I want to, up front, apologize for my language. I am just beyond pissed off!!
The last time (only time I think) I posted here I was this timid mouse. Didn’t want to be here, don’t want a D. Boo hoo me!
Well, times have changed!!! So here’s another letter to H:
What a fucking coward you are!!! Up until a few months ago I have felt nothing but love for you. OK, maybe not all the time, but deep down I could not have imagined my life without you. .
Well, that, my mealy mouse H has changed! Have never felt this absolute disconnect from you, but you put me here. You told me to “prove I can go without talking about us. Which I did for 2 months. Then YOU asked me about it, I explained my side of it, and of course I was wrong, of course I took it wrong! You explained that you want me to just not talk about feelings, connections, that shit. So then I asked “what do you think YOU have to be proving in this M?” answer: IDK “well, can you think about it and let me know?” “sure” One week later I ask for your thoughts. You stated “can you remind me what I was suppose to think about. IDR” Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!! So you don’t remember, which means you gave it no thought? “well, no” I just walked away in disgust, and to this day you have not brought it back up. Then I had to have dental work done. I told you many times when the second appt one was. The day before you asked “now which doc are you going to see?” REALLY???? Oh my fucking goodness!!! So the day of appt I thought for sure you would check in with me before the appt, nope. Well surely after the appt, nope. You called as you were leaving work to “see how you are doing” I gave you crickets. When you came home you were sure to tell me about your shitty day. I could give a rat’s ass!
This weekend with your family cemented, for me, just what a piece of jelly shit mother fucker you are!! And now you just keep spouting “what about me? What about how I feel?” I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK HOW YOU FEEL ASSHAT!!!” All you feel is the “Oh no she’s gonna want to talk to me. I may have to actually say something emotional”. I always knew you were a CA, but you have really taken it to a new level since the EA. What a yellow-bellied whiny asshole you are now.
I believed you, as teenagers, that you didn’t want her.
I believed you, 20 yrs later, about skank.
I believed you, 4 yrs ago, about bitchface from HS, AGAIN.
What a fucking coward I am too! I kept believing you! I let you off, all 3 times, so fucking easy, it now makes me sick to my stomach! I was so afraid. Afraid of what would happen to me? Our kids? My financial future? Now? Who the G** damn cares? Anything has to be better than being discounted over and over again.
And you think you are doing so well. You think you have proven to me how bad you feel about the A’s. To the fuckin’ hell NO!!!! All you’ve done is proven to me that you are too scared to be by yourself. That I will do. You told me I have nothing to worry about, as you no longer see women in the same light. What in the fucking hell does that mean? Oh, NOW I am safe b/c you have low T. That since you have almost zero desire, including with me, that you will now be faithful? Holy shit, batman, I sure do feel sooooo special now! Jackass!!
And now the piece d’resistance! I have found the number you have called a few times over the last month. You are so fucking stupid to leave it on your phone. It would have just passed by me, as it is a place that makes sense right now. BUT, you fucking moron, the calls have only been on days when I am not here, and who calls that kind of place at 6:30 in the fucking morning??? The calls are quick hang-ups. Are they a code for someone? I cannot fucking believe I found this. How you would justify them to me? I’m pretty sure I know, but you know what? It will just be lies out of your mouth. At this point I would not believe one fucking word out of your mouth about them.
You wouldn’t have a backbone if someone took a metal rod, stuck it up your ass, up to your brain, and welded it there!!!! Forget having balls. I have no idea where those went!!!!
You have no idea I feel this way. I will play this game until I am where I need to be. I already know it will kill me to do this, but I WILL do it.
And can’t wait to see the look on your marshmallowy mealy moused face!!!!! Hope it’s sooner, rather than later.
Side note: the truth is after our whole lives together this is so not where I wanted to be!!