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What was your Ah Ha Moment?

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WishIWas posted 9/4/2013 17:00 PM

When did you realize that she truly was sorry, that she hates that she did it, and that she would never do it again? When did you actually accept that you don't have to hurt anymore, that your future will be great together?

I'm so very close. I believe it, but haven't been able to drop "the hurt" yet.

Rebreather posted 9/4/2013 17:11 PM

There was a day about a year into recovery when we were having a text fight (totally against our rules, too). It became lunch time, and a coworker and I were walking every day during lunch, so I changed my clothes and wanting to be mature, I sent him a text so he'd know why I wasn't texting him back.

It said, "I'm going to walk."

You know GO FOR A WALK. He took it to mean I was exiting our marriage.

By the time I got back an hour later, he had called the office, my cell, and texted me at least 10 times. In that time he had left work, driven nearly an hour home, and was at our house when I finally called him. He was in hysterics. So I went home to see him. And I wish I could explain it, but it was seeing his face at that time that made be believe him. That he was taking this shit seriously. That he was all in and he was going to fix it all.

I think it was that moment that I began to think it might be ok.

Simple posted 9/4/2013 17:13 PM

My Ah Ha moment was when I realized it doesn't matter what my WS does anymore. I will be happy and live my life no matter what. Because I'm worth it.

Everything kind of fell into place after that. FWS was lost for a while when I declared it. He tells me his actions he says "for what it's worth since it doesn't matter what I do and you may or may not leave me!" And all he got from me was a truly calm face and telling him I love him and that it's his choice to continue to do good or not, and that I will make my choice which for that time was to stay with him.

We've been together 5 years now and he never stops trying to prove to me that he's worth staying with.

He's also gotten to that place where he told me flat out, there's no way I can get rid of him so long as there's no divorce papers signed. That he will be the best father, be happy and live his life with me so long as I want it.

rachelc posted 9/4/2013 18:08 PM

ah, rebreather, that is kind of a sweet story.
simple - I can't live my life the way I want to - we still have so many "I better check with him" you still do that? I mean, if I was single, I would have a pool in the backyard, go backpacking in Europe for a month, I would tend bar in Alaska for a month in the summer....

crazyblindsided posted 9/4/2013 18:26 PM

He's also gotten to that place where he told me flat out, there's no way I can get rid of him so long as there's no divorce papers signed. That he will be the best father, be happy and live his life with me so long as I want it.

Awesome! My WH told me even if I do D him he is still going to prove to me he can become a better man and won't stop loving me.

I know my WH gets what he did I'm just not sure what his coping skills will be when our M hits a low point.

TxsT posted 9/4/2013 18:34 PM

This one is easy for me to answer.........last night I finally got the whole WHY picture. We had a very deep seed conversation about how we wanted the next year to go. I told him that I was having a really hard time getting to total R because he couldn't tell me WHY. Through the conversation I finally got my answer. It was like a huge, huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. I could finally see everything from beginning to end.

He was surprised I didn't raise my voice, didn't cry, didn't do anything but thanking him for being so brave. This morning I awoke with a very different outlook on my day, myself and my M.


Patchy posted 9/4/2013 18:42 PM

Well, I don't know that I've had an "aha" moment just yet. I have had a turning point moment, though, which reminds me of Rebreather's post when she "went for a walk" and he got hysterical thinking she was walking from the marriage. I recently posted about my similar moment when a couple of weeks ago I packed a bag and left to get his attention. I told him he had to read the book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From your Affair before I came home. He flipped out and wanted me to come home that very night. It definitely was touching to know how badly he wanted me.

Is the hurt gone? Not even. However, I definitely feel a lower level of pain since then. What also helped is the fact that he did read the book, said he should have read it a long time ago, that it was a good book and says he "gets me" and what I'm going through. I've had some validation finally. He knows that my reactions to things are completely normal and I'm not just some hysterical basket case who for some unknown reason can't get over it. I think he thought I was overly emotional and had so many unnecessary triggers. I know he still doesn't get a lot of my triggers, but at least he knows its normal to have them and that he needs to let me decide how to handle them.

In an effort to heal even further, I'm planning on getting all my aggressions out on a large photo of the OW soon, as prescribed by my IC. And I'm going to some of my trigger locations to journal and get all my pain and frustrations out on paper. Hoping those exercises will lower my overall pain level even more.

I read the book, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary and Mona Shriver. He had an affair and the book details both of their perspectives of what they went through and how they eventually came to healing. They work with groups of couples and one day they were speaking in front of a group and she uttered something about being healed and it was the first time that she had ever voiced it. She hadn't even realized it, but it came out of her mouth so easily and she knew at that moment that she was truly over all the pain.

There are so many different questions in your post. I do believe he is truly sorry and I do know our future will be great together. I feel I am on a good path toward accepting that I don't have to hurt anymore, but I'm not quite there yet.

What makes matters worse for me is I'm hurting over a lot of issues. Serious midlife crisis. Trying to discover who I am anymore and reconciling with many losses over the past 12 years. His betrayal is the hugest, but only one of many I'm trying to stop hurting over. I'm glad I found the counselor that I did. I think she is going to really help me get there. It takes just the right person and two others I'd been to were not that person for me.

You'll get there WishIWas. We all will if we keep on keepin' on.


StillGoing posted 9/4/2013 21:38 PM

Probably every couple of days. There's a freakout now and then, and one time I got lost on the way home from work but it was all good because I had the GPS and it turned out to be a shortcut.

I try to stop thinking about the future and pay attention to what's going on in front of me. Once shit stops hurting too much to distract from that it's easier to stop getting lost. I got some cool pictures of rainbows. Blizzards too. I should probably stop taking pictures out my car window, honestly.

lostworld posted 9/4/2013 21:58 PM

I never really had an "ah ha" moment. Over time, with lots of missteps and work, we eventually arrived at a place where we felt good again. It was insidious and constantly evolving. The injuries slowly became scars, and "the hurt" became less and less obvious, however, I can (and probably will forever) re-experience some of that hurt if I choose to allow it too much space or time in my head and heart. I rarely get to that place of major hurt, but sometimes it tries to creep in when my defenses are low, or when something triggers a memory, and then I accept it, and actively refocus my thoughts. In moments like this, the hurt often feels like profound regret and sadness that something so awful and completely avoidable like infidelity ever entered our lives.

Having said that, I want to make sure and say that we are happy, reconciled, and strong. I don't believe that I can ever not feel sad or hurt when I think about infidelity, but I have definitely reached the place where I don't hurt very often, and I can enjoy a lovely present, and can easily believe in a wonderful future.

broken0912 posted 9/4/2013 22:03 PM

I've thought several times that I had "aha" moments in the last year. Today is 1 yr anniversary of d-day. It took nearly a year for me to be able to leave him and go somewhere without him for more than a few hours.

There was a time early on when he told me he would do anything and would do anything to make me love him again. I've hated it here where we live for the 20 yrs I've lived here and if it weren't for him, I would have moved back home long ago. But for him, I've stayed in this God Forsaken place for 16 years. So he even told me he would move if I wanted to. It was then, I realized he truly was full of remorse and we were going to make in spite of the OW & all her efforts.

Of course, that all changed as he realized I wasn't going anywhere. He has since been back & forth with he's leaving to he'll do anything to we need to get divorced because I'm not getting over it fast enough. I have not been the one threatening to leave & threatening divorce - ironic I think. I now wish I would have kicked him out in the beginning, in order for him to realize the seriousness of it all.

I also have found out in the last few weeks that most everything he has told me about the A is either something he told me to "shut you up" or He doesn't know what I'm talking about, or he just doesn't remember saying it and everything I thought I was learning has now been dismissed. Which has sent me to a state of hopelessness.

However, since deciding to take this week long vacation back home, I have had another awakening, that I will be o.k. no matter what and that I really don't "need" him. But then in the next hour or day, I feel like I'm dying inside again.

I'm beginning, however, to feel more empowered the closer I get to leaving which is tomorrow afternoon.

I still don't know where we stand or if he will be able to do everything he needs to to fix everything. I think more will be revealed when I return from my trip, and I see if he has finally been able to "remember" the whole long drawn out A.

HardenMyHeart posted 9/4/2013 23:50 PM

My Ah Ha moment came at 3 months out. I started a post on SI about the things that had helped me heal and helped with R. I ended the last paragraph of that post with the following:

As I write this tonight, I feel strong and content. My family is together and I have many other blessings in my life. My WS is not perfect, but neither am I. We will make it. I already know it.

Looking back, I can see this was definitely a pivotal moment in my way of thinking about our future.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:51 PM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

wert posted 9/5/2013 07:33 AM

Reading Act with Love.
Accepting me as the only person in the world that matters and I choose who I allow close to me, physically and emotionally. At that point her A didn't matter much, but her current actions did. There is constant evaluation based on new data.

When did you actually accept that you don't have to hurt anymore, that your future will be great together?

In some ways I see these statements as contradictory.

I stopped hurting (a lot, everyone hurts some) when it dawn on me her A had nothing to do with me or our M. I stopped hurting when I let go of my control of tomorrow and the actions of others.

Our future being great together? When I realize that right now is good. Everyday we work at tomorrow, that's the best I can do.

take care...

Kelany posted 9/5/2013 07:50 AM

When he held me on the bathroom floor in a hotel room while I sobbed for over an hour the day of my bio-fathers funeral in Idaho. It was a very difficult situation for me, I hadn't seen my bio-father since I was 2 (he was a pedophile) and my sister and I had to go because we were next of kin. So many emotions that I struggled with. I fell apart quite literally. I had held his ashes that day. I hadn't "touched" my father in 34 years and that day I held him in my hands and it was emotionally overwhelming for me. That evening back at the hotel I lost it and just started sobbing on the bathroom floor. He held me, stroked my hair, wiped tears from my eyes, rubbed my back and comforted me. He was my rock. That's when I knew.

DixieD posted 9/5/2013 11:22 AM

Looking at my husband specifically, there were many moments (plural) and I don't remember them all.

I saw deep changes taking place in him, like....

When, even through the shame, he confided in people who always thought he was wonderful what he'd done and that he was in fact not wonderful. He no longer cared about looking good - figuratively and literally.

When he became humble and showed empathy.

When he could tell I was going to trigger before I even knew it and would be proactive, helpful and supportive about it.

When he was horrified by his behavior and actions and wanted to change and be a better person for himself first and foremost and it was clear he was putting in a ton of effort towards that.

When all behavior was reflected on and adjusted without prompting. It still takes me by surprise sometimes, like Wow, the old Mr.DixieD would never have done that or the old MrDixieD would have said this (negativity) instead, and it doesn't seem to phase him at all. It's just who he is now -- changed.

Painfuljourney posted 9/5/2013 12:18 PM

I knew he was truly sorry 24 hours after DD. I told him that under no circumstances could he blame me for his actions. He was doing just that all these years. Angry at me but really angry at himself. I knew in my heart he was remorseful. He was suicidal and depressed and hated himself for the pain he caused.

But that doesn't undo the work to be done. The healing that needs to take place. But it gives the R a start.

Scubachick posted 9/5/2013 14:58 PM


Your Ah Ha moment brought tears to my eyes. So glad your husband was there for you.

myheadreallyhurt posted 9/5/2013 19:51 PM

There have been many moments but of a different sort. I have this peace that has settled on me. It's like instead of being afraid and hurt all the time, I'm ok. I'm ok with being without WH if it comes to that. I'm excited and confident about the life I could lead with him if this R is real but also equally confident about a totally different outcome. I feel like whatever was squeezing my heart and making me hate everyone has released. I'm just at peace with the situation.

still-living posted 9/5/2013 20:15 PM

I always looked for motives behind what my ww was telling me, and I always could find a motive, at least potentially, until one day my wife told me she wanted to tell my parents about the affair. This was my first Ah ha moment, when she told me she wanted to tell my parents. She had no motive to tell my parents other than pure remorse and because this was the right thing to do.

WishIWas posted 9/11/2013 14:00 PM

I just passed my 2 years since the ONS, and am coming up next month to 1 year of knowing about it. It's been shitty, as we all know and are going thru.

I have glimpses of it all being ok., and I realize that I'm trying to control a situation that is outside of my control. I hear the IC and agree, but I just can't seem to release the pain.

My marriage today is leaps better than it ever was. My wife makes me feel great most days, but the bad days still affect me exponentially. My confidence is a thin film of shattering glass. Any mildly hurtful arguments devastate me.

I want to smack myself and say shut up and man up, but all I end up doing is just adding to the hate and disgust that feel towards myself.

PhoenixRising88 posted 9/11/2013 14:12 PM

It's like instead of being afraid and hurt all the time, I'm ok. I'm ok with being without WH if it comes to that. I'm excited and confident about the life I could lead with him if this R is real but also equally confident about a totally different outcome.

This, too, is where I am. Not a single sharp Ah-Hah moment; more of a gradual progression to knowing that I will be okay regardless of how my future shakes out.

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