed off!!

The last time (only time I think) I posted here I was this timid mouse. Didn’t want to be here, don’t want a D. Boo hoo me!

Well, times have changed!!! So here’s another letter to H:

What a fucking coward you are!!! Up until a few months ago I have felt nothing but love for you. OK, maybe not all the time, but deep down I could not have imagined my life without you. .

Well, that, my mealy mouse H has changed! Have never felt this absolute disconnect from you, but you put me here. You told me to “prove I can go without talking about us. Which I did for 2 months. Then YOU asked me about it, I explained my side of it, and of course I was wrong, of course I took it wrong! You explained that you want me to just not talk about feelings, connections, that shit. So then I asked “what do you think YOU have to be proving in this M?” answer: IDK “well, can you think about it and let me know?” “sure” One week later I ask for your thoughts. You stated “can you remind me what I was suppose to think about. IDR” Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!! So you don’t remember, which means you gave it no thought? “well, no” I just walked away in disgust, and to this day you have not brought it back up. Then I had to have dental work done. I told you many times when the second appt one was. The day before you asked “now which doc are you going to see?” REALLY???? Oh my fucking goodness!!! So the day of appt I thought for sure you would check in with me before the appt, nope. Well surely after the appt, nope. You called as you were leaving work to “see how you are doing” I gave you crickets. When you came home you were sure to tell me about your shitty day. I could give a rat’s ass!

This weekend with your family cemented, for me, just what a piece of jelly shit mother fucker you are!! And now you just keep spouting “what about me? What about how I feel?” I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK HOW YOU FEEL ASSHAT!!!” All you feel is the “Oh no she’s gonna want to talk to me. I may have to actually say something emotional”. I always knew you were a CA, but you have really taken it to a new level since the EA. What a yellow-bellied whiny asshole you are now.

I believed you, as teenagers, that you didn’t want her.
I believed you, 20 yrs later, about skank.
I believed you, 4 yrs ago, about bitchface from HS, AGAIN.

What a fucking coward I am too! I kept believing you! I let you off, all 3 times, so fucking easy, it now makes me sick to my stomach! I was so afraid. Afraid of what would happen to me? Our kids? My financial future? Now? Who the G** damn cares? Anything has to be better than being discounted over and over again.

And you think you are doing so well. You think you have proven to me how bad you feel about the A’s. To the fuckin’ hell NO!!!! All you’ve done is proven to me that you are too scared to be by yourself. That I will do. You told me I have nothing to worry about, as you no longer see women in the same light. What in the fucking hell does that mean? Oh, NOW I am safe b/c you have low T. That since you have almost zero desire, including with me, that you will now be faithful? Holy shit, batman, I sure do feel sooooo special now! Jackass!!

And now the piece d’resistance! I have found the number you have called a few times over the last month. You are so fucking stupid to leave it on your phone. It would have just passed by me, as it is a place that makes sense right now. BUT, you fucking moron, the calls have only been on days when I am not here, and who calls that kind of place at 6:30 in the fucking morning??? The calls are quick hang-ups. Are they a code for someone? I cannot fucking believe I found this. How you would justify them to me? I’m pretty sure I know, but you know what? It will just be lies out of your mouth. At this point I would not believe one fucking word out of your mouth about them.

You wouldn’t have a backbone if someone took a metal rod, stuck it up your ass, up to your brain, and welded it there!!!! Forget having balls. I have no idea where those went!!!!

You have no idea I feel this way. I will play this game until I am where I need to be. I already know it will kill me to do this, but I WILL do it.

And can’t wait to see the look on your marshmallowy mealy moused face!!!!! Hope it’s sooner, rather than later.

Side note: the truth is after our whole lives together this is so not where I wanted to be!!

sleepless34 posted 9/4/2013 16:03 PM

GO Girl!
I love it! Nice rant, I love it. Bahahaha! You made me laugh.

This is classic:
"You wouldn’t have a backbone if someone took a metal rod, stuck it up your ass, up to your brain, and welded it there!!!! Forget having balls. I have no idea where those went!!!!"'

You are strong. This "Asshat" does not deserve you. He does deserve a good beat down.

One bit of advice from someone who was also very very angry and on fire in my dealings with my WH-STBX aka Mr. Integrity,is that you don't feed him with your anger.

I know, so hard to do, I couldn't do it for 4 weeks. But now, I am an ice queen.

My anger gave him ammo, it fed him, helped him feel justified for ending it with me. Making it easier for him to do what he was going to do- if I am so hateful and vengeful- justifies that our marriage was bad in his pea brain.

Now, I have gotten that red, not anger out and I am playing the game. Do what you need to do to be sane...let some out, but you are better off not giving him what he wants.

I am with you and support you. I am doing the D too....we are in this together!

still2suspicious posted 9/4/2013 16:47 PM

Thank you sleepless.

He really is clueless right now. Hugs, kisses, ILU's.

At this point I am just playing along. (I do need physical touch).

I WILL NOT engage in convo about anything emotional. He keeps telling me to focus on the future. What about the present I ask? "Oh yeah, that too."

The thing is although we never "get over an A" we can put it behind us. Which, for the most part, I have done. My beef now has been the reconnection of us, for the future.

I cannot do the full 180, as we work together BUT since he runs like a scared rabbit when I get "that look on my face" it is pretty easy for me to detach as much as possible, and he just thinks I am "doing what he asked"

I have a whole NEW list of requirements to even think of staying. He just doesn't know it yet!!!

Didn't have SI for 2 yrs after D-day, but sure as shit I sure have learned a hell of a lot since then!!! Poor unsuspecting H!

sunsetslost posted 9/4/2013 16:51 PM

Love it. We're all in this together.

still2suspicious posted 9/4/2013 17:05 PM

Unfortuantely, sunset. Unfortunately.

I do know, one way or another, I will make it thru this.

I've worn my bitch boots many, many times in my life so they just feel like slippers now.

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 5:05 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

Celticlass posted 9/5/2013 10:22 AM

S2S,

I think I know where his balls are.......

They have jumped ship and have a better home with you!! Someone who can really appreciate them

hurtmotherof2 posted 9/6/2013 09:03 AM

((((still))))

Thinking of you :-)