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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: How do I do this?
undonelife
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having such a hard few days. I'm trying to hold together for my kids to have a stable home. I'm so sad. I really wondeting if this A was a deal breaker for me. We r in R. He is trying. We are doing date nights, shared activities, he has taken over some of the kid duties & household stuff. We r both in counseling. I got nothing. Nothing but a pain in my chest. I'd as soon be with my kids or alone. I dream about going out, meeting someone new, Starting over. Everyone says give it time. But ive been thru hell w him for 5 years prior to A. There's been drama on our lives in some form or fashion since I married him but I stood by him because I loved him & wanted to support him out of love. I've put dreams aside so I could follow his dreams & make them mine@ do d it happily. He knew if he did this to me I'd be gone. We discussed it many times in our 30 years together cause my parents divorced & my first marriage ended because of infidelity. He KNEW. How do I rebuild after this? Did he do this as an exit affsir? as a wsy to get out so he didnt have to face his problems? It still hurts something awful. Not as bad as at 1st but still so painful. What was so great about her that he was willing to toss me aside. How did I get to be such a horrible person in his eyes after all I've been through with him, after all the times I've stood with him & supported him? God, where do I go from here?


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
undonelife
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me add too, I've seen some say that an the EA part hurt worse than the PA part. It didn't work that way for me. I'd give anything if it'd been an EA instead. The fact that he gave his body to her when I was his only is just killing me. He went to a lot of trouble to have Viagra on hand & be prepared to have sex w her. He hid money from me he got reimbursed with for travel & had her buy it for him so I wouldn't find out. He got a new doctor & asked for samples from her so he would always have enough Viagra for HER. This is at a time that I was struggling to pay our bills & I could have used that money for our bills. He texted her night & day to the point where he could not have been working because their texts were one right after the other almost every minute day & night. There were 15,000 + over 3 months time. It was way beyond obsessive. It bordered on sick. He went to a LOT of trouble to hang onto her & be w her. She is married also. I don't know how she got it past her husband. He lied to me & said he was working, that they were so crazy busy & I believed it all. I trusted him so entirely. It just too hard to work through. I dont know how to process this.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did he do this as an exit affsir? as a wsy to get out so he didnt have to face his problems? It still hurts something awful. Not as bad as at 1st but still so painful. What was so great about her that he was willing to toss me aside. How did I get to be such a horrible person in his eyes after all I've been through with him, after all the times I've stood with him & supported him?

These are questions that you will never be able to answer. Only he can, and in order to do that HE has to do the work to figure them out honestly and humbly.

What is he doing to figure these things out? Is he addressing these questions in counseling?


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
sleepless34
♀ 40274
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It wasn't about you. There is nothing great about her. There is some post on here called "they always trade down" and it is so true.

This is his story. His problem. This isn't a rejection of you- this is about his insecurity, his problems, his low self esteem. It may not even be about your marriage.

Where do you go from here? You need to step away from it, don't talk to him about it and think about what you WANT. Is this someone you think you want to be with? that he could do this to you? Is it a dealbreaker? If you get him back, what are you really getting? Is it worth it?

Time will tell. You can go to MC, IC, whatever. You are in control now...YOU DECIDE. not him.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Topic Posts: 4

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